#1
As I struggle to find words.
I listen to my old records.
Trying to think of what I’ve done.
Man I wish I won.

My life it’s kinda like a roller-coaster
So many ups and downs it’s hard to get around.
It’s full of things that I can’t get over.
When I think about it I just write it down.

Cheating on you was my worst mistake.
I never thought i’d forgive myself.
But you were always just “Take, Take, Take”
So you can take what’s left on the shelf.

I still wish that I finished school.
Joined a band cause I thought it’d be cool.
Three years later we hadn’t done shit.
I packed up my bags and I quit.

Being alone though it’s got it’s perks.
I got an album in the works.
I guess my life’s not so bad after all.
If only my stories weren’t half as tall.

As I struggle to find words.
I listen to my old records.
Trying to think of what I’ve done.
Man I think I’ve won.

First and last are the choruses.
#2
Pretty cool stuff.

"I listen to my old records" - It's not flowing that well for me. I would prefer maybe "recordings" or such.

The roller-coaster line is so overused, so it's kinda "ick" hearing it. But I think it fits well there, and the first verse is definitely my favorite part.

"But you were always just “Take, Take, Take”
So you can take what’s left on the shelf." - The take, take, take part is really just not sitting well in my ear. And there's another "take" right in the next line. "You can have" would maybe be better.

All in all I liked it. Minor changes here and there would be appropriate, but it's cool overall.

#3
Quote by ShebaProject
Pretty cool stuff.

"I listen to my old records" - It's not flowing that well for me. I would prefer maybe "recordings" or such.

The roller-coaster line is so overused, so it's kinda "ick" hearing it. But I think it fits well there, and the first verse is definitely my favorite part.

"But you were always just “Take, Take, Take”
So you can take what’s left on the shelf." - The take, take, take part is really just not sitting well in my ear. And there's another "take" right in the next line. "You can have" would maybe be better.

All in all I liked it. Minor changes here and there would be appropriate, but it's cool overall.


I agree with the roller-coaster line but it's just cliches like that come to my head easier. :p

The "You can have what's left on the shelf" line is good but I think the repetition of "take" adds an effect, but then again, i'm a noob at writing lyrics.
#4
Cool stuff Julien. I missed it the first time around, but I like your line about stories. Pretty clever stuff I must say. Keep it up man. Some crit though; ditch the rollercoaster line. Clichéd to shit. Sorry, but I'm not lying to you. Also, maybe think of some kind of metaphor for 'cheating'. It just seems much to simple to me. I look forward to seeing future work from you.
#5
Quote by redh0tchilip3pp
Cool stuff Julien. I missed it the first time around, but I like your line about stories. Pretty clever stuff I must say. Keep it up man. Some crit though; ditch the rollercoaster line. Clichéd to shit. Sorry, but I'm not lying to you. Also, maybe think of some kind of metaphor for 'cheating'. It just seems much to simple to me. I look forward to seeing future work from you.

I'll try it..but no promises.