#1
projecting my preconceptions on you
i create deceptions and lies
my mind moulds my memories
disfigured thoughts mislead my eyes
unable to accept at face value
i deface your inner worth
wounds of the past surface silently
painful memories of being usurped

the past haunts me constantly
reminding me of the pain
my suffering clouds my vision
pure i perceive as stained
you remind me of my last
and all that went with it
i distance myself out of fear
too afraid to commit

i see my shadow reflected in you
golden as well as ugly
out of habit i focus on the negative
potential problems are all i see
more alike then you realise
kindred souls together in happiness
in my ignorance i fail to see the good
instead i see reflections of my own weakness
ಠ_ಠ
<|>
/ω\



Tell me what nation on this earth, was not born of tragedy-Primordial
#3
its set to a tribal polyrythm so theres multiple beats being played at once
ಠ_ಠ
<|>
/ω\



Tell me what nation on this earth, was not born of tragedy-Primordial
#5
my biggest problem with this is that the words you use/ideas you employ have the odour of something all too cliché familiar. you talk about "painful memories", "reminding me of my pain", "deception and lies", "mislead" etc and they do all tie together to contribute to one solitary idea, but those ideas are cliché.

although i understood the message and idea of the piece, the imagery is too abstract. what i mean by that is not that your ideas are too crazy, but rather that you talk about ("ignorance", "deception", "lies", "face value", "inner worth", "wounds of the past" etc) which are not concrete ideas. and it forces the reader to work very hard to imagine the situation with any detail or depth. the scenario you paint is clear, but because the situation is vague, the piece only makes a connection with the reader if they can relate to the emotions of the protagonist. you are too obvious with some of your lines, "i distance myself out of fear /too afraid to commit". at times like that, and others of the piece, you lose any real poetic/artistic merit the piece has.

it's hard to point out the little things wrong with the piece. it's not terrible writing, it's good to see you attempting to use description, imagery and metaphors but it just doesn't quite come off right in this piece. it's difficult to say "be more interesting with your writing", but you should just try and be creative. expand your ideas. develop your metaphors and imagery. experiment with different ways of expressing your ideas.

hope this helps
#6
I agree that parts of the wording seem too familiar but then I quite like the descriptive quality of this song. The line 'golden as well as ugly' struck a chord.
#7
its deliberately vague because i like readers to try and imagine a situation that they can relate to which they usually take from their own experience and to think about how people misinterpret situations because of things that happened to them
ಠ_ಠ
<|>
/ω\



Tell me what nation on this earth, was not born of tragedy-Primordial
#8
mmm i understand that. nothing wrong with that way of writing.
i think the problem with this though is that it was vague in the way it didn't really seem to have much character or individuality about it. no personal stamp or distinct style to show that you wrote it. and in that sense, it feels like many other pieces.
#11
tanks
ಠ_ಠ
<|>
/ω\



Tell me what nation on this earth, was not born of tragedy-Primordial