#1
Started in the lyric game, but turned into something alot bigger.

At this point, I'm a little worried
I walked for miles, through the woods
turned and looked
and didn't know where I came from.
I turned back
forward, but
lost where I was going.
Grandpa said the woods would be tricky.
What do they see in me?

The further I go
the more I wonder
What am I doing here?
There's nothing wrong with finding yourself
but enough is enough.
I've tried so many different ways
I lost the one I started on.
There's no smoke to shoot for,
no river to follow.
No second to borrow
a canteen swig of familiar air.
Just the deepest canopy
of inflicted solitude.

Though each link in the chain
has its own little flaws,
their own little agendas,
they still touch base
to the first.
Each day
somehow like the last.
Each step
already taken.
Is the fire worth the wood?
or should I take that stake
cram it into the chain
and take the future back?

'til then, I'll leave her picture
in a cobweb in the corner
hovering by my cot.
And by my desk
lay the shirt with
Mariahs perfume rubbed on.
I wanted to know her better.
Last edited by Ninjamonkey767 at Sep 21, 2008,
#2
Quote by Ninjamonkey767
Started in the lyric game, but turned into something alot bigger.

At this point, I'm a little worried
I walked for miles, through the woods
turned and looked
and didn't know where I came from.
I turned back
forward, but
lost where I was going.
Grandpa said the woods would be tricky.
What do they see in me?

This Stanza is really boring to me and I really like the part the way it ends on a question. It started off strong then the middle lacked something for me


The further I go
the more I wonder
What am I doing here?
There's nothing wrong with finding yourself
but enough is enough.
I've tried so many different ways
I lost the one I started on.
There's no smoke to shoot for,
no river to follow.
No second to borrow
a canteen swig of familiar air.
Just the deepest canopy
of inflicted solitude.

This stanza is really neat cause it asks a question at the begining and the proceding lines answer it. I also like the words "canopy, solitude, and lost"


Though each link in the chain
has its own little flaws,
their own little agendas,
they still touch base
to the first.
Each day
somehow like the last.
Each step
already taken.
Is the fire worth the wood?
or should I take that stake
cram it into the chain
and take the future back?

This part really confused me. I guess I did not get what you were trying to say but it was worded beautifully. I ain't that deep lol. Once agian... Questions = Thumbs Up from me!


'til then, I'll leave her picture
in a cobweb in the corner
hovering by my cot.
And by my desk
lay the shirt with
Mariahs perfume rubbed on.
I wanted to know her better.

This section blew my mind and made me go WTF at the same time. I loved how it sounded and its meaning but I just don't get how it ties in.


So yeah... the bolded words are mine. I hope you can find some time to look over my poem

Another December Morning

Looking At You
^This post was probably sarcastic

GO LEAFS GO

Chief Executive Officer of Music Games of THE ULTIMATE-GUITAR GAMING FORCE
Last edited by James_Water2 at Sep 22, 2008,
#3
The only stanza I felt was really solid was the last one.

I think I see the ideas you want to portray in the others, but it just seems so messy. Difficult to follow, you know what I mean?
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#4
Quote by culex-knight
The only stanza I felt was really solid was the last one.

I think I see the ideas you want to portray in the others, but it just seems so messy. Difficult to follow, you know what I mean?


That's very important to me. Not neccessarily difficult to follow, but off balance. Part of it is the analogy to the woods. I've been lost in the woods before, and you can't tell which way is which at all. So I wanted to use that as a way to show the confusion that the character has.
#5
Oh, I like that idea. Not sure I can see it in the poem. It may just be me.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#6
Started in the lyric game, but turned into something alot bigger.

At this point, I'm a little worried
I walked for miles, through the woods
turned and looked
and didn't know where I came from.
I turned back
forward, but
lost where I was going.
Grandpa said the woods would be tricky.
What do they see in me?

OK, this first stanza wasn't really too catchy. The first line needs some rewording because 'At this point' doesn't give any emotion like the second half...maybe something like this

"I'm a little worried now at my point" meh, just a suggestion....Up to you. Flow wise, get rid of the comma in the second line and adding the perfect tense (I think) saying 'Having turned and looked' in the third line as well as changing the forth line saying 'not knowing where I came from'....Again, these are just suggestions.....

The rest to me seems fine...but the idea behind it kinda feels awkward


The further I go
the more I wonder
What am I doing here?
There's nothing wrong with finding yourself
but enough is enough.
I've tried so many different ways
I lost the one I started on.
There's no smoke to shoot for,
no river to follow.
No second to borrow
a canteen swig of familiar air.
Just the deepest canopy
of inflicted solitude.

I'm getting the tone from this piece, but I'm just not quite feeling the emotion from being lost in the woods idea....The flow picks up here...

Though each link in the chain
has its own little flaws,
their own little agendas,
they still touch base
to the first.
Each day
somehow like the last.
Each step
already taken.
Is the fire worth the wood?
or should I take that stake
cram it into the chain
and take the future back?

How did we go from the 'just the deepest canopy of inflicted solitude' to 'though each link in its chain has it own little flaws'? I don't see anything there for a smooth transition for any kind of metaphor....And I'm still trying to wonder how this related to the last stanza...which I can slightly decipher between the two, but there's not much there

'til then, I'll leave her picture
in a cobweb in the corner
hovering by my cot.
And by my desk
lay the shirt with
Mariahs perfume rubbed on.
I wanted to know her better.

I like in relation with the last stanza



It felt like it went into two different topics here....You said it came from the lyric game so I can kinda see why...There were some parts that I talked about and that's pretty much it....So really I kinda liked it and kinda didn't like 50/50...There's a lot of potential in this if you could mingle the two topics together better and work on the flow in the beginning....
Vivamus mea Lesbia, atque amemus,
rumoresque senum seueriorum
omnes unius aestimemus assis!
#7
^

It's one subject. It's about how I've been wandering around, not really growing, not being decisive, just letting the days go by. Metaphorically, I can see a complaint with the transfer in the middle, but I didn't think too much of it. This is a very personal song to me, so it might not transmit the same thoughts to you.
#8
This, to me, is two separate pieces jammed together... so I'm going to treat it as such.

The first two stanzas:

They could be cut down. You could say all of that, solidly, in 4 maybe 5 lines. There is soo much filler. So much that just shoots the reader and says, I don't give a shit whether you get it or not. Random phrases tacked in like "what do they see in me?" and stuff... we don't get it... you haven't given us enough to get it... and it really harms your credibility as the author.


Third and fourth:

much preffered these. Fourth was really tangible, I liked it. Probably the only stanza I wouldn't go through and re-write. You just have too much filler... too many lines that don't strike me. That just sit on the page as transfers between ideas. In a piece like this, everyline needs to hit. Having entire lines devoted to jumping between ideas means that there are entire lines where I don't care if I'm reading this piece anymore. You need to work on making your transfers and what not interesting. Go through, cut this down, weed out the bullshit, and when you finish, you'll have something wiht a bit of kick that will be worth a re-read.

Thanks for getting to mine.
#9
Zach, thanks a billion. I wish the first half of the piece was more decisive and less filler, as it describes how I feel about my life. But moreso, I wish that it meshed with the second half better. I'll work on an edit with less filler in it.