#1
most of the salt from the silver
in her eye has gone vanished on us. All
the tigers in the world would melt
into butter if they found us out, but I've
got hope she's not like the Girl from Ipanema.
One for the autumn, not so much bossanova, but
the way she moves fits the leaves, not
watching me so happily. I've got something
in my gut that says I still love her, and
she still loves me, but all I want to do is
throw up tonight.

So we've got insonmia, or a cure
for a sleep. Antidote me, or something.
heavens to betsy, that's not her name,
growing up and away, moving
to april where she'll stay eighteen
forever. She keeps crying over her neice,
she'll always be a baby in her sister's
stomach, in some alternate world
where everyone's happy, I think I'd
fit in pretty well.
I'd look up at the sky and that
would be it. All I'd have to do, is look up.
Look up.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#2
i very much enjoyed the incidental song references,
Norwegian Wood, Girl from Ipanema,
and even they weren't intentional:
Antidote and Eighteen Forever.

oh, and the tiger into butter. :]

the line breaks are quirky,
but they do little harm.
the tone and pace are comfortable.

gone vanished on us is an odd, but pleasant expression.
niece is misspelled.
i prefer belly to stomach, but that's a personal idiosyncrasy.
the three repetitions of look up were effective.

the length is just right.
enough said, without overload.
an easy to digest slice.

thanks for sharing.
Meadows
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#3
It moves at a pretty brisk pace. I noticed alot of parallel rhythms, where one line foreshadows the pace and emphasis of the next, which might be why it moved so quickly. In fact, that might be the only reason your line breaks existed. I only saw one point where the line breaks helped a good deal. The rest were varying degrees of damage, though never out of control (the worst being "all" at the beginning). Overall, a good read.
#4
You are always just what I need.

I mean this in the humblest of respects.

Publish this shit so I can buy it already.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching