#1
needed to get this out. c4c, ots, etc.

delaware.

met you for the first time gazing ideas
clutching your baedeker in the venetian sun

and there it was, a misty cloud of days blurred
into a rainbow of poppyfields and throbs of chest.
drifting, frothing and flowing (like rainstreams on roadsides
destined for the drain). but there was no time right now.
just the two of us vs. the whole wide world and every
javelin and trident it could hurl in the rain.

and then one night in a diner off route 42,
lightening outside shattering thieves and
the moon staring down at us like tiny ants:
i was insignificant to you (electric blue in a deep
red that shrouded your right mind)

but i was pretty ****ed up on drugs back then,
not to mention the stiffened puke that sat crackling
on my collar and the piss-stained pants i used to wear
what could i do. how was i to know that i was in (love
with) you? no. that was all. i walked out, jangling
the keys in my hand. unlocked, hopped in.

pressed down the clutch, touched the accelerator
and she pulled, tugged onto the road
passing pastures and sinking stars,
earth, dirt and mountains, hot sand by the roadside.
i was my own elevator, a river trickling streams
into the mediterranean slowing only for
food and rest in any old motel i could find.
i was the man who drove to delaware.
(and i left my heart behind).
Last edited by skagitup at Sep 23, 2008,
#2
Interesting current here, starting off with an easy to swallow image, then diving straight into the heavier stuff, to be pulled out again for two stanzas then dunked right back in to finish. As far as the opening is concerned, good call making it so accessible, though gazing ideas is a little too light on significance. Doesn't really bring anything to my mind except the action of thinking (and in that case it's trying to hard to be more than it really is), or if it's something else it's wasted with lack of context.

The second stanza was a bit much to swallow, especially after that opening. I initially just skimmed, letting some of the imagery wash over me, until I got to the third stanza. It's not that it stretched the mind too far, but the way it's presented makes it read like one big glob, instead of separating out the different parts. It will be something I will have to return to many more times before it becomes easy to take it all in - either that or read one part at a time and take a break. I'm on edge with the vs. At the moment it does the piece good, providing a bit of a break, but if you change it around to have more breaks - as I think you should - it would read better as the full versus.

lightening outside shattering thieves

That was a purely excellent image. The third stanza was solid and enjoyable, the only thing I disliked was the first insignificant. First off, if you're considering making this into a song (and idea I would fully support) or if it is a song already, you see the problem with that would create syllable-wise and itbeinganuglyword-wise. Second, it makes the 'ants' analogy much, much more cliche than it has to be, though I didn't like that at all either. My suggestion: find a new analogy. The fourth and fifth stanzas I fully loved; "passing pastures and sinking stars/earth dirt and mountains, hot sand by the roadside" was beautiful, as was the ending.

Yes I am nitpicking, No I'm not ashamed, Yes this was awesome, No I don't have anything new out I want a return crit on, and Yes please post more pieces soon.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
Last edited by Billyjson at Sep 21, 2008,
#3
cheers jake. really appreciated the response. you pointed out a couple of things that are very necessary in order to give this the flow that it should rightly have. this is about my girlfriend being a ****ing ****.
#4
well, i have to say that i definitely think this is the rawest piece i've ever read from you.
it just...screams what it has to say, no room to beat around the bush any.

i'm not going to crit this on the basis that i believe you were fully aware of what you were writing and how you wanted it to sound, which may sound shitty; but i think you're past that, Spiderman.

i'm still reading, and won't be stopping anytime soon.
- octavius.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#6
I can't crit this.

See the above two comments..

Amazing.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#7
I liked it, apart from the brackets.
They seemed really unnecessary, and just there to seem poetic.
The content within them is good, I just see no reason for the brackets.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#8
Quote by Snowblind 911
I liked it, apart from the brackets.
They seemed really unnecessary, and just there to seem poetic.
The content within them is good, I just see no reason for the brackets.

Maybe they're necessary to the writer?
I dunno.

I really liked this piece though. You seem to be a great poet.

but i was pretty ****ed up on drugsback then,
not to mention the stiffened puke that sat crackling
on my collar and the piss-stained pants i used to wear
what could i do. how was i to know that i was in (love
with) you? no. that was all. i walked out, jangling
the keys in my hand. unlocked, hopped in.


This is my favorite stanza. I actually liked the parentheses; I think you used them in a way that works. The general bluntness of this piece sets it apart from others, and I think that's the way to impress people... Even if you're just pouring your thoughts out.

Good show.

EDIT:
Almost forgot...

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=963798
ok, yeah. my name is silly because I signed up when I was 13.

BEDBUGS
Last edited by ratmblink123 at Sep 23, 2008,
#11
I hope you don't mind, but I've printed this out and tacked it on my bulletin board with my favourite poems. I lovelovelove this. There's so much emotion and so much skill. I don't even feel that I need to critique it at all and I know you're satisfied with it too. Beautiful work.
Drop another coin in the slot, and I will tell you more...
#12
@zach, yeah, I got that, it was an obvious play. it just felt tacky, in a piece full of a lot of deep emotional content, it was gimmicky and added little, i felt.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#13
The first three stanzas reminded me a lot of the tone of The Martian Chronicles (and honestly all his books... and since he's one of my favorite writers, well done). So I was a bit sad when it built speed in a way which I didn't see as fitting. Then again, if I read the last two without the first few... I think they're great.

Well done (yeah, this isn't much of a crit).
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!