#1
after coasting the east
from north to south,
there's nothing left but west.
ideas withheld
from photos
and movies
and postage stamps
on cards from gramps.
one day i'll ride the casino ferry
across the western water,
watch the stars
from way up close
and bid away
the eastern farmers.
no man can say
what is to come,
or who will soon be gone,
except, i mean,
for me, of course,
but that's another story.
#2
I like it a lot. Its so simple and effective, and vaguely brought me to the feelings I get reading On the Road, or pretty much any Kerouac. Which is cool.
Edit: Sorry for not parsing this line by line and giving them critique if you like that stuff, but I don't think it has a place...who can advise you? You're the poet
#3
You've come quite far, old friend I like it a lot.

one day i'll ride the casino ferry
across the western water,
watch the stars
from way up close
and bid away
the eastern farmers.


Perhaps because I enjoy directions, perhaps because I like a well-placed rhyme, maybe it's just where the ferry is going, this part is special. It's simple and true - these are things we'd do on that ferry, looking out over the edge, just as we look out the window of a plane on takeoff, seeing the square farms with dirt roads intersecting them and the patch of a few oak trees around what must be the ranch house from the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, bidding good day to them as we're off to a more beautiful dimension of earth. This gets to me, and sticks with me; I like that it does, and when I'm on that ferry, I'll think of this and bid good night to the east and hello to the stars.
#5
This was thoroughly enjoyable to read. I loved the theme behind it, well the theme I gathered anyway, whether it was your original idea is another matter.
There really isn't much I can say. Your opening few lines really struck me, which is rare to find. The majority of people will attack the throat at the end with some starkly poignant point or climax. This, on the other hand, slits you open, beginning at the verse, and lets you bleed dry, but then neatly sews the wound up with a quiet, but intelligent ending.
It had this nice glow to it; one of coasting, but also of humour. If you had relied on 'water like' metaphors and whatever, just to say, 'I'm lost', I would of been bored, but the humour you wittily added threw this into another demention.
This is excellent stuff, mate, one of my favourites this week.

Digitally Clean
Last edited by AngryGoldfish at Sep 18, 2008,
#7
i apologize in advance for the crap comment; but i'm going to agree with Dan:
it seems i've been slit open and bled dry.

this was good shit.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.