#1
I'm an Egg Assassin

Golf shoes on egg shells
sex sells like cigarettes.
Smoking pimps;
proper hard,
fat and lardy with
foolhardy guns
totting their hips skyward.

Television reports
with masked faces;
condoms for the BBC news crew.
Its so easy to forget
when in bed
with your employees;
bareback makes you harder.

I'm an egg assassin,
a retailer of rape.
This is my story,
don't you wanna' know it?

Golf shoes on egg shells
empty like the humanitarian
protesters; damned
hypocritical snobs:
I drink – they drink
I smoke – they smoke
I sell women – they buy women

I play the routine,
I risk my life for them,
and all I get is grief.

Its not my fault egg shells crack easily.


Digitally Clean
#3
the metaphor of egg shells isn't very pretty. it makes me sad. the flow of this piece is its really charm it is as Zanas said so disorienting that it makes the piece interesting to delve into. second and fourth stanzas could use a little tidying up though. not really in terms of how they are worded by the imagery you are throwing out is a bit cliche. interesting piece.
#4
Quote by AngryGoldfish
I'm an Egg Assassin

Golf shoes on egg shells
sex sells like cigarettes.
Delightful beginning !
Smoking pimps;
I hate the word "pimps", but ok...
proper hard,
fat and lardy with
foolhardy guns
totting their hips skyward.

Television reports
with masked faces;
I liked these two lines
condoms for the BBC news crew.
Its so easy to forget
when in bed
with your employees;
bareback makes you harder.
Everything in here is quite odd... I shall see if I maintain this opinion in the end

I'm an egg assassin,
a retailer of rape.
This is my story,
don't you wanna' know it?
Is this a song ? This looks like a chorus. Not bad at all

Golf shoes on egg shells
empty like the humanitarian
protesters; damned
hypocritical snobs:
I drink – they drink
I smoke – they smoke
I sell women – they buy women
The best stanza IMO.

I play the routine,
I risk my life for them,
and all I get is grief.

Its not my fault egg shells crack easily.
This was an amazing ending.


Digitally Clean


I don't think I really got what you were trying to say, if you could PM me explaining what you were trying to say I'd be pleased
I really think this is intelectually delicious but I can't comment something I don't get. I'll be back at this after your explanation ok ?
#6
I'll get to this soon.
I'm too tired tonight to be of much use.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#7
I didn't notice Steven Wilson to be an advocate of this style of writing. He writes very bluntly, but thats about the only comparison I can think of. In fact, his stuff is far more to the point than mine, you only have to listen to Fear of a Blank Planet once to understand what he's saying.
Thank you for the comparison though, I very much admire his abilities.
#8
I was listening to "Anesthetize" as I read it, and the BBC mention reminded me of his MTV mention.

Other than that, yes, your style is different than his, but I could definitely see this (or an incarnation of this) in a PT song.

Mostly I was just calling you a genius xD
#11
Im just saying that this was pretty cool, a good one . liked your disconnected voice in parts , like a voice coming out of a helium filled balloon. and btw if youre interested i revised that one, esp about the bike cop, which i agreed with you on . yeah not much to say, maybe will later. pretty cool
#12
i'm not too sure of what to say.
though i didn't really connect with the piece, i thought it was an interesting read as others have said. i don't think i really understood the egg shells metaphor which was the problem.
i'm not sure the first sentence makes sense grammatically:
"Golf shoes on egg shells sex sells like cigarettes"

should there be punctuation of some sort in there? it sounds fine, smooth even, but re-reading it made it seem awkward to me.
other than that, i thought it was a well written piece. sorry i can't be of much help.
#13
that was awsome it seems like it could of been by some one famous

I especially like the part that said

I'm an egg assassin,
a retailer of rape.
This is my story,
don't you wanna' know it?

It is a really gook hook line type thing.
^This post was probably sarcastic

GO LEAFS GO

Chief Executive Officer of Music Games of THE ULTIMATE-GUITAR GAMING FORCE
#14
As others have said, this is quite disorienting with all the images you're throwing around. That makes in enjoyable in one aspect, but in another it means I'll probably never take the time to figure out what exactly you're saying. Much like your last one, I loved the tone in this - it made the piece.

Without having dived into this too far, it was just zany enough to be a good read.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#15
Ah, thanks Jake, I appreciate the comment about my zany style; I love the fact that I write totally freakily.
To be honest, this is the only piece where I actually thought, how the hell did people not understand this, it seems so clear to me. Usually I totally agree and say,' yes, you are right, this makes sense only to myself, I apologize for my cryptic nature.'
But, for the first time ever I say, 'f u'! If you don't get, thats just your tough chewy cookie... without milk... with a mouth ulser! Have it!
Thanks for all comments.