#1
Just a little love song I wrote. Can't quite decide the rhythm yet.

Affection can always hurt
I had never even had a first
Making ties that would last a day
Taking lies right to my face
Then you went and walked my way
My heart went to you and it's there to stay

I would give my life to make you life
I wish you were my better half
I love you but no one knows
Sweet, sweet distant Rose

If I seem desperate, I beg your pardon
I love you, Rose, like the Secret Garden
I finally get the strength to ask for your hand
Sweetest flower in all of the land
Ask the question and feel the hurt
The killer of my dreams got to you first

I would give my life to make you life
I wish you were my better half
I love you but no one knows
Sweet, sweet distant Rose

Will I ever be more than a friend
Will she ever see
That I'll be there for her till the end
Why can't it be
Me and her hand-in-hand
Why can't he
Just die

A few things to note:
1. I was feeling emo at the time I wrote this
2. It is very over-the-top
3. I know there are some problems, fire away ye critics.
#2
First off, IMO, I found this piece lacking some originality. And yes, it's emo. Very emo. But that's not always a bad thing. A rhyme scheme like this hardly ever works without coming off as forced or Dr. Seuss-like. My advice to you would be to not so much focus on rhyming, but focus more on unique word choice, better imagery, etc. Your song is about a very typical situation (guy not being noticed by girl he loves), but the way you write it doesn't have to be like every other poem/song out there about the same thing. With some work, this has the potential to be a pretty good piece, certainly. Just needs some revamping.

Some specifics:

Affection can always hurt
Hurt never a good word to use. Very generic and cliche.
I had never even had a first
First what? Leaves you hanging and makes the rhyme sounds forced because the phrase sounds chopped off.
Making ties that would last a day
Taking lies right to my face
Two very vague things that aren't elaborated on and don't add any sort of value to the song.
Then you went and walked my way
My heart went to you and it's there to stay
Very generic.


I would give my life to make you life
Not quite sure on what this means..... could be just me, though.
I wish you were my better half
I love you but no one knows
Sweet, sweet distant Rose
If it weren't for all the other rhymes, these two lines would be pretty nice and perfect for a chorus. But with the rest of it, it's just overwhelming.
If I seem desperate, I beg your pardon
I love you, Rose, like the Secret Garden
Way too obvious. You don't need to rhyme every single line.
I finally get the strength to ask for your hand
Sweetest flower in all of the land
Same as above.
Ask the question and feel the hurt
The killer of my dreams got to you first
These two lines in my opinion are the weakest in this piece. Just my opinion.

I would give my life to make you life
I wish you were my better half
I love you but no one knows
Sweet, sweet distant Rose

Will I ever be more than a friend
Will she ever see
That I'll be there for her till the end
Why can't it be
Me and her hand-in-hand
Why can't he
Just die
You bring in a mysterious dude we don't know about and go the very dramatic route of wishing him dead. A very interesting idea, but it seems random with the way you wrote it in.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#3
I actually made a typo...sorry:
would give my life to make you life
would give my life to make you laugh
#5
good use of feeling but there's a tone that is very cliched (i know i do it myself) but other than that flows very well and does what is supposed to happen, conveys feeling,

C4C? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=16426161#post16426161

my song is kinda similar subject ahahahahahahaha

neway nice one