#1
Verse 1:
There's a shadow in my eye;
I did not see it yesterday.
And there's a scar on my hand;
It won't seem to go away.
And there's a distance in your voice,
telling me not to call, or see you again.

Chorus:
What sins have I commited?
I must know!
What have I done to wrong you?
Won't you let me know?

Verse 2:
I tried to apologize, but you just turned away.
Are my crimes that unforgiveable?
And with a sting in my eyes, I turned and hid my face.
Was my conviction so justifiable?
But now I realised that I fell from grace, with nothing left to say.
Was my trial ever fair at all?

(Chorus)


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I know that this song is really short, what with only two verses and no bridge/interlude, but I honestly couldn't think of anything to add that didn't take from the overall message of the song.
#2
Very interesting, and there's obviously some experience behind the words,
(or you're just good at imagining a speaker's point of view)

I would say don't rhyme Know and Know in the chorus,
maybe go with Know first and a different line last,
like, "I never let you down" or "Have I sunk so low?"
I would mess around a little with that. :/

It's kind of weird that the lines in verse 2 are longer than verse 1 and they don't match the overall scheme,
but maybe there's a tone shift there?
Try to stick to a uniform pattern within verse, so music can match better.

I like where this is going, though,
I like the tone and the word choice.

Maybe a few less questions though
Blindfolds aside I'd probably still close my eyes

And try to feel a trembling fetal life inside
that shotgun barrel that's about to make me bleed

Like an ulcer in the stomach of the beast


Quote by Aurex
your sarcasam amuses me


CSUSM
#3
Just curious, is Persephone a mythological reference? If so, kudos to you.

Your song is pretty simple, but short and sweet to the point. The rhyming is decent, nothing showy, but not annoying either. The only line that really stuck out to me was, "I must know!" Unless it works really well with the music, I would either scrap that or revise it. You're just stating the obvious. The questions in the second verse are a little much, considering your whole verse is nothing but questions, IMO. I like the lines themselves, though. It's just looking at the song as a whole, it's a bit overwhelming hearing question after question.

Overall, pretty good song. Not too shabby. There's nothing overly awkward or any particular line, except for the one, that's actually bad. Reads well, flows well... all in all, nice work.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep