#1
This piece was really on the spot; however, I feel like it has some potential. I figured I'd get some advice from some more experienced writers on where to take this. Critique is greatly appreciated as well. I also feel like the end line of the chorus really lacks, I'm thinking vigorously to replace it with something more meaningful and not as cliche.

we sit concerned and watching the tv,
praying for good things to come to those less fortunate.
when we pay the price we do so with all of our pride.
but is this enough or just a way to feel better with life?

the amount of hunger is enough to fill all of our stomachs,
and the amount of violence is enough to overcome an army.
do we really do enough?

we pray at night for our neighbors next door.
we pray at night for the good of our souls,
but when do we catch on that prayers for those already well
are useless, and not trying after praying is just as worthless

the amount of hunger is enough to fill all of our stomachs,
and the amount of violence is enough to overcome an army.
do we really do enough?

*bridge*
prayers can be answered, yes prayers can be answered.
by god or by others, prayers can be answered, prayers can be...

the amount of hunger is enough to fill all of our stomachs,
and the amount of violence is enough to overcome an army.
do we really do enough?


edit: Forgot to mention, please leave a link to your piece and I will be more than happy to critique and add my own advice.
#2
I think the problem I had with this was that it didn't feel like I was reading a piece of creative writing. The first stanza, for example, just feels like you're plainly stating facts in an uninteresting way. The "amount of hunger" idea was the only line that seemed remotely descriptive/interesting.

The third stanza seemed like the closest to being creative/poetic but you don't use your words well enough. "but when do we catch on that prayers for those already well are useless" is a long sentence with too many unnecessary words that cloud your message.

I don't think there's a problem with being blunt or direct in a piece, but in this instance, the piece was too plain to evoke much of my interest. The rhetorical questions you posed at the end of each line weren't effective because what came before didn't offer much interesting insight.

I hope this has helped a little and you take this advice with a slight pinch of salt.
#3
Quote by sleep sickness
I think the problem I had with this was that it didn't feel like I was reading a piece of creative writing. The first stanza, for example, just feels like you're plainly stating facts in an uninteresting way. The "amount of hunger" idea was the only line that seemed remotely descriptive/interesting.

The third stanza seemed like the closest to being creative/poetic but you don't use your words well enough. "but when do we catch on that prayers for those already well are useless" is a long sentence with too many unnecessary words that cloud your message.

I don't think there's a problem with being blunt or direct in a piece, but in this instance, the piece was too plain to evoke much of my interest. The rhetorical questions you posed at the end of each line weren't effective because what came before didn't offer much interesting insight.

I hope this has helped a little and you take this advice with a slight pinch of salt.


thanks for your opinions, I think the idea is something I wanna potray but really you're right, it feels like one line carries it and the rest wasn't presented interestingly enough. I'll be reviewing yours soon, I've got it marked :]. Thanks for the critique.
#4
Quote by JonM.
This piece was really on the spot; however, I feel like it has some potential. I figured I'd get some advice from some more experienced writers on where to take this. Critique is greatly appreciated as well. I also feel like the end line of the chorus really lacks, I'm thinking vigorously to replace it with something more meaningful and not as cliche. Glad to see you're reppin' Mandy Moore

we sit concerned and watching the tv,
praying for good things to come to those less fortunate.
when we pay the price we do so with all of our pride.
but is this enough or just a way to feel better with life? After the first paragraph, I thought it was an intriguing bit of poetry. After seeing a chorus and identified bridge, I realized it's song. This first stanza is really wordy and lacking definite flow, and I don't think is strong enough for an opening. You could cut all of these lines in half and say the same thing more creatively

the amount of hunger is enough to fill all of our stomachs,
and the amount of violence is enough to overcome an army. Again, focus on flow. If you do this:

The hunger is enough to fill all of our stomachs
The violence is enough to overcome an army

you would hit harder. Rule for flow: be leaner and meaner. I do like the lesson you're hitting on and some of your word choice

do we really do enough?

we pray at night for our neighbors next door.
we pray at night for the good of our souls,
but when do we catch on that prayers for those already well
are useless, and not trying after praying is just as worthless First two lines have much better flow, last 2 are too long and literal. Great idea behind it, but you need a wordsmith's touch to bring it to life

the amount of hunger is enough to fill all of our stomachs,
and the amount of violence is enough to overcome an army.
do we really do enough?

*bridge*
prayers can be answered, yes prayers can be answered.
by god or by others, prayers can be answered, prayers can be... meh. I get the point, but there might be a stronger way to say this, and the prayer repition will confuse people

the amount of hunger is enough to fill all of our stomachs,
and the amount of violence is enough to overcome an army.
do we really do enough?


edit: Forgot to mention, please leave a link to your piece and I will be more than happy to critique and add my own advice.


Great idea behind the song, some nifty phrases, and the overall structure is fine. However, a serious overhaul of structure within the stanzas and lines would dramatically amplify this piece. I'll repeat to you what has become my new UG crusade: Do serious self-edits before posting. Kick it around in your head a few days. Then I'd be helping you with fine tuning and advanced ideas, instead of macro issues that you probably could have solved on your own.

c4c appreciated, link to my newest 'Of Felons and Fathers' in my sig!