#1
i saw a man on the street
just begging for change.
next day, same man,
at the driving range.
he said the world
was burning down,
frowned and hit the ball.
aimed straight for the stars,
his god answered the call.
the world changed, that day,
sure as summer turns fall.
in a flash, he saw the truth
manifest in his palm.
he now knew just what it was
he thought he'd known all along,
and said,
"the world won't change
until it's too damn late"
#2
Nice piece. Little hard to follow at first (I read through it 3 times), but interesting. I like the concept. Original, fo sho. I don't think I've ever thought of someone having an epiphany about the apocalypse while golfing.

I'm not too fond of the the repeating rhymes of call, fall, etc., but that's just my opinion. To get into specifics,

he said the world
was burning down,
frowned and hit the ball.
aimed straight for the stars,
his god answered the call.


it was this part that really threw me. The punctuation and the way you broke it up doesn't seem natural to me. Particularly the bolded lines. It's a bit awkward.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
Last edited by nerk13 at Sep 21, 2008,
#3
i liked it man, like the above poster said the qhole subject was original, almost humerous, that his realization came while golfing, dont get the part, that says hes like a homless man, then the next day hes hitting balls at the range, so maybe a little insight into that would be nice, all in all its a good piece, peace

c4c?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=16361566#post16361566
#4
"that says hes like a homless man, then the next day hes hitting balls at the range, so maybe a little insight into that would be nice, all in all its a good piece, peace"

there's no place that says he's a homeless man, he was just begging for change..


not money, change, as in, change in the world, hence the ending.. use your brain :P
#6
Quote by BluePaintCult



not money, change, as in, change in the world, hence the ending.. use your brain :P


DAMN.

me gusta mucho.

is this like a hip hop style song?

for some reason thats how it flowed in my head.
either way, very good lyrics, they painted a very surreal picture in my head.


C4C?
crit my rhymes?:

Lets Get Drunk and Fuck.

Subtle Arrogance

Do you realize, that i can clearly see your clitoris through your jeans?

Quote by Shaepwnsyou
They're very religious, so they have butt sex to save their virginity.
#8
Quote by BluePaintCult
i saw a man on the street
just begging for change.
next day, same man,
at the driving range.
he said the world
was burning down,
frowned and hit the ball.
aimed straight for the stars,this part is a little odd. the above poster was right when he said its broken up oddly. maybe by going he hit the ball and frowned it would flow better?
his god answered the call.maybe his god is being politically correct but i like then god answered the call...but its nothing major
the world changed, that day,
sure as summer turns fall.
in a flash,
he saw the truth manifest in his palm. the way its broken up is odd in a few places. just a fix to make the idea flow better
he now knew just what it was
he thought he'd known all along,
and said,
"the world won't change
until it's too damn late"i dig this last part. my favorite.


if i helped ya at all if you could do my latest obsession thatd rock
#9
Wow. I feel like I read this years ago, but I didn't - I think it was the other day. It feels strange, and at home. I'm familiar with that guy, I know him. I know that change, we're old friends, and she never comes around until that moment when it no longer matters. But you never see that in the movies - the meteor is always destroyed just in time, and the dude enters the code on the nuke just in time (even though he and this girl who can't act are on a train in the middle of nowhere and are likely to be the only ones killed by the explosion), and it's bullshit, I don't like it. But I like this.
#10
^ Him.

"the world changed, that day,
sure as summer turns fall.
in a flash, he saw the truth"

It doesn't change in a flash, so to speak. I don't know. Just having that kind of feels weird, but it's workable.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#12
I read it yesterday night, and waited to comment because I wanted to like it.
It's written alright, and while I totally agree with where you were going, I didn't connect with the piece at any moment.

It didn't bring anything at all, it's more of a lyrical statement. Interesting if an exercise, lacks something if anything else.
#13
like others have said above, a really original take on the subject material. i'm not sure if it would fit to music, but it's a great little piece nevertheless