#1
This one, I don't like as much as my previous post. Nor is it on nearly as disturbing a topic. But I was just curious what other people thought of this one. It's been about a year since I wrote it, haven't gone back for revisions or anything.


Her dreams denied in a sleepless night
Beneath the rising demon moon
Awaiting the return of her war-locked love
This once warm day will never end

A chorus of truth she will not entertain
Doomed to linger on the shores of hope
Yet the sea is dry, a reflection of her future self
Gone

She weeps his name
To no reply
Exhausted tears
Expel her life
They reform the sea
Of poisoned waters
That were her soul
She stands and stares

Alone she walks
Back to her village
And leads a wasteful life
The w hore, the urchin
Slowly grows devoid of spirit
Arms herself with fury
For all are out to get her

In the reborn sea
Filled with monsters
The last real fish is now
Upside down

Deluded and afraid, she panics
And kills the monster
Vying for her attention
Through broken eyes, it seems
That she is safe again

Never before had she encountered
Such a determined foe
And now asleep, dreaming at last
She sees her love returned
Eyes wide, gaping mouth, hole in head
Dead by her hand-
She wakes for the last time

Her sleep denied by the nightmare sky
Beneath the rising demon's moon
Never to see her war-locked love
This coldest day is near an end

Exhausted tears
Expel her life
Crone, hag
Drowned, devoured
Insanity
Insomnia

Her second chance is wasted
Ruined by her empty frame
And in the night she passes
Into her final, dreamless sleep.
Last edited by PurpleDinosaur at Sep 20, 2008,
#3
Thank you! Maybe in the morrow I could convince you to check out my first one? I responded to your response about Mr. Wilson, hopefully that makes you feel even better once you read it xD

Very much looking forward to reading some more of your stuff!
#6
alrighty, let's do the damn thing!

upon multiple re-reads, i believe that this could be condensed to one stanza and sound waaay better than it does at the moment. the archaic wording of the lines(with no rhyme), trots on far too long to keep the reader interested, imo. also too, the repetition of some stanzas; even though there are some slight changes in wording, conducts a symphony of stressful trekking for your audience's available attention span.
on another note, it seems like you have no problem whatsoever creating vivid imagery and descriptive diction. i think i'd really enjoy seeing something you could lay down in a more modern prose-form, or maybe even rhyme-based poetry.

so in short, this was written very well. it looks like you've chosen your words very carefully, and there's not enough grammatical errors that would be valuable to pick-on here. just try to involve your audience more, and maybe create a more inviting atmosphere.
thank you very much for your comment on my piece.
- K.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#7
Thank you! I must inform you though that I don't like to rhyme. Even reading it just bugs me. I use the technique from time to time, but not often. I suppose I'll give it another shot soon, and post it, just to see what others think, or if it's just me that thinks I write better in free verse.

I do agree, it's definitely a bit long. The repetitions were more for the sake of, like, yeah, we'll put the chorus here in the actual song, the verse here, etc.

As far as the actual story goes, and for posting purposes, I'm wondering if I should just take out the repetitions and leave only the meat. I think I'll do that.

Thanks for your crits, everyone. I'll try to come back in a week or so with a new work... hopefully this one will be more to everyone's liking
#8
OK, I'm drunk now. I'm very sorry mate, you have been ever so kind to me here and I really do owe you this. I will eventually say what I feel on this. BTW, I read your other piece as well: Very good work!
#11
And now asleep, dreaming at last
She sees her love returned
Eyes wide, gaping mouth, hole in head
Dead by her hand-
She wakes for the last time

Her sleep denied by the nightmare sky
Beneath the rising demon's moon
Never to see her war-locked love
This coldest day is near an end

Exhausted tears
Expel her life
Crone, hag
Drowned, devoured
Insanity
Insomnia

Her second chance is wasted
Ruined by her empty frame
And in the night she passes
Into her final, dreamless sleep.

hmm, it gave me the same feeling as reading Beowulf.

It flows quite nicely, that's for sure. However I feel you didn't put much of a spin on it, or much originality. And it was exciting for the parts that had a plot, but around halfway you drifted into some descriptive aftermath that didn't hold as well.


spare a crit if you mind?
i'd like one on "The Deer" in my signature.
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
#12
Quote by PurpleDinosaur
This one, I don't like as much as my previous post. Nor is it on nearly as disturbing a topic. But I was just curious what other people thought of this one. It's been about a year since I wrote it, haven't gone back for revisions or anything.


Her dreams denied in a sleepless night
Beneath the rising demon moon
I really liked your opening line, but this line, with the uncomfortable and slightly unsuitable word, "demon", felt out of place and dirty.
Awaiting the return of her war-locked love
This once warm day will never end
This has the same problem, they read very nicely, but the word "war-locked" felt poor. Love should be written in a sweet fashion, even if you are talking roughly about love with desparag tone, I much prefer to read a contrast of a well read line with the harshness of love. The contrast will work wonders.

A chorus of truth she will not entertain
Doomed to linger on the shores of hope
Yet the sea is dry, a reflection of her future self
Gone
Very good writing, except for the word "doomed", it seems very childish.

She weeps his name
To no reply
Exhausted tears
Expel her life
They reform the sea
Of poisoned waters
That were her soul
She stands and stares
Wonderful, but poison, once again, a childish and cheesy word, relieves this piece of quality and aptitude. Its quite a serious problem with this piece; you need to alleviate this with more 'easy on the ears' words and something with more compassion and less dramatic cheesiness.

Alone she walks
Back to her village
And leads a wasteful life
The *****, the urchin
What is bleeped out here? - To remove that problem, simply select a voul and set it to Italics.
Slowly grows devoid of spirit
Arms herself with fury
For all are out to get her
These three lines are a bit poor, to be honest. "Slowly grows... " reads very uncomfortable, while the next line reminds me of a bad metal song. Then finally, the last line is just aweful - "get"... what were you thinking? It ttotally ruins this section.

In the reborn sea
Filled with monsters
The last real fish is now
Upside down
I enjoyed the humour in this, but I imagine thats not what your plan was, so it might be best if you could try and re-write this. The idea is there, though.

Deluded and afraid, she panics
And kills the monster
I'm sure you could find a more interesting way to say this.
Vying for her attention
Through broken eyes, it seems
That she is safe again
That word "vying", it worked fairly well here because, although I was unaware of what it directly meant, in the situation here, I could theorize by reading the line in the context of the rest of the piece, which is neat.

Never before had she encountered
Such a determined foe
And now asleep, dreaming at last
She sees her love returned
Eyes wide, gaping mouth, hole in head
Dead by her hand-
She wakes for the last time

Her sleep denied by the nightmare sky
Beneath the rising demon's moon
Never to see her war-locked love
This coldest day is near an end

Exhausted tears
Expel her life
Crone, hag
Drowned, devoured
Insanity
Insomnia

Her second chance is wasted
Ruined by her empty frame
And in the night she passes
Into her final, dreamless sleep.

I have lost interest by now, I only skimmed the last few stanzas. You need to condense them seriously. I know this a story that requires a ture version of reminiscing, but you need to understand this from a readers perspective - they don't always want to read something as repetitive as this, they don't have the patience (I didn't, anyway)


This was a very good piece of writing. It was very interesting and lovely to read. It was too long and repetitive, though. This could be a whole lot better.
Hope the wait was worth it.

Digitally Clean
#13
Yes, well worth the wait, thank all of you for your crits. Definitely going to rework this song, totally. After reading and re-reading, I have a much different vision for this premise. I'm going to take some time to rework this and repost it a bit later to see what you all think.

EDIT: Actually, Dan, the humor was intentional. I can't take that stanza seriously, I just get funny mental pictures.
Last edited by PurpleDinosaur at Sep 20, 2008,