#1
Zack will hate this. and so will the rest. but that's what makes posting here fun.


warm rain

we drank
and caught our feet
naked on the stones of the night
keys jingled
soft against my palm
soft in my chest
i cut words
screamed warm rain
flowed rivers

"good morning
i have good heart"

she left her socks
she left her voice
deep under, i looked where
she left the light, tasted tangy
peeled it pulled it's hair

there was a door under my skin
and so i went in
blood flowed
warm rain screamed rivers
sun over ant mountains
casting shadow.
#3
i don't really like this to be honest. it's trying too hard and comes accross really forced and with a distinct lack of emotion. IMO. it needs more development of emotion and characters and themes. and more structure.
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#4
absolutely disagree. it is the epitome of unforced writing. flows wonderfully and just builds up a beautiful assortment of images, perhaps even a plethora of mindpictures that just sit there and ask you why you aren't growing a moustache.

"there was a door under my skin/and so i went in"

great stuff dylan.

my only concern: the ending. it's fine, but it certainly could be better. the imagery resolves the piece perfectly, but the flow - it feels as if it comes to an abrupt halt (and not in a kindly fashion). it could do with either another line to complete (preferably an eight syllable line) or for there to be a full stop after mountains and then maybe "casting a shadow". that would resolve it nicely.

i don't know, but it's great to see you posting pieces again dylan. hope your well etc.
#5
I agree... with tut post above me.
This was great. Great.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#6
I liked this considerably, especially for the ease of reading. It didn't feel like I was being forced to go a certain way, but rather naturally flowed through the piece. I always enjoy something that doesn't feel like work to read.

The only thing that kind of irked me was that the lack of punctuation could lead to possible problems. The line that stuck out most was the "peeled it pulled..." part. Maybe it was the similar words, but it made me momentarily stumble during an otherwise easy read. Maybe altering line breaks, or at least, keeping that in mind for the future would be good.

Overall, very good
#8
I kind of liked this. It read beautifully and your flow was just awe-inspiring... but thats it.
I agree with one of the posters here, a little bit anyway, concerning the over delicate way this was wrote and read. I'm trying to explain mysef here in a punctual and mannerly fashion, but its proving difficult, so bare with me please.
This is too perfect, I think the lack full stops, and such, is the only essense of reality I feel here. There's no grit and grime around the words, its just too perfect. I do thoroughly enjoy reading something as pretty as this, but I much prefer it when I have an interlinking sense of dirtyness afterwords, like as if I've just seen someone spill their guts out in love for someone, quite literally. I don't want them to place a bed of dafidills around true love's first day of being married, everything so soft and lushes and overly perfect. It has its place, but I think a piece should be determined by impact and harsh poundings, but done in a sensible and pristine fashion. This just read like you were trying to create the ultimate poem that read so fluidly and felt gorgeous, which makes it seem forced.
I know the theme you were talking about is a very touch and brash topic, but it just lacked one or two lines of punch; thats all I wanted: What you have wrote already... just with more bite and bitterness. It just feels unfinshed, like you were holding something back, tainted by artistic decor and shine. Bring the darkness!

With that all said, this is still a truly wonderful piece of writing, just not my cup of tea. Then again, my opinion may change with more reading!

Digitally Clean
#9
Quote by jallas
i don't really like this to be honest. it's trying too hard and comes accross really forced and with a distinct lack of emotion. IMO. it needs more development of emotion and characters and themes. and more structure.


<3333 Alice. <3

and I completely agree.

thank you all for checking this out and I'll do my best to return, this wasnt meant to be a poem so much as a journal entry (whatever that means )

I'll be back with something better next time.
#10
The first stanza is messy in delivery.

Rest is good. Wish the first was just as.

I really, really like the 3rd stanza.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#11
Maybe I'm buzzkillington, but I didn't dig this piece, though there were points of enjoyment. It definitly had great flow, but it came at a sacrifice of a pointed thought, which, being a journal entry, can be as rambling as you want. But there were plenty of lovely images in here that I wanted to mean something, and they just didn't. Much of it felt random, like "flowed rivers" and "tasted tangy". At the same time though, those two lines, as well as much of the piece, came across so freely. Maybe you had an elaborate idea in your head. And if you do, I sure as hell want to hear it. But I just didn't get anything from this, except for "well that's cute".
#12
May as well come back since you delved into mine so well.


For once, I genuinely loved your staccato delivery style. However, the content itself was contrived. This is one of few pieces where I genuinely can tell you weren't letting yourself into the piece. Like writing about what Rocky was thinking at the end of Rocky II, but with never having met him or even watched the fight. Stanza 4 was the worst for me... that whole thing stank of over-developed imagery for underdeveloped sentiments.

That's really all I've got, no use critiquing your techniques... you know what you are doing better than I.

#14
i didn't hate this.
you've got such originality about you, and you apply it so well in your work. i will agree with some of the other posters here, about the lack of something. it wasn't the emotion, i believe it radiates with it. what i'm thinking here is....maybe the emotional involvement with the reader. i can read it all day and "oooooh and ahhhh" at the beautiful imagery and how content your heart seemed to be as the words move along(which is what i've been doing for the past couple of days), but in the end i feel too disconnected to find any friction in relatability.
your work is very hard to criticize, so i'm hoping i made any sense here.
and thanks Xamillion for the comments you've left on my recent pieces.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#15
hey, I really liked this piece!
after a first time read i didn't really like the first stanza. I thought it was a bit vague. Just didn't feel it.... I liked the flow the second stanza had, I thought it was all neat and nice but still lacking in something... The last stanza, was actually amazing... I loved the flow of the first two lines... really beautiful... I loved the imagery used here... I can't describe how nice it was. It reminded slightly of death cab for cutie lyrics. don't know why After reading again I discovered I really liked the first verse and how everything led into one another. Although there was plenty of emotion I do think like some others that it lacks a little something. But on the whole it was an enjoyable read and I could read it again and again. Nice Job