#1
The title is more of a warning, because this song may offend. Probably not going to keep it as the actual title as it doesn't really pertain to the subject matter.

Lifeless limbs held taut by rope
As the blade penetrates soft skin, her screams quiet
Tears dry on your face - gold hair stained red
Beg me for death. I command so much more

I've tasted fear, hate, and power; I want more
One last dance with the animal inside

Forced entry, the tightest, unmatched
Sacred promise - broken, torn. Diminish her will
Unwarranted presence; I will not leave
Her tranquility, I shall defile

Enslaved to my whim, and I'm entombed in flesh
The only road to heaven is between her legs

Enter pig into lamb, sweet sincerity
Ecstacy and bliss offset by helpless despair
Perfection

I give the unwanted - she can only take
I'm a saint; deliverer of forbidden pleasure
To those too afraid to seek it

Her flesh, my guilt; dissolve in the acid
Sweetest pink turns to darkest red - then brightest white

I practice what my father tought me
Don't worry child, this will only hurt forever

Purest evil, first offense - can there be a more fitting end?
#2
Pure, genius. At first, reading the intro/verse, I thought it was just bondage. But, discovered it's a bit more than just that XD
#3
Thanks! I tried touching on a subject that I haven't seen many people write about. Especially through this perspective. I don't know about pure genius xD but you have made my day!
#4
You don't see too many gore bands with intelligible lyrics; there are a few (without delving into Carcass/County Medical Examiners types), but not many. It's nice when someone can write this style well. It says something about your writing and your stomach muscles ...among other things.
#5
I was intrigued by the title, though it's an awesome title, I think you should change it. I think it would give this more meaning. As for the song, definitely not what I expected, but I'm glad I checked this out. It was great off the start, and amazing for such a delicate subject. Awesome job.
Check for "Taking a Picture (Won't capture this)
#6
Extremely good form, and excellent persona.
This depicts every madmans quest at entering the forbidden fruit into a virginal princess without permission.

I absolutely loved it. It may offend people, or depict a certain quality worthy of," Very sick mother****er," but I protest.

Writing isn't about moral anymore, it's about injecting lucid visions of the writers pretense.
4.5 out of 5 stars.

As for the title, it's a bit simplistic, and maybe even vague. I would of chosen something along the lines of, "Natural Born Animal." The current title reminds me too much of sanity, and warning. You're describing someone, or yourself, as an animal, ingenius in his perfection, and disgusting in his imperfections.

Thus, an animal would suffice, that is what I think when I read this man's personaility depicted on the lyrics.

Sincerely,

Sean The Baptist

P.S. Beautiful...****ing beautiful, I will give you a guanrentee'd critique if you do another disturbing peice like this.
My Gear:

MasterBuilt Crash Fender Stratocaster.
Gibson Custom Les Paul 57' Black Beauty

Dean BlueRidge Eagle Series Acoustic-Electric
Martin 000XM (Mahogany) Acoustic.
:Rasta:
#8
Thank you all so much for the critiques. As for the the title, I guess nobody read my message before the song xD. I'm definitely changing it, I just couldn't think of anything better and it served a double purpose.

As for the POV, AlienFinger79, you're right, I should have checked over that more carefully. I'll probably change that tonight, along with coming up with a new title.

And finally, I don't have the time right this second, but later in the day, I'll definitely be reading through some of all of your writings, if any.
#9
i thought this wasn't a bad attempt at all. some very good lines in there.
i was gonna say it's a bit too obvious, but in consideration of the subject matter, maybe subtly wouldn't be very fitting. regardless, at times, because we know what you're talking about almost immediately, some lines seem redundant, "forced entry", "unwarranted presence". it's not really a major flaw as such, but just that some lines/images didn't hit me as strongly as others

"Lifeless limbs held taut by rope"
"I want more
one last dance with the animal inside"
"Her flesh, my guilt; dissolve in the acid
Sweetest pink turns to darkest red - then brightest white"

those in particular i thought were quite good.
you need to sort out some of the structure and punctuation though, it's a bit sloppy/all over the place. i might come back and go into more detail later.
i enjoyed reading it though - that's probably unhealthy. will keep an eye out for your other stuff.
#10
I assume the 'Beg me for death' is an order you*'re giving the girl - otherwise it would have been 'begs'. Just pointing it out in case it wasn't intentional (This time, though, I'm pretty sure it was). In the very likely case that was intentional, please disregard this post entirely.

*Not sure about the right term for the person in the song.
#11
Quote by PurpleDinosaur
The title is more of a warning, because this song may offend. Probably not going to keep it as the actual title as it doesn't really pertain to the subject matter.

Lifeless limbs held taut by rope
As the blade penetrates soft skin, her screams quiet
Tears dry on your face - gold hair stained red
Shouldn't this be "Tears dry on her face"?
Beg me for death. I command so much more
Excellent opening.

I've tasted fear, hate, and power; I want more
One last dance with the animal inside

Forced entry, the tightest, unmatched
Sacred promise - broken, torn. Diminish her will
Unwarranted presence; I will not leave
Her tranquility, I shall defile
Too much punctuation, it overly breaks everything up. There's no room to breathe or accept what you are saying.

Enslaved to my whim, and I'm entombed in flesh
The only road to heaven is between her legs
Gorgeous.

Enter pig into lamb, sweet sincerity
Ecstacy and bliss offset by helpless despair
Perfection

I give the unwanted - she can only take
I'm a saint; deliverer of forbidden pleasure
To those too afraid to seek it

Her flesh, my guilt; dissolve in the acid
Sweetest pink turns to darkest red - then brightest white

I practice what my father tought me
Don't worry child, this will only hurt forever

Purest evil, first offense - can there be a more fitting end?
No comment really... oh except this, awesome!


I really don't have a whole lot to say on this, its quite excellent.

Digitally Clean
#12
Thank you! Sorry, I've been away. I fixed the POV error you pointed out, and as for the punctuations in that one stanza, I'll get working on it and edit that when it's done. Thanks again for all your crits, I'm working on a new one it should be up sometime next week, I hope.