#1
Normally I run this by one of my friends before I let it loose to anyone but here is one I conjured up in the past 2 days at school. Oh yeah it's probably Cliched or w\e I don't read much poetry and This is just how I feel

Sea of Fear - By James Haap

The world has never seemed so clear,
I am drowning in a sea of fear.

The current is pulling me under,
Each wave strikes me like thunder.

My lungs quickly fill with water,
The struggle to live only gets harder.

The smothering water is icy cold,
"Death is Painless"... So I'm told.

Many thoughts skip through my head,
mostly of fear, lonelyness, and dread.

Now on the sea floor my body lays,
It ends at the bottom of this bay.

Still... Lifeless. Never to move again.

Stiff... Emotionless. Never to feel again.
^This post was probably sarcastic

GO LEAFS GO

Chief Executive Officer of Music Games of THE ULTIMATE-GUITAR GAMING FORCE
Last edited by James_Water2 at Jul 6, 2014,
#2
I like it, although I definitely feel a sense of "cliche".
Quote by James_Water2

The world has never seemed so clear,
I am drowning in a sea of fear. I feel like these lines are a good introduction, and really help your buildup.

The current is pulling me under,
Each wave strikes me like thunder.Although I like these lines, a feeling of almost forced rhyming is starting to come to play. Good, but not very unique in your writing.

My lungs quickly fill with water,
The struggle to live only gets harder.I feel the sense of drowning, so that's good.

The smothering water is icy cold,
"Death is Painless"... So I'm told.I like use of the word smothering, don't like the "death is painless" so I'm told line however. Don't know what to tell you otherwise. Really love that use of smothering though.

Many thoughts skip through my head,
mostly of fear, loneliness, and dread.Almost doesn't feel like it ties in. I don't like these lines, though I understand your ideas with them.

Now on the sea floor my body lays,
It ends at the bottom of this bay.It ends as in life? I don't like the use of it. I don't like the use of lays either, since a body doesn't really lie on the bottom of an ocean floor.

Still... Lifeless. Never to move again.

Stiff... Emotionless. Never to feel again.

Decent ending, I think all in all a good build up piece.


All in all I thought this was a good piece, and I generally don't like lyrics/poems that rhyme as much (most people force it in). I think with some work and perhaps some key words being changed around you could have a pretty solid piece. As you said however, this is a pretty overdone metaphor by multiple bands. So cliche does come to mind. If that doesn't bother you, that's great though.

Take it easy,
Jon.
#3
^ Thank you... I am going to consider what you said and use it to improve this one and the next thing I write. I really do hope you do not mind if I don't crit yours ( I did read it though)because I am not good enough yet... I do hope you can forgive me.
^This post was probably sarcastic

GO LEAFS GO

Chief Executive Officer of Music Games of THE ULTIMATE-GUITAR GAMING FORCE