#1
Hello I'm new to the boards and this is the first song I've written:

Always keep the curtains shut
seeping through the window
the darks too bright, the darks too bright.
Place mirrors on your eyelids
and see that nothing changes
if you paint it white, if you paint it white.
Talk through stained conversations
isolations my new haven
and it scares me, oh yes it scares me.
Don't you think its time
we finished bailing out the ship
just let it sink, oh let it sink.

The sunspots on my heart have made it too burnt to eat,
but I'll never throw it out even 'though we both can see...

There, There's no goodwill in--- our house
I see you each day, but who would know.

Petty wins is all I've got
take a s**t inside my head
flush it out, well not in my head.
Catch each others empty glances
look of blissful hatred
isn't this fun? Why is no one laughing?
The biggest joke I've ever heard
is that everything is for the best
how absurd, oh how absurd.
Yet I'll still blind myself with lies
that aren't even mine
and I'll tell 'em, oh how I'll tell them.

The sunspots on my heart have made it too burnt to eat,
but I'll never throw it out even 'though we both can see...

There, There's no goodwill in--- our house
I see you each day, but who would know.
#2
hey mate, thanks for the crit on mine. i don't have time to crit this right now, but i'll be getting to this later.
#3
Quote by MunroScott
Hello I'm new to the boards and this is the first song I've written:

Always keep the curtains shut
seeping through the window
the darks too bright, the darks too bright.
I think you need punctuation after "shut" if you're going to use punctuation throughout the rest of the piece. The sentence "always keep the curtains shut seeping through the window the darks..." doesn't make sense."
Place mirrors on your eyelids
and see that nothing changes
if you paint it white, if you paint it white.
I thought this was a very interesting idea.
Talk through stained conversations
isolations my new haven
and it scares me, oh yes it scares me.
Don't you think its time
we finished bailing out the ship
just let it sink, oh let it sink.
do you mean "isolation is my new haven"? If so, it should be "isolation's my new haven." The ideas here seem interesting, but there's a distinct lack of cohesion between the ideas here and in other parts of the piece - to me, anyway. "Don't you think it's time we finished bailing out the ship" reads awkwardly for me. Did you intend to imply that you should "jump off the ship" which would be "bailing out of the ship", or do you mean "saving the ship" which is what I got from what you've written.

The sunspots on my heart have made it too burnt to eat,
but I'll never throw it out even 'though we both can see...

There, There's no goodwill in--- our house
I see you each day, but who would know.
hmm...interesting

Petty wins is all I've got
take a s**t inside my head
flush it out, well not in my head.
really disliked this. the tone of the last line felt out of place
Catch each others empty glances
look of blissful hatred
"each others empty glances look of blissful hatred" is awkward wording
isn't this fun? Why is no one laughing?
The biggest joke I've ever heard
is that everything is for the best
how absurd, oh how absurd.
Yet I'll still blind myself with lies
that aren't even mine
and I'll tell 'em, oh how I'll tell them.
the blind myself with lies sounds very cliché

The sunspots on my heart have made it too burnt to eat,
but I'll never throw it out even 'though we both can see...

There, There's no goodwill in--- our house
I see you each day, but who would know.


Though the first three lines needed work, overall I thought the first six lines were pretty good. I liked the sunspots on my heart idea with the other two lines, though something about the wording bothered me. The idea seems undeveloped. I think the main problem for me was the second large stanza. It seemed quite weak and your ideas are a bit scattered. I think if you concentrated your metaphors a bit more, light/dark, ship sinking, and made sure your vocabulary reflected it, it would be much stronger. Atm, some of the lines don't seem well thought out, "stained conversation", "empty glances", "blissful hatred" sounds like you wrote them because you thought they sounded good, rather than those words having a purpose. The piece wasn't too bad overall though.

Hope this helps, thanks for the comment on mine.
Last edited by sleep sickness at Sep 20, 2008,
#4
i like it.as sleep sickness said some of he adjectives seem to chosen because they sound good rather than make sense but if you are singing them it doesnt matter as much as if it was purely a literary piece.other than that it has potential

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=961700
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#5
Thanks for your comments they've been very helpful and I pretty much agree with what you've said. I'll get to work on improving this.

Cheers
Last edited by MunroScott at Sep 20, 2008,