#1
This is a work in progress. It's about how all my friends have moved on with there lives and don't have time for me anymore. Meanwhile I'm still stuck at home.

I'm not 100% happy with my lyrics, so any input with this one will help.

Verse 1:
Deborah’s starting her new life,
She flew overseas today,
I wonder if she’ll still think about me,
Now that’s she’s living in the UK.

Edward’s leaving home tomorrow,
He’s going up-state with his chick.
There going to start a family, live on a farm,
My life just disappeared in a click.

Chorus:
Because I’ve fallen down to the dogs,
And it’s such a long way to fall
I’ve fallen down to the dogs,
Can anyone still recognize me at all?
I’ve fallen down to the dogs,
Where I’m going to serve my time.
I’ve fallen down to the dogs,
Where the bright lights never shine.

Verse 2:
Nobody said growing up would be fun,
Nobody said growing up would be fair.
I never did anything with my life,
And nobody said they would care.

Every day it’s the same old thing,
I’m like a puppet attached to strings.
Every day it’s the same old thing,
I’ll strum my guitar and the blues I’ll sing.
#2
First of all, good structure, sort-of. And props for creating a song. Wish more would do it on these boards.

Verse 1:
Deborah’s starting her new life,
She flew overseas today,
I wonder if she’ll still think about me,
Now that’s she’s living in the UK.

--DECENT OPENING. I ACTUALLY SORT OF LIKE IT. DON'T THINK IT IS SUPER OR ANYTHING, BUT I LIKE THE IDEA OF IT. IT'S KIND OF PLAIN THOUGH, AND OTHER THAN WANTING TO KNOW WHAT DEBORAH IS GOING TO THINK OF YOU, REALY NO INTEREST IN READING ON. CAREFUL OF THAT. NOT EXCITED ABOUT LINE 3 EITHER, IT'S PRETTY CHEESY.

Edward’s leaving home tomorrow,
He’s going up-state with his chick.
There going to start a family, live on a farm,
My life just disappeared in a click.

--LOVED THE IDEA AGAIN HERE OF ADDING IN THE FRIEND'S NAME. ADDS SUCH A PERSONAL LEVEL TO THE SONG. LOVING IT. HOWEVER, YOUR RHYME IS TERRIBLY FORCED, AND REALLY IS JUST NOT THAT GREAT. IT WOULD BE GREAT TO SEE YOU CONTINUE THE IDEA PRESENTED IN LINE 3 WITH THE LAST LINE. AND "CHICK" IS SUCH A LAME WORD .....

Chorus:
Because I’ve fallen down to the dogs,
And it’s such a long way to fall
I’ve fallen down to the dogs,
Can anyone still recognize me at all?
I’ve fallen down to the dogs,
Where I’m going to serve my time.
I’ve fallen down to the dogs,
Where the bright lights never shine.

--LIKE THE CHORUS. GOT A LITTLE SING SONG-Y, NOT SURE IF THAT WAS INTENTIONAL. NOT SURE IF I LIKE USING FALLEN AND FALL IN TWO CONSECUTIVE LINES, BUT I DON'T THINK IT TERRIBLE.

Verse 2:
Nobody said growing up would be fun,
Nobody said growing up would be fair.
I never did anything with my life,
And nobody said they would care.

--NOT DIGGING THIS AS A VERSE, BUT, I THINK IT WOULD MAKE A KILLER PRE-CHORUS OR BRIDGE.

Every day it’s the same old thing,
I’m like a puppet attached to strings.
Every day it’s the same old thing,
I’ll strum my guitar and the blues I’ll sing.

--YEAH, NOT DIGGING THIS EITHER. I DON'T THINK IT WORKS WELL AS A ENDING SINCE IT OFFERS NO REAL RESOLUTION, AND YOU ARE ADDING YET AGAIN ANOTHER LYRICAL STRUCTURE. GET BACK TO THE FRIENDS, IT WAS WORKING SO WELL ...

Good Friend: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=16247937#post16247937
LISTEN:
A Myspace introduction to:

LEARN:
It's not always rainbows and butterflies,
It's compromise that moves us along. -- Maroon 5
Last edited by aksuperstar at Sep 19, 2008,
#3
Thanks a lot, your input was very helpful. I'm going to re-write this tomorrow based on your suggestions. I might post the edited version.