#1
MRI.

i heard them talking loudly:
"Vinne said he'd been living in a
cardboard box
for the longest time."
"he seems to be doing better,
though, now."

haha,
the baffled shrug of dialysis.
or some sort of cancer;
whatever's
well suited for the one's
without hope.
guess i could stand closer
to the light
and proclaim my freedoms
through some hip counter-culture -
it's not the same.
the clerk at the grocery store
never gets my bill right
and i scare her with a
deeper tone
so i can afford
my pasta for tomorrow.

i sat down to write,
but instead i phoned a friend in Jacksonville.
we discussed the economy
and the next time we'd have a beer together.
i just kept staring,
but i couldn't get past
the dance of my pen.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
Last edited by ottoavist at Sep 17, 2008,
#2
That second stanza really touched me. It flowed beautifully and felt like a real corner-stone to the piece. The piece really starts with a disjointed sestet before banging off with the "haha" that both intense and, yet, unsettling. Everything pretty much flows perfectly from there. The sarcasm that was present gave it an extra punch that was every bit brutal (in a good way ).

There isn't much that I can say about this except maybe you've continued the style you used in the second stanza on the third. But all in all, it was a great read.
#3
- "the clerk at the grocery store
never gets my bill right
and i scare her with a
deeper tone
so i can afford
my pasta for tomorrow." - This line alone makes this awesome.

Once again, I find myself discovering a shed load of ideas in this.

Just for once, I'd like to here excatly how you see this poem? Could you do that, just for ickle ol' me?
#4
you always stop writing. i want to know more about you and the store and your friend in Jacksonville. your writing is too addictive for pieces this short.
#5
I often wonder what would happen if you tried writing in prose. Sometimes it feels as if these short, poetic lines are holding you back.

This was good,
damn good.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#6
thanks X1 Chamillion guys.

Quote by AngryGoldfish
Just for once, I'd like to here excatly how you see this poem? Could you do that, just for ickle ol' me?
hey man, i'd be more than glad to answer your question, but i'm not exactly sure what you mean...
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#7
Basically, I want you to tell what you wrote this as to mean? Don't think, well its open to interpretation, I want to here your interpretation, just for this one.
#8
eh, it's a tad political.
it's about the economy here in the states, and the struggle that a lot of people suffer just to buy their Ramen. more so, at least in the first two stanzas, i tried to convey the perspective of the general mass toward the situation of the poor - they'd rather gossip about it than actually do something.
it's a bitter slice of life.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#9
The content was wonderful.
The line breaks were not.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#10
Thats not what excatly what I thought it was, but I had similar ideas. Don't worry, I won't be asking you to do that again!
#11
first stanza seems pointless. it isn't adding anything. i like the second stanza word choice is a little awkward. dialysis and haha don't like the play on freedom and hip-counter culture. narrative in that stanza works really well though. you could probably dissect the situation between the narrator and the cashier a little be more, maybe build that up and remove the first stanza and you'll have a little more of a definitive time line. i like the last line, i think you could have a more concise conclusion though. you have this gorgeous narrative and you expect the narrator to come to some kind of conclusion. maybe that is the point like you said that nobody is coming to conclusions, but you could make that a little more definitive if that is the case.

good work though, nice read.
#12
I couldn't help but laugh at the pasta line. This was really good. The "haha" was unsettling but drew me in, as others have noted.

I'm not so keen on the first stanza, though. It just seems out of place.
#13
I don't know why so many people dislike the first verse, I love it. I think it adds a very dark tone to this. Its out of place, concerning the direct voice of the poem, but thats its charm.

EDIT: Katherine is wrong, the line breaks are awesome...
#15
Quote by AngryGoldfish
Katherine is wrong, the line breaks are awesome...


Katherine isn't wrong, Katherine simply has an opinion.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#16

Katherine never likes my breaks.
lol.
thanks abazillion everyone, i'll be returning promptly throughout the day.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#17
^Honestly, I'm not too hot on them either. I've just learned to ignore them.
(but it is a reason I suggested prose)
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#18
Quote by ottoavist
haha,
the baffled shrug of dialysis.
or some sort of cancer;
whatever's
well suited for the one's
without hope.


This bit was so excellent. It was flung so casually steeped in pessimism, I just couldn't help but read it again. The italicizing of "baffled" was very effective, and the line breaks were very good.
It's hard for me to crit the piece as a whole, so I won't, but I wanted to let you know that I really liked that bit.
#19
Quote by DigUpHerBones
Katherine isn't wrong, Katherine simply has an opinion.


Well, your opinion is wrong... and mine is right. I like to be arrogant, its fun.
#20
Quote by ottoavist
it's about the economy here in the states, and the struggle that a lot of people suffer just to buy their Ramen.
Off topic:
been there, done that. when your diet is primarily Ramen, bologna sandwiches, and PBJ is the closest thing you have to a dessert, you know you're nearing rock bottom.


Quote by DigUpHerBones
The content was wonderful.
The line breaks were not.
i tend to agree. i usually enjoy Kent's use of linebreaks. but the marriage of the conversational/storytelling style with broken style of the linebreaks didn't play that well, in my mind. not awful, but definitely, not "wonderful".


i just kept staring,
but i couldn't get past
the dance of my pen.

i'm lukewarm toward the piece as a whole, but loved the ending.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#21
Quote by DigUpHerBones
The content was wonderful.
The line breaks were not.


what on earth do you have against line breaks?

don't take this the wrong way, but i think you'd ease up if you read more free verse. eventually your mind tends to read line breaks without pausing.

maybe that's not the case... maybe you just pay particular attention, or more attention to, line breaks than others. it just always seems to be you. i've seen you criticise people's line breaks over and over and over (and none of the times i've been able to notice any problem in flow).
#22
Quote by skagitup
what on earth do you have against line breaks?

don't take this the wrong way, but i think you'd ease up if you read more free verse. eventually your mind tends to read line breaks without pausing.

maybe that's not the case... maybe you just pay particular attention, or more attention to, line breaks than others. it just always seems to be you. i've seen you criticise people's line breaks over and over and over (and none of the times i've been able to notice any problem in flow).


I usually don't notice any problem in the flow, and usually don't pause at line breaks. In this piece I didn't like the flow which was created by the breaks (no, I didn't bloody pause). Meh. I don't think I mention it a lot, either (and I don't think I don't usually like his). Only when it does this.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
Last edited by DigUpHerBones at Sep 20, 2008,
#24
Quote by DigUpHerBones
In this piece I didn't like the flow which was created by the breaks
for sheer curiosity and any possible revision's sake, would you care to point out a spot or two where you thought the breaks ultimately ruined the flow altogether, please?
i'd highly appreciate it if possible.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#25
I loved the opening "haha" for line two.

I loved tone/tomorrow.

I can't critique your line breaks, as they are right up my alley.


However, I really really really dislike stanza three. I don't see the point in it existing within this piece. It seems so disconnected from the rest of the piece, especially when all it does is reference an idea you've already established so well in the first two stanzas, not build upon it.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#26
Quote by ottoavist
for sheer curiosity and any possible revision's sake, would you care to point out a spot or two where you thought the breaks ultimately ruined the flow altogether, please?
i'd highly appreciate it if possible.


It wasn't really a thing which made a line or two awkward; the whole thing had a kind of backbeating flow which worked wonderfully by itself but I didn't feel went with the piece.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#27
Quote by ottoavist
MRI.

i heard them talking loudly:
"Vinne said he'd been living in a
cardboard box
for the longest time."
"he seems to be doing better,
though, now."

haha,
the baffled shrug of dialysis.
or some sort of cancer;
whatever's
well suited for the one's
without hope.
guess i could stand closer
to the light
and proclaim my freedoms
through some hip counter-culture -
it's not the same.
the clerk at the grocery store
never gets my bill right
and i scare her with a
deeper tone
so i can afford
my pasta for tomorrow.

i sat down to write,
but instead i phoned a friend in Jacksonville.
we discussed the economy
and the next time we'd have a beer together.
i just kept staring,
but i couldn't get past
the dance of my pen.


You know, I thought, he's got enough critiques, what am I going to say that would be in any way contributing? And then I thought well, just read it. If something comes to you, it will - you'd appreciate it, and maybe this fella who was way too good at arcade games for his own good would too.

When you're sitting somewhere with a notebook (or paper scrap, whatever your preference) and a pen, looking out the window, thinking, observing, what would be a good line, how can I start this **** it I'll get a coffee make a phone call they changed their number who else haven't I talked to hey it's ringing oh man they're picking up what's up man I'm alright, how you doin, just wanted to say hi and not tell you that I miss you and not tell you that I'm really looking forward to seeing you again and not tell you that I feel like it would be worth it to fly across the country just to have a beer with you, to hell with it where's the airport, oh yeah man, she's good, yeah gas sucks, yeah I've met her, yeah I grew up there, dude she shouldn't be in power, nah man I'll tell you that I gotta go but I don't I just want to write because these words will be my tears, I don't know what else to say to you because I just want to smoke with you again, remember that night man? yeah that was cool but this hurts man, I don't want to go back there, I loved it alright dude I'll talk to you soon. call me. I love you bro. tell her I said hi, alright man bye

and all of a sudden I have pages of garble I didn't know were written, but it's good because my mind is moving, and even if my feet aren't, the pen is, and I'll remember this moment forever. Hopefully I can afford to eat the day after tomorrow, for time is an expensive thing to eat, and ramen is not. maybe I'll have that, and remember to pick up my food stamps tomorrow.


Thanks, man.