#1
C4C! (leave link)


Another day in vain in the game no one won;
deal more cards, low the light, and come forget love.
It’s you who wants; it’s me who doesn’t want to see
that everything is so bigger in here.
There’s too much cold to bet on me.

See how the night can be as small as we are;
in this room, time is fear and makes us lone.
It’s you who wants; but I can only see
that time has already ran out.
There’s too much cold to feel myself, and
still, you want to stay…

You want to take everything that’s mine;
it’s everything I cannot leave.

Come; rip off this dusty rain’s darkness.
Come; so that the water can wash away my pain.
Come; so that not even the last to drop shall lose…
Last edited by seventh_angel at Sep 21, 2008,
#2
Quote by seventh_angel
C4C! (leave link)


Another day in vain in the game no one won;
deal more cards, low the light, and come forget love.
It’s you who wants; it’s me who doesn’t want to see
that everything is so bigger in here.
There’s too much cold to bet on me.

See how the night can be as small as we are;
in this room, time is fear and makes us lone.
It’s you who wants; but I can only see
that time has already ran out.
There’s too much cold to feel myself, and
still, you want to stay…

You want to take everything that’s mine;
it’s everything I cannot leave.

Come; rip off this dusty rain’s darkness.
Come; so that the water can wash away my pain.
Come; so that not even the last to drop shall lose…


I want to say "I lost the Game"

I will be back, Tomorrow after school.
^This post was probably sarcastic

GO LEAFS GO

Chief Executive Officer of Music Games of THE ULTIMATE-GUITAR GAMING FORCE
#3
Quote by seventh_angel
C4C! (leave link)


Another day in vain in the game no one won;
deal more cards, low the light, and come forget love.
It’s you who wants; it’s me who doesn’t want to see
that everything is so bigger in here.
There’s too much cold to bet on me.

First line comes of as horribly boring and a bit cheesy. "Come forget love" reads awkwardly. The next few lines are shaky. The message is there, if strangely put together, but it feels hatched too fast.


See how the night can be as small as we are;
in this room, time is fear and makes us lone.
It’s you who wants; but I can only see
that time has already ran out.
There’s too much cold to feel myself, and
still, you want to stay…

Your first four lines are full of filler, I think you could've gotten the meat of your point across in two. The second to last line is self-indulgent and whiny, like some sorry scribble in an emo kid's notebook, and not the creative one.

You want to take everything that’s mine;
it’s everything I cannot leave.

More awkward phrasing. At this point I'm beginning to think it may just be personal preference, but I like to read lines in smooth natural flows, as if talking, not with quasi-Shakespearean word flips.


Come; rip off this dusty rain’s darkness.
Come; so that the water can wash away my pain.
Come; so that not even the last to drop shall lose…

I like the idea of dusty rain. Cool imagery there. Second line is cringe-worthy. Wash away my pain sounds like something even Hawthorne Heights would call a pisstake and rewrite.



I ripped this up pretty good, no doubt, but it wasn't all bad, there were touches of goodness, I just focused quite heavily on the negative. That being said, I still did not like this very much at all. I've read some of your other work, and I certainly think you're a better writer than this. Anyway, maybe a pisstake, or maybe I'm a brash dick who has no right to be criticizing anything since I obviously can't see the brilliance of this piece. Take it or leave it.

I'd appreciate if you could drop a comment or something on the piece in my sig, if you have the time.
#4
I liked the gambling theme you had in the first stanza, but then you lacked it throughout. Disappointing.

You say so little in the opening of stanza two. I also feel that this was already half-established in stanza one ("bigger") and could be easily fit in another one-line delivery, additional to the "bigger" line in stanza one.

Stanza three, I don't know. Clumsy idea/wording.

Stanza four would work had you any backing credit.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#5
NGD1313, I accept all critiques. This is certainly not the best I can do.

culex-knight, this isn't about gambling, at least not in a card game sense. It's about playing with life and love. I could explain its meaning but I'm too lazy to do so

Anyway, thank you for your comments.