#1
Looking out the window from this café, it's interesting to see people hustle and bustle about on cell phones, completely oblivious to the world around them, standing outside restaurants on 45-minute wait lists, and among the foray,

An exhausted enterprise calmly enters life
staged far left from right and will surmise
that soon before would have been the wisest time
to draw dark circles under the eyes of the sun.

In hopes of sleep, she finds a fortune
looking for his confidant. At this moment,
forgiving former failures, love has found him
amongst the litter, discovering the gift of
not looking back.

This is the fitting ending to the alcohol drone;
once dreamt and left behind, heaven is not alone
humility destroys the home of hearts wrenching
backward in their graves

To the names of future slaves and lovers,
a steady gaze is given conciously and taken
not for nothing - I mean to say I'm grateful

for the day, in it's epoch, cannot be saved -
for you and I'll lose momentum long before
I reach space, invading the very stars
we've been carefully evading for years

by swimming out to shipwrecks and
climbing playground slides with the luck
of screaming children.

Crying upon arrival, I hope
we've learned our lesson.
#2
just to let you know i have read this a few times, and i like it.
but i need to come back to it later to try and give more detailed feedback.
#3
the ending was a nice, blunt-little gut-wrencher.
also, nice job at absolving every impurity of cliche i would've possibly imagined this having before hand.
however; i do think it was a tad predictable. whilst my comment on your last piece(concerning the GPS metaphor with the journey you provide in your pieces)stands as true for that one(imo), i don't think it so much suggests itself as an indication here. the journey is taken, but the destination is known; it was just a matter of time - which, is not necessarily a bad thing, because the execution of the piece was just beautiful.
*jiggles change in pocket*
well, i started out with 5 pennies in this crit.
now i only have 3.

oh, and don't feel impressed upon to comment on "MRI." unless you absolutely just want to.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#5
by swimming out to shipwrecks and
climbing playground slides with the luck
of screaming children.

Crying upon arrival, I hope
we've learned our lesson.


that bit was EXCELLENT.
I really enjoyed reading this piece. The structure was what interested me the most initially, and partly what kept me interested to read on. It felt like you were taking the reader by the hand through your stream-of-conciousness of sorts. echoing what otto said, reading the piece felt very much like a pleasant journey. after the long delay in returning the crit, i apologise this isn't particularly helpful, but i had no qualms with the writing at all.
#6
The way you open your pieces is very intriguing sir.

"once dreamt and left behind, heaven is not alone
humility destroys the home of hearts wrenching"

"a steady gaze is given conciously and taken
not for nothing - I mean to say I'm grateful"

Perhaps some sort of punctuation?

I'm sorry all I have is that sir.

You're talented, and I'm not sure I haven't seen you often in my years of being here. Perhaps you were avid before and I just don't remember.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#7
he used to mod round here, with monkeyguy if i remember correctly.
i agree about the punctuation (as said above), it would just break it down making it more manageable.
i really liked this piece, specifically the opening and ending. this the least constuctive comment you will ever recieve. for that i'm sorry.
Quote by Jaret Reddick
wake me up when september ends makes me cry evry time!

emos forever
:-(
#8
Quote by spike_8bkp
Looking out the window from this café, it's interesting to see people hustle and bustle about on cell phones, completely oblivious to the world around them, standing outside restaurants on 45-minute wait lists, and among the foray,
I think the few lines here could be totally removed, "and among the foray". It felt too disconnected from the previous statement. Its like you thought, hey, I have this cool line, where can I put it, oh yeah, there will do.
Also I don't like the addition of "about" after "hustle and bustle", I think its uneccesary and crowds it too much.


An exhausted enterprise calmly enters life
staged far left from right and will surmise
that soon before would have been the wisest time
to draw dark circles under the eyes of the sun.
This reads a little uncomfortably, but its a very cool idea.

In hopes of sleep, she finds a fortune
looking for his confidant. At this moment,
forgiving former failures, love has found him
amongst the litter, discovering the gift of
not looking back.
This is great, although I feel the line breaks could of been better.

This is the fitting ending to the alcohol drone;
once dreamt and left behind, heaven is not alone
humility destroys the home of hearts wrenching
backward in their graves

To the names of future slaves and lovers,
a steady gaze is given conciously and taken
not for nothing - I mean to say I'm grateful
"not for nothing" is only made clear and good with the next few lines tagged on. A clever little section.

for the day, in it's epoch, cannot be saved -
for you and I'll lose momentum long before
I reach space, invading the very stars
we've been carefully evading for years

by swimming out to shipwrecks and
climbing playground slides with the luck
of screaming children.

Crying upon arrival, I hope
we've learned our lesson.


Very good. Not much to say, I'm afraid.
#9
Well, thanks guys.

Just so you know, the beginning of my posts which ramble on and into the first part of the piece (sometimes adversely so) is merely my BSing in the way many do when presenting their works to other people. You know those classic "well, it's not quite finished" and "well, I JUST wrote this" and "I wrote this in five minutes" and people just go on and on, trying to humble themselves so people won't judge them so harshly. It's like this fellas: you're posting it here for all to read, or you're reading it in front of an audience or even just me: so shut up, and let your writing speak for itself. So, in essence, (not that I like to admit this because it kills the joke like the magician revealing the secret behind his trick) I'm making fun.

I have this thing regarding punctuation: I like to leave it up to the reader, or me, depending on how you or I are going to interpret it at any given time of reading. Perhaps I'll define things a little better in the future.


Thanks, all of you. I always appreciate feedback, as we all do. It makes every one of us better writers, I think - even if it's as simple as a compliment, the writer can at least have a gauge as to what he can be proud of, or in my case, what not to be so proud of.
Last edited by spike_8bkp at Sep 27, 2008,
#10
Its awesome to see you take things into your own account, it clearly shows how your not afraid to write in the way that you want to write. Thats the joy of your pieces, its very individual, more so than most writers on here.