#1
C4C ofcourse

I Swear, This Ship Will Never Sink

When the ship sailed out to sea
It took what was left of you and me
And the coastline disappeared
But time went on we & both knew
There was only one thing we could do
So we had to pick up, pick up, pick up
& get away from here

Look into her eyes
And pray we don't capsize

The night went on after a couple drinks
You swore this ship would never sink
And I thought we'd be alright
But time went on & we fell apart
You carried on and broke my heart
But now we pick up, pick up, pick up
& start over tonight

Look into her eyes
& pray we don't capsize

We'll beat on till the break of dawn
& try to pretend that nothing went wrong

Look into her eyes
& pray we don't capsize
#2
When the ship sailed out to sea
It took what was left of you and me
And the coastline disappeared

--INTERESTING START, WELL ACTUALLY, THE IDEA IS INTERESTING, THE ACTUAL WORDS USED ARE SORT OF TIRED AND CLICHE, BUT I'M INTERESTED ENOUGH TO KEEP READING ....

But time went on we & both knew
There was only one thing we could do
So we had to pick up, pick up, pick up
& get away from here

--THE FIRST LINE HAS A GRAMATICAL ERROR. IT'S WIERD, IT'S ALMOST LIKE THIS IS A WHOLE DIFFERENT PIECE. NOT SURE HOW IT TIES INTO THE FIRST VERSE, IT MIGHT NEED SOME TRANSITION HELP. NOT NEARLY AS INTERESTING AS THE FIRST VERSE

Look into her eyes
And pray we don't capsize

--PRETTY COOL, I ACTUALLY LIKE THIS PART. I THINK YOU SHOULD DO MORE WITH IT

The night went on after a couple drinks
You swore this ship would never sink
And I thought we'd be alright

--AGAIN, I'M PLEASANTLY SURPRISED WITH THIS SECTION HERE. I LIKE THE IDEA OF IT FOR SURE. LINE 3 IS A LITTLE LESS DESIRED, MAYBE COME UP WITH A MORE INTERESTING WAY OF SAYING IT BUT KEEP THE RHYME INTACT.

But time went on & we fell apart
You carried on and broke my heart
But now we pick up, pick up, pick up
& start over tonight

--KEEPS THE RYHME SCHEME GOING, BUT THIS PART IS JUST SO PLAIN, AND SO OVERDONE. I'VE READ THIS BEFORE IN A MILLION OTHER PIECES. SURELY YOU CAN COME UP WITH A MORE ORIGINAL WAY OF SAYING THIS ...

Look into her eyes
& pray we don't capsize

--FOR THE RECORD, STILL LOVE THIS LITTLE COUPLET!!

We'll beat on till the break of dawn
& try to pretend that nothing went wrong

--THE FIRST LINE REMINDS ME OF A LATE 90'S RNB/HIP HOP SONG, JUST WAITING FOR THE RAP TO BUST OUT. HAHA. NOT SURE IF IT FITS IN THIS PIECE, AND THE INTERNAL RYHME IS A NICE CHANGE, BUT IS SORT OF OUT OF PLACE TOO.

Look into her eyes
& pray we don't capsize

--GREAT WAY TO END IT.

Overall, this was a so/so piece. I applaud you for determining a structure and staying with it. I was impressed with that. I think there are a couple nuggets in there that should be expanded on. Overall, it was a plain read. Get back to that first verse, has much more imagery than the rest. Tell me what I'm seeing rather than what I should be feeling, usually ends up with a better result.

here's mine, have at it: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=956564
LISTEN:
A Myspace introduction to:

LEARN:
It's not always rainbows and butterflies,
It's compromise that moves us along. -- Maroon 5