#1
Looking at You

Sitting in class,
Too much time to pass.
I look your way
You look back.
Courage is what I lack
Another awkward moment I’d say

I quickly try to avert your gaze
But I’m lost in your eyes like a maze
I manage to look back at my sheet
For what felt like forever
Lasted mere seconds however
Just to speak with you would be a treat

My Eyes slowly creep your direction
Try to catch one more glimpse of your perfection
The sharp sound of another interrupts!
“Hey” the teacher yells
A quick reply with “What”
“What’s so important over there?”
“Nothing Ma’am” I mumble
You Giggle
I Sigh
A face full of red embarrassment erupts

Sitting in class,
Too much time to pass.
I look your way
You look back.
Oh how I wish I had something to say.


– James Haapsaari
^This post was probably sarcastic

GO LEAFS GO

Chief Executive Officer of Music Games of THE ULTIMATE-GUITAR GAMING FORCE
Last edited by James_Water2 at Sep 21, 2008,
#3
I don't know if I like "there's too much time to pass" after "sitting in class" it just sounds kinda awkward. In the second verse, do you mean avert instead of advert. I don't know about the last eight lines in the third verse, I like the first two lines, but the rest sounds like the crappy slam poetry you'd expect to hear at an open mic night. I'd just re-write "there's too much time to pass" just so there are a few less syllables and almost completely re-write the third verse, other than that it's alright.
#4
Quote by david_highland
I don't know if I like "there's too much time to pass" after "sitting in class" it just sounds kinda awkward. In the second verse, do you mean avert instead of advert. I don't know about the last eight lines in the third verse, I like the first two lines, but the rest sounds like the crappy slam poetry you'd expect to hear at an open mic night. I'd just re-write "there's too much time to pass" just so there are a few less syllables and almost completely re-write the third verse, other than that it's alright.


Thanks man!

I will work on it and try and maybe repost it in a week
^This post was probably sarcastic

GO LEAFS GO

Chief Executive Officer of Music Games of THE ULTIMATE-GUITAR GAMING FORCE
#5
the ryhming seems to forced class pass back lack these are common rhymes and it takes away from the flow of the song to me. the lyrics do tell a story and I like that but try not to let the rhyming ruin it remember not all songs have to rhyme

and if you want to crit mine the link is in the sig
#6
pretty good
When I buy my wife, at first she cook good, her vagine worked well, she strong on plow, but three years later when she was fifteen, she receive hair on her chest, her voice become deep, "BORAT, BORAT", and her vagine hang like sleeve of wizard
#7
Quote by doompers7491
pretty good


Thanks gor that indepth crit

I spent a good 20 miniutes on yours.
^This post was probably sarcastic

GO LEAFS GO

Chief Executive Officer of Music Games of THE ULTIMATE-GUITAR GAMING FORCE
#8
Sorry for taking so long to get back to you.

I agree that the rhyming is cliche and uninventive. Many rhymes felt lackluster. Experiment with your rhymes as far as placement.

"For what felt like forever
Lasted mere seconds however"

That doesn't read very well. Try something more like:

"However,
your precious gaze
locked with mine
forever intwined
as one"

Just as an example of what can be done. I remember reading an essay from Edgar Allan Poe about how foolish it is for us to assume that a rhyme must occur at the end of a line. Your flow will be less boxy, and gain wind beneath their wings, if you open yourself up to these possibilities.

Which brings up another point. Your diction is pretty straightforward, nothing really blew me away. This feels more like prose that imagination, where you're just chronologically hitting each occurance as if you were telling a friend.

Love has been done to death, but it's still ripe for harvest if done right. Experiment, go on a tangent, rant, forget about events that happened, think about what didn't happen. You'll find that there is much fun to be had.
Last edited by Ninjamonkey767 at Sep 22, 2008,
#9
Quote by Ninjamonkey767
Sorry for taking so long to get back to you.

I agree that the rhyming is cliche and uninventive. Many rhymes felt lackluster. Experiment with your rhymes as far as placement.

"For what felt like forever
Lasted mere seconds however"

That doesn't read very well. Try something more like:

"However,
your precious gaze
locked with mine
forever intwined as one"

Just as an example of what can be done. I remember reading an essay from Edgar Allan Poe about how foolish it is for us to assume that a rhyme must occur at the end of a line. Your flow will be less boxy, and gain wind beneath their wings.

Which brings up another point. Your diction is pretty straightforward, nothing really blew me away. This feels more like prose that imagination, where you're just chronologically hitting each occurance as if you were telling a friend.

Love has been done to death, but it's still ripe for harvest if done right. Experiment, go on a tengent, rant, forget about event that happened, think about what didn't happen. You'll find that here is much fun to be had.


I really appreciate this.. and if there is another piece you have that needs a crit let me know cause my other piece has gotten nothing so far. I will be able to crit it in about 3 hours. I am at school. You are really good at this and very honest.
^This post was probably sarcastic

GO LEAFS GO

Chief Executive Officer of Music Games of THE ULTIMATE-GUITAR GAMING FORCE
#10
Mate i really like these lyrics!!

They really are great!

In fact it sounds as if u and i have written songs about a similar things. Mines called "Lost For Words"

Im not trying to scav listens but i would appreciate it if u gave my song a listen cos i think they are about possibly the same things...... girls.....

Lost For Words

Again mate - great lyrics - they roll together superbly.
#11
Quote by James_Water2
I really appreciate this.. and if there is another piece you have that needs a crit let me know cause my other piece has gotten nothing so far. I will be able to crit it in about 3 hours. I am at school. You are really good at this and very honest.


Whatever you do, keep writing. Lots of people bring a collection of old songs for us to judge them by. I wrote over a hundred pieces before I came to UG, but it only took one crit to wipe them all away. So don't worry if your other piece hasn't gotten any: I gurantee your next piece will be better (and I haven't even read your other piece yet). Just keep evolving and keep writing.
#12
Quote by Slaveaway
Mate i really like these lyrics!!

They really are great!

In fact it sounds as if u and i have written songs about a similar things. Mines called "Lost For Words"

Im not trying to scav listens but i would appreciate it if u gave my song a listen cos i think they are about possibly the same things...... girls.....

Lost For Words

Again mate - great lyrics - they roll together superbly.


Thanks man!

I will look at it later seeing as how im at school and I can't really taek the time to analyze a song or poem right now.
^This post was probably sarcastic

GO LEAFS GO

Chief Executive Officer of Music Games of THE ULTIMATE-GUITAR GAMING FORCE