#1
Well, every metal band has to have at least one really hardcore song on their album. This is that song. The verses are sung while the chorus is screamed. That's really all i have to say about this one. Hope you enjoy it. C4C. Just leave me a link and i'll get back to you.

Vs 1.
Whispers of a distant past
crawling in my veins.
Emotions that did not last
its not a one way train.

Equations have been left undone
written on the board.
Mistakes made by everyone
rotting from the core.

Chorus.
And for a moment
I seem to feel,
an unconscious pain
that seems so real.

It's hard to grasp
not hard to view,
the images
I have of you.

Vs 2.
Suddenly I realize
we're better off apart.
No tears come into my eyes
the pain escapes my heart.

The final flower's been picked away
browning in the stem.
Finding only one thing to say:
what a way to end.

Bridge. (more melodic and less intense, guitar is possibly clean)
Out of this place
I'm finally free.
Look at this face
full of irony.

No apology
will be spoken.
Who gives a shit
if your heart is broken?

Chorus.
And for a moment,
I seem to feel,
an unconscious pain
that seems so real

It's hard to grasp,
not hard to view,
the images
i have of you.

Repeat Vs 2. Music ends shortly after.
#2
some good images but over all i found it quite cliched.it flows well though
ಠ_ಠ
<|>
/ω\



Tell me what nation on this earth, was not born of tragedy-Primordial
#4
Quote by grevhead221
Well, every metal band has to have at least one really hardcore song on their album. This is that song. The verses are sung while the chorus is screamed. That's really all i have to say about this one. Hope you enjoy it. C4C. Just leave me a link and i'll get back to you.

Vs 1.
Whispers of a distant past
crawling in my veins.
Emotions that did not last
its not a one way train. Not a big fan of this opening. Very vague, and the last line, while imaginative, doesn't particularly make sense.

Equations have been left undone
written on the board.
Mistakes made by everyone
rotting from the core. Kind of odd to have your two analogies be math problems on a board and something rotting to the core. Just a jarring contrast of images, too scattered

Chorus.
And for a moment
I seem to feel,
an unconscious pain
that seems so real. I've probably read this chorus five times on UG this week. Nothing new here, and feel/real must be the #1 rhyme of the decade

It's hard to grasp
not hard to view,
the images
I have of you. ditto to above comments

Vs 2.
Suddenly I realize
we're better off apart.
No tears come into my eyes
the pain escapes my heart. A little better

The final flower's been picked away
browning in the stem.
Finding only one thing to say: Change to only to 'just'
what a way to end. A LOT better. By far the best verse in your piece, where was this imagination earlier?

Bridge. (more melodic and less intense, guitar is possibly clean)
Out of this place
I'm finally free.
Look at this face
full of irony. This line has one too many syllables. You could get around that by improving the flow by saying 'Look at this face/Face of irony'

No apology
will be spoken.
Who gives a shit
if your heart is broken? Really harsh, kind of stands out for that reason, but I can't decide if I like the boldness or if it is again is too jarring to fit in

Chorus.
And for a moment,
I seem to feel,
an unconscious pain
that seems so real

It's hard to grasp,
not hard to view,
the images
i have of you.

Repeat Vs 2. Music ends shortly after.



Definitely improved after the first chorus. I'd like to see a more consistent theme, more imaginative lines, a little better flow, and the chorus re-done entirely.

c4c appreciated, link to my newest 'Of Felons and Fathers' in my sig!