#1
Haven't posted here in awhile..... pretty rare that I post a song before midnight lol.
So I just wrote this, let me know what you think. C4C


Taking A Picture (Won't Capture This)

The nerves are kicking in,
I'm shaking, sh-shivering
I try to keep my cool,
But this is something worth going for

And it's worth it,
To be here right now,
I knew that
We'd get here somehow
And now I'm
Melting in reality
Take a look around
Let it change your personality

This is a once in a lifetime,
Twice in eternity
Relax and take a moment to,
Break the animosity
Keep this in your memory,
But please don't
Discard this moment casually

I've calmed down,
Now i'm ready to go
Let's rock this,
New crescendo
Throughout the old day,
Into the new day
This one is going down,
With everyone in disarray

This is a once in a lifetime,
Twice in eternity
Relax and take a moment to,
Break the animosity
Keep this in your memory,
But please don't
Discard this moment casually

As the years pass by,
And you live your life
Think back to the moment
That left you mystified

It was a once in a lifetime,
Twice in eternity
Kind of situation
That displaced your memory
Check for "Taking a Picture (Won't capture this)
Last edited by Fallen_Misery at Sep 18, 2008,
#3
Quote by Fallen_Misery
Haven't posted here in awhile..... pretty rare that I post a song before midnight lol.
So I just wrote this, let me know what you think. C4C


Taking A Picture (Won't Capture This)

The nerves are kicking in,
I'm shaking, sh-shivering
I try to keep my cool,
But this is something worth going forI like the opening

And it's worth it,
To be here right now,
I knew that
We'd get here somehow
And now I'm
Melting in reality
Take a look around
Let it change your personality this has a strong staccato rock rhythm, so I hope that's what you're going for. It's definitely sort of upbeat pop/rock, but that's fine as I think that's the intent, and it's done well. Lyrically I don't really like the last 3 lines here, especially 'personality'. A 5-syllable word is too much, and it's just an awkard.

This is a once in a lifetime,
Twice in eternity
Relax and take a moment to,
Break the animosity Like the first 3 lines but this one is a little forced, I just think these longer words don't work as well in quick-hitter type songs, the exception being when each syllable is treated almost like a separate word. Since that doesn't seem to be the case, I'd change it
Keep this in your memory,
But please don't there's no need for 'but' since the previous and following lines are saying the same thing. It's a place-holder but it doesn't make sense
Discard this moment casually

I've calmed down,
Now i'm ready to go
Let's rock this,
New crescendo
Throughout the old day,
Into the new day
This one is going down,
With everyone in disarray This has the makings of a great catchy pop/rock/dance song, but some of these awkward lines are really tripping it up. In this genre, keep it simple. 'All in disarray' would be fine here

This is a once in a lifetime,
Twice in eternity
Relax and take a moment to,
Break the animosity
Keep this in your memory,
But please don't
Discard this moment casually

As the years pass by,
And you live your life
Think back to the moment
That left you mystified see my earlier comments

It was a once in a lifetime,
Twice in eternity
Kind of situation
That displaced your memory This is me taking an axe to all of these wordy lines, leaving in my wake the stomp-beat dance floor rock n' roll song that is trapped underneath it all



Well most of my crits were on the same topic so no need to rehash. Really, I love the flow, I love the staccato structure, and some sharp, rock guitar (I'm seeing hives, mando diao, white stripes, fallout boy) makes this gold...IF you pare down these lines that look good on paper but get in the way of rockin' out.

c4c always appreciated, link to my newest 'Of Felons and Fathers' in my sig.