#1
Crystallized
Your spiritual journey of space and time…

Victimized

Desertion upon you, you only run and hide…

I can’t see, the mysteries you’ve done to me
I won’t take, the pressure you give, ‘cause I refuse to

Break

Traveling the road less travelled…

Blank

Winding through the forks and shadows…

I can’t see, the mysteries you’ve done to me
I won’t take, the pressure you give, ‘cause I refuse to

Break

You are a diamond,
Impossible to cut…

A mesmerizing, hypnotizing, crystallized, diamond…

Shaken

Choking on knowledge you couldn’t swallow

Escaping

The continuum set, erasing your mind

I can’t see, the mysteries you’ve done to me
I won’t take, the pressure you give, ‘cause I refuse to

Break

You are a diamond,
Impossible to cut…

A mesmerizing, hypnotizing, crystallized, diamond…


Please, give me the most honest critique. I'm trying to become better, and you telling me "it was good......" isnt going to help me. Of course, you can always like it if you want :P. Also, I plan on adding onto this.

Edit: removed brackets.
Eschquipment:
Epiphone SG400
Peavy Vypr 30 watt
Dean Vendetta XM

and thats about it...
Last edited by Arca301 at Sep 18, 2008,
#2
mmk, well, honesty says "lose the brackets." I don't care how it's sung, honestly, I want to sing it to myself. I hear Pink Floyd, I hear a post-humous Hendrix to Russian Circles songs. I hear repetition to drone music, good to get stoned to. I hear the intervals between Aphex Twin songs, in reverse. Improvisation is what I hear and see, as well as excessive blame in places it doesn't belong. Of the diamond we want to hear, and less of you. But we want to hear you.
#3
Well.... is that a good thing?
Eschquipment:
Epiphone SG400
Peavy Vypr 30 watt
Dean Vendetta XM

and thats about it...
#4
Yeah, I agree. The brackets need to go. They're rather distracting. But that aside, it was pretty good. A few cliched lines (sadly, the main line "diamond, impossible to cut, etc" is included). I like the Frost reference, whether it was intentional or not. I love throwing in references in my work.
#5
Thanks for the feedback guys, I've removed the brackets now. They were only there to help me remember how I wrote it to be (in case I left it alone and came back to it later), I just forgot to erase them when I copy/pasted.
Eschquipment:
Epiphone SG400
Peavy Vypr 30 watt
Dean Vendetta XM

and thats about it...