#1
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was a
simple foal then changed his shoes,
but couldn't change his name.

walked into the classroom
"I eat out your heart and drown out your soul."
and met the stares of

shining black crystal eyes on his
starlight cervix.

was an androgynous deer, then changed his name,
but couldn't change himself

was a cowering bitch, in the heated months of July.
tight, eyes, like the mother who cried.

from the fruitless tree,
to the disjointed limb.
climbed to fall every step.
inherently contructed out of grace,
of shimmering grace,
until all falls down,
like a deck of fallen corpses.

was an androgynous deer, then changed his name,
but couldn't change himself

...inherently contructed out of grace,
of shimmering grace,
until all falls down, then it is there,
it is there that the crowd grows wild,
rampant,
destructive.
shooke the earth with his antlers in rage

was a dying buck, he changed himself,
but couldn't change time.


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I think this is one ot those pieces I feel most honest-to about, and not merely a product of boredom.
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
Last edited by Laces Out Danny at Sep 19, 2008,
#2
Good overall, I like the theme, or what I gathered the theme to be, at least. I've got a few grammatical picks (shooke? Take away the e), and I'm not sure how I feel about ending two consecutive lines with the word "grace". And even though there were some changes in the end, I feel the repetition took away from it.