#1
cut and paste
the tv
to my face

holler into a well down to the stuck kids
wrestle a common girl into a gravel smile

meth mouth from too much candy and caramel apples
out for a fun night of hitting some cars off the road
out in the country
out in the truck

think its weird that these
three thousand pound machines
miss us
by just inches
at sixty
every day?

the Berlin fireworks reflected off your face Lena,
like lsd in my iv like Huxley.

If I wanted to
I could live in Hollywood, I know this girl,
but I can't even save up for $5 's worth of gas.
I would smoke marijuana out of an apple
on charlize theron's apartment balcony

in the morning sun laughing
Last edited by parkt921k at Sep 19, 2008,
#2
Quote by parkt921k
cut and paste
the tv
to my face
Awesome.

holler into a well to the kids
wrestle a common girl into a gravel smile
These two lines are very good, except for the repetition of "into", that ruined it for me. They felt a little disconnected from each other as well, and because you skipped a line so early on in the piece, it feels like you are beckoning the reader to really pay attention to the importance of the next lines, which accentuates them too much.

playing some football, soccer, some football, some hockey, meth mouth from too much candy and caramel apples, leggy long blonde's, out for a fun night of hitting some cars off the road out in the country in the truck, had a laugh at the bike cop's direct expense
The repeated "football" is beyond me and the flow of it doesn't compliment the excellent following line. I don't like the last section though - "had a laugh at the bike cop's direct expense" - It seems very uncomfortable to me personally.

think its weird that these two thousand pound machines miss us by inches at sixty miles per hour every day?
Cool question.

eating just preservatives for snacks the fireworks reflected off your face,
I don't know how I'm supposed to read this or take it, therefore I can't enjoy it as much as you may of original desired.


lsd in my iv like Huxley.

I could live in Hollywood, I know this girl, but I would have to get there first.
I can't even save up enough for $5 's worth of gas.
I would smoke pot out of an apple
on charleze theron's apartment balcony in the morning sun laughing
Cracking ending, although it doesn't feel entirely successful relative to the rest of the poem, which detracts from it overall.


This had your awesome touch to it with a few classic one-liners, but the odd layout felt incomplete and disconnected. I know that emphasis's the feeling of ambiguity concerning Hollywood and popular lifestyles, but it just made it cumbersome to read.

Digitally Clean
#3
Aside from a few solid one liners, this came across as much to disconnected to warrant anything but a vague chuckle from me. Nothing is technically wrong... there just isn't a whole lot there outside of the first stanza and a few solid ideas spread throughout. I don't have much to say, just thought I would throw out some thoughts.