#1
Seen her dancing in the bar light,yeah it left her draped in blue
Seen the stone cold look in her eyes,could be reflections of her youth,
Another late lonely stranger,tequila sunrise "gotta run"
Drink until this bottles empty,or at least until my body is numb

Let it take control
until we explode

Seen her standing in the porch light,yeah it left her draped in blue
Caught a glimpse of warmth in her eyes, for a second it was true
Ran my fingers down her back, searchin' for some peace of mind,
Felt her fingers run across my neck,begging my to come inside,

(Chorus)

Seen our shadows from the lampshade,dancing to our beating hearts,
Yeah her body was my secret place,the morning never seemed so far.

(Chorus)
#2
Quote by Shadowplay13
Seen her dancing in the bar light,yeah it left her draped in blue
Seen the stone cold look in her eyes,could be reflections of her youth, I think these are a great opening pair of lines, although I'd drop the 'could be' from line 2 because it's a wordy line as is
Another late lonely stranger,tequila sunrise "gotta run" I don't understand the second part of this line
Drink until this bottles empty,or at least until my body is numb Great rhythm in this line

Let it take control
until we explode After reading the rest of the song, I'm a little confused- is this the chorus? If so, it doesn't really offer all that much in terms of flow, or story, or hook

Seen her standing in the porch light,yeah it left her draped in blue
Caught a glimpse of warmth in her eyes, for a second it was true
Ran my fingers down her back, searchin' for some peace of mind,
Felt her fingers run across my neck,begging my to come inside, great stanza. Really.

(Chorus)

Seen our shadows from the lampshade,dancing to our beating hearts,
Yeah her body was my secret place,the morning never seemed so far. Almost. Essentially, to me this is conveying the tired tryst that, for a moment, is really good enough, but will always lack. I hope so, because it's a delicious message. But I honestly can't tell what the point is. If it's what I suggested, the lines need some tweaking to make it clearer. If not, it should be.

(Chorus)


Really, a very good job, some excellent imagery and a good scene that avoids being obvious. The chorus, or lack thereof, needs work, and it's admittedly tough to find a fitting chorus with a piece like this. Also, I'd like to see a little clarification with the potentially wrenching message of the last stanza.

By the way, I note you posted 'c4c' in your title and got your thread locked. However, you are allowed to post it within your thread, and I've found it will rightly increase your crits.

c4c appreciated, link in my sig to my newest, 'Of Felons and Fathers.'
#3
thnx for the input....the tequila sunrise part is supposed to be a play on words about leaving after a one night stand..lol yeah its not the great...i've since changed the chorus to "let it take control,until we find our bitter end(3x)rising with the daylight."
anyways i will crit yours when i get the chance..gonna have a quick read now