#1
do you remember those nights
our veins overflowed with oxygen
when we drank enough coward's blood
to forget our names
and we danced on our graves
like vain ghosts
in living rooms of broken mirrors and smoke
our best laid plans of perfect crimes
a perfect disguise
and dreams of making it out alive
we filled our shoeboxes
with dirty magazines
and stuffed our socks
with postcards of cities we'd never see
and photographs of friends we never wanted to leave

do you remember those nights
our eyes grew tired of sleep
when we drew lines across the sky
and talked of how we'd blow it up with enough dynamite
instead of counting lucky stars
we'd sit and collect scars
commiting them to memory
making maps
out of grass stains
and a mountain of bruises
we pointed our trigger fingers to the moon
and made demands not to move
in exchange for promises not to shoot
blood pacts were sealed
with cigarette burns
fiery lungs
and saliva from a liar's tongue

so how about it one more time
we'll steal the sun before she wakes up
tie her up and leave her in the trunk
we'll drive out to the ocean west
taste the battery acid on your lips
and french kiss my fingertips
we'll burn off our fingerprints
become the greatest escape artists
painting our way out of this tired life
it'll be the most beautiful of suicides
like the mona lisa sipping on turpentine
Last edited by sleep sickness at Sep 19, 2008,
#4
Quote by sleep sickness

do you remember those nights
our veins overflowed with oxygen
when we drank enough cowards' blood *coward's
to forget our names
and we danced on our graves
like vain ghosts
in living rooms of smoke
and broken mirrors
the line break before this felt off, as did the line... the rest of your images are bloody good, this drags them down
our best laid plans
of perfect crimes
just about here the lack of punctuation starts to annoy me, it's not a particularly fast flowing piece anyway, so it wouldn't harm it
a perfect disguise
and dreams of making it out alive
meh, liked the flow a lot but not them last four words
we filled our shoeboxes
with dirty magazines
and stuffed our socks
with postcards of cities we'd never see
and photographs of friends we never wanted to leave

do you remember those nights
our eyes grew tired of sleep
when we drew lines across the sky
and talked of how we'd blow it up with enough dynamite
enough dynamite for what? The enough just isn't necessary. Something more precise might add to it, but you wouldn't lose anything by erasing the word altogether
instead of counting lucky stars
we'd collect scars
and commit them to memory
line break before this felt too quick, too broken
making maps
out of grass stains
and a mountain of bruises
here the lack of punctuation annoys me again
we pointed our trigger fingers to the moon
and made demands not to move
in exchange for promises not to shoot
goooddddddd
blood pacts were sealed
with cigarette burns
fiery lungs
and saliva from a liar's tongue

so how about it one more time
we'll steal the sun before she wakes up
tie her up and leave her in the trunk
and drive out to the ocean west
the and repetition felt too much, it's not really needed on this line
taste the battery acid on your lips
and french kiss my fingertips
huh?
we'll burn off our fingerprints
become the greatest escape artists
'the greatest of' would be awesome
love this image/idea

painting our way out of this tired life
it'll be the most beautiful of suicides
especially with it again here
like the mona lisa sipping on turpentine
not bad, but I don't like it as much as I liked the line before it


Nice, dammit, nice... but could be better, of course
I'd love to see this with some changes made though eh.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#5
I really enjoyed this, but you repeated everything too much, it lost so much of its impact by the end because of how fluidly you bled your theme dry. I like to retain my wet mouth from reading piece's, just so I can create my own thoughts with my own tongue. You never allowed the reader to imagine lines himself, you extinguished them all already. Of course, you did do it with a lot of style and aptitude, even humorous emotion (blowing up the sky ilne), but I still felt exhausted after it.

What I think you should do with this piece is, take into account what Katherine above has said and direct your lines into a more refined and condensed way. Accumulate all the best lines and stick em' together, just to see what you can come up with. If it doesn't work, fine.
I hope I helped.

Digitally Clean
#6
thanks guys.

special thanks to you, katherine. your crit was very helpful, as always. i'll take your comments on board and see if i can add satisfactory punctuation to it and sort out some of the line breaks.

thanks to you as well, goldy. i agree that some lines are more necessary than others. i'll see if i can remove the wasteful ones and make this more precise.
#8
so how about it one more time
we'll steal the sun before she wakes up
tie her up and leave her in the trunk
we'll drive out to the ocean west
taste the battery acid on your lips
and french kiss my fingertips
we'll burn off our fingerprints
become the greatest escape artists
painting our way out of this tired life
it'll be the most beautiful of suicides
like the mona lisa sipping on turpentine

This is one of the greatest stanzas I've read in a very long time. It's an all around great piece, but this represents true feeling and flawless diction vs. flow. There are a few words I would leave out to polish it a bit, like "it'll" and "on" in the last two lines, and leaving out the second "and" in the trunk line.

Gorgeous, though.
#9
thanks rush

spike, i'm really glad you picked out that stanza and enjoyed it. i had that ending written for quite some time, but didn't know how to write the rest. so, even now i'm not entirely satisfied with the first two stanzas.
i'll get to yours soon.
#10
Quote by sleep sickness
do you remember those nights
our veins overflowed with oxygen
when we drank enough coward's blood
to forget our names
and we danced on our graves
like vain ghosts
in living rooms of broken mirrors and smoke
our best laid plans of perfect crimes
a perfect disguise
and dreams of making it out alive
we filled our shoeboxes
with dirty magazines
and stuffed our socks
with postcards of cities we'd never see
and photographs of friends we never wanted to leave
I understand the idea of putting stuff into a shoebox, but I don't like the relation of stuffing our socks. Maybe I'm not understanding something at play, but I just don't like that specific lines. I think if you took it out, it'd be better.

do you remember those nights
our eyes grew tired of sleepI just had to comment, I love this line. I can really relate to that idea that you stay up so late that your tiredness goes away and your body tries to keep trucking.
when we drew lines across the sky
and talked of how we'd blow it up with enough dynamite
instead of counting lucky stars
we'd sit and collect scars
committing them to memory
making maps
out of grass stains
and a mountain of bruises
we pointed our trigger fingers to the moon
and made demands not to move
in exchange for promises not to shoot
blood pacts were sealed
with cigarette burns
fiery lungs
and saliva from a liar's tongue

so how about it one more time
we'll steal the sun before she wakes up
tie her up and leave her in the trunk
we'll drive out to the ocean west
taste the battery acid on your lips
and french kiss my fingertips
we'll burn off our fingerprints
become the greatest escape artists
painting our way out of this tired life
it'll be the most beautiful of suicides
like the mona lisa sipping on turpentine


It's hard to critique good pieces. Since I can't get down to the nitty gritty, I'm more like the average reader. To be honest, I really enjoyed it. Just be careful in keeping it this length. I think if you condensed the first two stanzas this would be a perfect piece.
#11
I will be the first to say that I didnt like it. The reason why I didnt like it is because it is incredibly overpowering. all of your imagery is great, the meaning behind it is great as well, but there is no single image or idea or even meaning that I'm left with in the end. Cosolidate the imagery, leave the reader with one solid salient image as opposed to a bunch of (good) watered down ones (only watered down because you have so many).

eh, just my two cents. great bits but on a whole left me with little.

#12
yo.
i think i owe you one from a while back so here goes.

first off:

the last stanza is just brilliant.

really seems like you found your flow by the end of the piece. diction tone and the flow itself are just spot on.

the only problem with this, is that it makes the others look a little sketchy by comparison.

i think thats just due to the fact that its hard to keep up with all the constantly changing imagery. its not that any of them are particularly cliched or weak, its just theres so many.
as soon as you read one, you forget the previous one. it makes it too difficult to get into.
all the inclusions make it seem as if all of it is personal to the point of being in jokes that we couldnt understand.

nothing that a little focused pruning couldnt sort out. unless of course, you are going for the "personal to the point of in-jokes" feel...

nice one.
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------
#13
Reading this, it didn't suprise me when you said you had the ending first. It reads like you've tried to find something to fit in the with the ending and just not quite got there yet. The flow is difficult in the first two stanzas, but i like the ideas and themes. I won't go to the extreme of #1 synth because i did like it, but the imagery does get a bit over powering and the ideas a bit cluttered. but apart from that, a solid read, very enjoyable. i think a little tweaking will go a long way with this. Just consolodate your ideas, maybe pick out one or two really strong ones, and make sure your intent and purpose is clear. I hope that helps. Link in my sig if it does help you, i'm in desperate need of a guiding hand.