#1
crit 4 crit

Contracted the sickness
spreading disease
Fear is controlling
Rage is growing

Destruction by my hand
Worlds collapsing
Haterd devours
loves gone sour

you will never see
Insanity taking over me
Haunting my dreams
with constant screams

peace has gone
hopeless cries
fear is growing
rage controlling

twisted souls
loves grown cold
cannot endure
no longer secure

Fighting is all I see
Lashing out
Violence controls
New life behold

you will never see
Insanity taking over me
Haunting my dreams
with your constant screams

well thats as far as I got let me no what yall think
Last edited by therealtater at Sep 21, 2008,
#2
Horrible rhyme scheme, when you followed it. So-so lyrics. I think you've got some good ideas, but you should try not to let your form and rhyming restrict your words.

Of course, for a virginal attempt, I give you credit. Get some more experience under your belt, maybe.
#3
yeah I know I was hoping for some pointers its been forever since I wrote anything and everytime I try it sounds like something Slipknot would release I just wrote this really fast in Algrebra today after my attention span turned off and was wondering what everyone thought
#6
Hey, first of all thanks for your flattering words on my song. I disagree with PurpleDinosaur, I don't think the rhyme scheme is a problem here. Not all songs have to rhyme, and the best way to get around rhyming is by having good rhythm between the lines and the syllables, and I think this is definitely accomplished here. Rhyme is good for flow and emphasis, but you have that anyway. I like that it doesn't rhyme but some are thrown in for occasional stronger flow. When I first started reading this, I was expecting to dislike it because I see so many of the generic dark/anger songs on here, but I like the structure so much that as long as the lyrics don't detract (and they don't) I think you've got yourself a song. It doesn't have a deeper meaning or story-ness, but neither do a lot of servicable rock songs.

My only real issues are with thread presentation. First, please don't post a reply to every comment made on your thread. If someone asks something specifically, or makes a mistake in their crit, then you can reply, or to address some general points after you've had 4 or 5 crits. But to reply every time is really just bumping, and my crit, for example, does not beg for a reply.

Second, please do not tell us how quickly you wrote and posted it. This is my new UG crusade. You will become a better writer, and get a lot more meaningful feedback if you're patient about posting. Write your song. Read it again. And again. And again. Look for weak lines, holes in the theme or storyline, flow improvements, more imagination. Do serious critical self-edits. Kick it around in your head for a few days. You'll hit on some things you don't like. When you're happy with the piece, or feel like it's reached its ceiling, then post it here. And don't post anything else for a week or so. When people say they wrote something quickly, it's just a cop-out. They're scared people will rip up their work, so in defense they act like it was off-the-cuff and they didn't even try. That's BS. Do some hard work, then stand proudly behind your piece.

luck to ya.
#7
Interesting premise, and I think the short lines could go well with aggressive guitar.

Lyrically, it's kinda weak,
with the same words repeated in places and a rhyme scheme that is sporadically followed.

I think with some time and patience you can develop this into an interesting piece.

EDIT: Also, I agree with ATM*
Blindfolds aside I'd probably still close my eyes

And try to feel a trembling fetal life inside
that shotgun barrel that's about to make me bleed

Like an ulcer in the stomach of the beast


Quote by Aurex
your sarcasam amuses me


CSUSM
Last edited by sneyob at Sep 20, 2008,
#10
hmmm thats actually pretty good keep it up its more original then the other one,and to that one dude not every song has to rhyme...
#13
I really like the short lines but the rhyme scheme is weird and I personally don't like it.

It was really good and reading through the other crits it seems like they covered everything.
^This post was probably sarcastic

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