#1
getting 57 in advanced functions
getting 48 in physics
chem teacher hates me don't know why
and i'm cutting myself in woodshop baby

**** this life
cuz life ****in sucks
**** this school
with a big fat ****

colleges won't accept me
all i can get into is kinesiology
what the **** am i doing
i swear im ****ing studying

getting 36 in english
getting 25 in biology
haven't even bothered showing up
to calculus and vectors baby

**** this life
cuz life ****in sucks
**** this school
with a big fat ****

english is my first language
why the **** are immigrants beating me
i know proper grammar
give me a break you mother****ing fudgepackers

i've still got my girlfriend
shes 15 but at least she gives me head
i like sucking on her titties
but her pussy smells like piss and sweat

**** today's her birthday
i haven't got her ****ing jackshit
well her gift to me was shitty
guess i'll just get her a ****in dick in a box

**** this life
cuz life ****in sucks
**** this bitch
with my big fat ****

**** this bitch
with my big fat ****
yeah

#2
yeah not gonna lie, this sucks.

Profanity does not equal win. Sorry. Epic Fail.
Quote by 40oz2freeedom
just ask her to touch her toes naked....shell never expect whats next
#4
That was total shit, sorry.

Grow up a bit?
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#5
This was life shattering. Your diction is average and your flow is haphazard, but I've never felt such a wave of emotion from a piece before. Everything that's wrong with your life just washed over me like the salty tide of your teenage discontent. And don't think I didn't notice the subtle lines slipped in ever so cleverly displaying all that's wrong with society today such as foreigners, fudgepackers, the inadequacy of teenage sex, and the emo subculture. If I've ever seen more brilliant writing, I can't say I remember it. You are a dinosaur among two legged creatures. Don't ever stop writing.
Last edited by NGD1313 at Sep 21, 2008,
#6
Quote by NGD1313
This was life shattering. Your diction is average and your flow is haphazard, but I've never felt such a wave of emotion from a piece before. Everything that's wrong with your life just washed over me like the salty tide of your teenage discontent. And don't think I didn't notice the subtle lines slipped in ever so cleverly displaying the all that's wrong with society today such as foreigners, fudgepackers, the inadequacy of teenage sex, and the emo subculture. If I've ever seen more brilliant writing, I can't say I remember it. You are a dinosaur among two legged creatures. Don't ever stop writing.

THANK YOU! You get it. I try to make my writing is very deep, and you caught many of the undertones I incorporated into my piece. Congratulations and thanks for taking the time to appreciate it. You also pointed out something important; this piece isn't about fancy diction or flow, it's about conveying a blanketing wave of sheer raw emotion.
#7
wow those were the worst song lyrics i've ever read.

as much as it hurts to say this.
the lyrics to crank that by soulja boy are better..

sounds like some emo kid is mad because he sucks at school lol.
just drop out.
isn't like you have a chance with a normal career and definatley nothing music-related..

so your only option is mcdonalds.
#8
Im sorry I would gladly critique it but all I see is ***** today *** in ***** Wood shop baby.

Intelligent writers avoid swears.
Swears avoid intelligent writers.
^This post was probably sarcastic

GO LEAFS GO

Chief Executive Officer of Music Games of THE ULTIMATE-GUITAR GAMING FORCE
#9
I didn't like the lyrics. Use swearing like salt, don't overpower your message. The legitimacy of the piece is jeopardized by its whopping 23 bleeps.

As far as the "deeper" stuff goes, I was not emotionally connected to it at all. It's fine to use a basic topic as the forefront, whilst using that scene to set these undertones, but that is not what occured. The second two lines in the girlfriend bit add nothing, and jack up uneccessary vulgarity. You've done nothing to describe what is negative about "fudgepackers", and you've even connected them to immigrants. And the attempt to connect grammer to the immigrants doesn't conjure up much of my emotions. And even if the decent lines in there were kept, you have four lines.

I didn't come into this thread to jump on the bandwagon. I came here to give my honest advice, and reasons as to why I came to that conclusion.
#10
Quote by James_Water2
Im sorry I would gladly critique it but all I see is ***** today *** in ***** Wood shop baby.

Intelligent writers avoid swears.
Swears avoid intelligent writers.


You've obviously never read Bukowski.
#11
Quote by NGD1313
This was life shattering. Your diction is average and your flow is haphazard, but I've never felt such a wave of emotion from a piece before. Everything that's wrong with your life just washed over me like the salty tide of your teenage discontent. And don't think I didn't notice the subtle lines slipped in ever so cleverly displaying all that's wrong with society today such as foreigners, fudgepackers, the inadequacy of teenage sex, and the emo subculture. If I've ever seen more brilliant writing, I can't say I remember it. You are a dinosaur among two legged creatures. Don't ever stop writing.

Banging on a trash can
Drumming on a street light
#12
absolutely stunning.

Your portrayal of your ongoing struggle to exist in a world that doesn't understand your struggle actually moved me to tears.
The way you showed us that even though you have full access to education,--something most people in the world would kill for--it means shit to you, was.... I mean, Wow. Raw power.

Seriously, maybe you should write a follow up about how much it sucks to have a long life expectancy, good medical resources, and food on the table?
It'd be seriously inspiring.
I owe a ton of people critiques.

If you're one of them, please PM me.

I have trouble keeping track.
#13
Quote by Leonheart
I haven't laughed this hard at anything all day.

I love this. 10/10


Thank you!

Quote by Fly, Marlowe
absolutely stunning.

Your portrayal of your ongoing struggle to exist in a world that doesn't understand your struggle actually moved me to tears.
The way you showed us that even though you have full access to education,--something most people in the world would kill for--it means shit to you, was.... I mean, Wow. Raw power.

Seriously, maybe you should write a follow up about how much it sucks to have a long life expectancy, good medical resources, and food on the table?
It'd be seriously inspiring.


Thanks a lot, yes, that's what I was going for. I am indeed planning to write a sequel to this piece now about even how I have a long life expectancy, good medical resources, and food on the table, in many ways my life still sucks compared to people in Africa.
#15
Quote by NGD1313
You've obviously never read Bukowski.


Obviously

I feel the "OVER" use of swears is primative and immature and the point can be delivered in a less crude form. Note i highlighted the word over.
^This post was probably sarcastic

GO LEAFS GO

Chief Executive Officer of Music Games of THE ULTIMATE-GUITAR GAMING FORCE
#16
Quote by James_Water2
Obviously

I feel the "OVER" use of swears is primative and immature and the point can be delivered in a less crude form. Note i highlighted the word over.


My thoughts exactly. Swearing can be used effectively. But it wasn't. Whatever subtexts the writer has put in here are overpowered by the unpleasantness of the entire piece.
#18
Quote by NGD1313
You've obviously never read Bukowski.
apparently neither have you, because i keep a copy of Love is a Dog from Hell with me everywhere i go.

this is shit from the diaper of a 15 year old who learned some four letter words.
woo hoo.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#19
Quote by Eccer
Successful troll is successful ?


LOLXDPLUS1OMG

Anyway. First read, I was thinking "what the ****??!11?1eleventyone!" and then I kept reading over and over and I was like "homg, this is epic". I think maybe tone down the swearing just a BIT, and get around the censors so we can see the actual, exact words, which will help the desired effect.

Overall, you're a genius.
#20
Quote by mingus
THANK YOU! You get it. I try to make my writing is very deep, and you caught many of the undertones I incorporated into my piece. Congratulations and thanks for taking the time to appreciate it. You also pointed out something important; this piece isn't about fancy diction or flow, it's about conveying a blanketing wave of sheer raw emotion.


Hate to break it to you, but he was being sarcastic.

These lyrics are ridiculously bad.
Quote by primusucks
"i am so proud that by chance i am living in a place that during a territorial divide it got the largest mass of land."

hey texas, nobody cares.
#21
Quote by Sherman901
Hate to break it to you, but he was being sarcastic.

These lyrics are ridiculously bad.


Some people are just flat out stupid.
^This post was probably sarcastic

GO LEAFS GO

Chief Executive Officer of Music Games of THE ULTIMATE-GUITAR GAMING FORCE
#23
Quote by James_Water2
Some people are just flat out stupid.

Yes, and those people are the ones who can't see this is an obvious troll job.
Banging on a trash can
Drumming on a street light
#24
^well then, why don't we just keep spamming the thread talking about how stupid everyone is for trying to take this forum seriously?

honestly, there's a community thread for this.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#26
i thought this was condescendingly didactic at times. the plethora of vulgar colloquialisms tended to transcend the piece itself, which i thought was a delicate if not overly visceral perpetuation of axioms and a ripely objective portrayal of 21st century pubescent suburbia (and the grips and gripes that go along with it). the final stanza/verse was pretty redundant - the repetition does nothing but highlight the narrators desperation further, a consequence not as rewarding as it is irritating. if anything, your acerbic flame is already pushing superfluous as early as the second stanza/verse.

this worked on so many levels.
#27
^^^I agree with what he said

Vivamus mea Lesbia, atque amemus,
rumoresque senum seueriorum
omnes unius aestimemus assis!