#1
Dreams
(Resubmitted over a year later following some revisions, verses removed etc. Let me know what you think C4C of course)

Softly voiced and spoken thoughts are how you broke my dreams
Those plans half made in twilight hours between the silken sheets
While in afterglow of my inner peace the ecstasy of our long release
You held my hand my heart in yours and chose your time to leave

I hope you know you killed me there with whispers in my side
A rending blade of assassin love you left me here to die
Your promises to think of me and remember who we were to be
Count little in my shrunken world that suffers in my mind

You’ve left me here with memories, with thoughts I cannot face
Of golden rings; a wedding band, give up this dream of mine
Her parting look of agony will not erase this misery
But you’ll move on and love again without me by your side

I imagine now the world you see outside our simple dreams
Still trapped in here a broken man between our silken sheets
But now my thoughts will fade away and follow in your path today
To places just too far from me for my simple dreams
Quote by philjay
*Picks up TT like handbag and smacks you over the head like an angry granny *
Try that with your rocker 30


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#2
You know I absolutely abhore comparing poems to an artist or other slightly relatable poets, but this reminds me sooo much of Leonard Cohen. The slight sense of sexuality with a little taste of complications, but general sticking to a neat routine of sumptuous flow, that both evokes that remaining sensation of sex, and another wailing pain of sadness. A nice combination, in my opinion.
Its all a bit fluttery though, it needs some rawness and attitude to spice it up. I can tell a lot of effort has been exerted into this, though. Its very classy.

So yes, there are cliches and yes its overly poetic, but I like it that way. It retains a certain charm that is quite distinguishable, but not very attainable to all readers: Some will find it deriative; I enjoyed it on the other hand.

Digitally Clean
#3
Just once I wish that one of these "whoa is me" type pieces will totally surprise me and end so well that I just can't fathom any other response but "wow, dude that was great!!" This one does not do that of course, but there are some genuine great writing evidenced nonetheless. Overall, I thought it was just alright. I wasn't impressed with changing the rhyme scheme, but am glad you do cause I think I would have gotten bored had you not. couple of suggestions:

Softly voiced are spoken thoughts of how you broke my dreams
Those plans half made in twilight hours between the silken sheets
An afterglow of my inner peace the ecstasy of our long release
You hold my hand within the grips of yours and chose this time to leave.

Just did the first verse, since I think it is by far the best of the piece, and wasn't so sure how much help it would be to tell you how to write your piece ...

Your promises to think of me and remember who we were to be
That line was also excellent, and really in need of it's own piece all together.

Not much help I know, but if you want to return the crit, it would be swell: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=956564
LISTEN:
A Myspace introduction to:

LEARN:
It's not always rainbows and butterflies,
It's compromise that moves us along. -- Maroon 5