#1
it's a chilly day in Neverville;
teeth chatter, trees shatter
and poor sap, I
move sluggish by
collecting all the flakes.
all my mistakes, like evergreens
they huddle here all times of year
afraid of branching out.
what am I then, but the snow.
covering, and them discovering
every
little
crystal.
for now I'm their reflections,
their tiny, little imperfections.
so they shiver
and begin to see things differently
from everybody else. and even though
my frost seems beautiful to me,
they're just trying to shake off the cold.


On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#2
The last two lines were ****ing wonderful, the rest didn't need to be that long, though it was good. I'll be back to say more.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#3
Everything but the last 2.5 lines was filler to me. It flowed nicely, but felt hollow. It didn't really engage me beyond me saying, "hmm, that sounded nice when I read it." You could shorten it down to a 2 line intro to your last lines and have this really impact. As it stands, by the time I got to the end, I was just ready for to be done. OH, and your first line sucked something fierce. Name was clever.... but it was such a horribe example of showing not telling that it immediately took me out of the piece. Which is never a good thing.

Yeah, I'm a dick like that. But now that you are WotM, I can rape you and not feel like I'm raping a child.

-zC
#4
I find the idea of snow and frost to be a little cliched personally. Its certainly an effective tool for metaphors, but thats it; snow flakes feel stale to me. They just seem like a means to an end, not like a method to your madness.
I thought the flow of this was pretty poor, personally. Your rhymes seemed all over the place and hectic and your line breaks were too frequently obtuse. Small amounts of what you did works wonders, but not in this great quantity, it almost feels like your trying too hard to keep things quirky and clever with wacky line breaks.
For a man of your stature, concerning writing, the first line in this poem and the rhymes were not that great at all.
It wasn't until the end that I really saw a shining snow flake fluttering. (irony, hehe) up until that point, it was like falling on your ass in the icy roads... in front of passing traffic... with your girfriend... and her little brother... who's holding your hand as you fall, and you drag him down with you... and he cries... and then you do... etc, etc!

Ha... I raped you as well. It was fun.
#5
^I had to laugh at that, even though my ass hole is now officially the size of a frying pan.


Thank you both for your honesty. That is what I need to get me going again, I've been lazy lately.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#7
bampz.
ill be bach like Ahhnold Schwartzawatchacallit.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#8
it's a chilly day in Neverville;
Neverland would sound better, but it has too many direct implications.
for that reason alone, this is better.
sonically, Neverville is poor (repeated "v"). look for something better.

teeth chatter, trees shatter
like it.
and poor sap, I
enjoyed the loose association of trees to sap.
the line break after I rather than before feels awkward.
stylish, but in this case i think it almost does more harm than good.

move sluggish by
like the thoughts of this line and the one that follows
but the wording causes some unpleasant ambiguities.

collecting all the flakes.
all my mistakes, like evergreens
they huddle here all times of year
starting this line with they gives this a sloppy conversational style.
rethink this line.

afraid of branching out.
what am I then, but the snow.
covering, and them discovering
them causes this to be vague.
and the thought becomes convoluted.
the most recent other you mentioned was the evergreens.
through simile, your mistakes.
so your mistakes are discovering you?

every
little
crystal.
good use of line breaks for emphasis.
for now I'm their reflections,
their tiny, little imperfections.
so they shiver
and begin to see things differently
from everybody else. and even though
my frost seems beautiful to me,
they're just trying to shake off the cold.




good use of rhymes, but the theys and thems muddle the metaphors.
worth a revision or two.
Meadows
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#9
I like the intro, how it uses a unified scene, rather than throwing every witty little image in a song. In fact, that's what I've always liked about your works is that they're pretty much scenes with or without deeper thinking.
The rest of the piece did seem to drag on a little bit, and the rhyme scheme lent itself in that direction. I think part of the reason it dragged on was also the fact that you didn't leave the snowflakes for a length of 14 lines. So alot of it did seem to be filler to me.