#1
c4c


Dear God,

hey its me... again.
I know I seem to always show up
when shit is hitting the fan;
but, that's mostly your fault.
you made me the self-righteous asshole
that thinks he can do it all himself.
Don't look at me, man

Also,
you're a bit of a fuck up for creating estrogen, mate.
makes her crazy and bitchy which makes me
crazy and bitchy and impatient.
Anyways,
she says she's bored with me. I've
become too routine. Hell,
I can't even get her to put out anymore.
Something about emotional connections being needed
for her to want to take part in sexuals.
I just want to plug her hole, again.
If you could sorta, intervene;
I'd appreciate it muchly.
I've put everything into that girl.

I just want it all to work out,
and since it isn't... I thought maybe
you might do that voodoo that you do.
If not, you'll just be the same God I quit praying to
a long time ago.

So... yeah.

Thanks God,

Zach
#2
Right from the get-go, I knew you were doing something different. But I think that mood was toned down by the swearing. I can understand someone being upset with god, even in prayer, but it seems out of character for someone in this persons position to cuss good out DURING a prayer. Maybe I'm wrong on that, but every time I read this, it detracts from what everything else is doing.
Second and third stanzas were great. I'm kinda getting a mixture of personalities here, one thats against god and one thats dependant on him, which probably makes the piece what it is. It's still a little bit much to swallow, but not bad at all.
I enjoyed the conversational style that was used here.
"hey its me... again."
"Anyways"
"If you could sorta, intervene"
"I thought you might... do that voodoo that you do"
Their delivery just fit the piece so well, so freely flowing.

So overall, I definitly enjoyed it. Piece be in my sig.
Last edited by Ninjamonkey767 at Sep 21, 2008,
#3
you made me the self-righteous asshole
that thinks he can do it all himself.


i feel like that.



she says she's bored with me. I've
become too routine


that's my destiny

I've put everything into that girl:
love
trust
loyalty
my penis.




nice.
Quote by Vagabond21
Ewww the searchbar is a slut, it gets used everyday...

Quote by tremeloud

The brain says "hey, lets be friends" and the dick says "hey, lets get those clothes off, eh?"

Quote by Nilpferdkoenig
Yeaaaaaah, Huuuuuhuuuu, Saaaaaaah and MASTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOR are all Hetfield memes.
#4
Quote by ZanasCross
c4c


Dear God,

hey its me... again.
I know I seem to always show up
when shit is hitting the fan (and the fan's
on turbo-ultra-killer mode)
but, that's mostly your fault.
you made me the self-righteous asshole
that thinks he can do it all himself.
Don't look at me.
When you wrote "turbo-ultra-killer mode" I got quite the chuckle. The way its written (like a conversation) struck a chord with me.

Seems estrogen is getting the best of her again;
you're a bit of a fuck up for creating estrogen, mate.
makes her crazy and bitchy which makes me
crazy and bitchy and impatient.
These 4 lines are very good uses of repition with out me even noticing the first two times around. I love repitition and if thats not what yuo were going for too bad. just kidding
Anyways,
she says she's bored with me. I've
become too routine. Hell,
I can't even get her to put out anymore.
Something about emotional connections being needed
for her to want to take part in sexuals.
Is sexuals a word? does not matter. It is really nice how this relates back to the asshole statement in the opening.
I just want to plug her hole, again.
If you could sorta, intervene;
I'd appreciate it muchly.
I've put everything into that girl:
love
trust
loyalty
my penis.
This part had me laughing and in awe. Your writing is phenomenal.

I just want it all to work out,
and since it isn't... I thought maybe you might
do that voodoo that you do.
If not, you'll just be the same God I quit praying to
a long time ago.
This last part is genius and I really don't understand how you breakup you lines (new poet .

So... yeah.

Thanks God,

Zach


All in all the piece was terrific it was fun to read and it kind of had some comic relief to me. I loved the ending how it waskinda like a letter ending or maybe like saying good bye to someone

If you found my nooby crit (I am working on my critiques!) please take a look at mine

They are posted in my sig. Pick one .... any one.... or both.

Ps. Preferably Another December Morning.
^This post was probably sarcastic

GO LEAFS GO

Chief Executive Officer of Music Games of THE ULTIMATE-GUITAR GAMING FORCE
#5
Quote by Ninjamonkey767
Right from the get-go, I knew you were doing something different. But I think that mood was toned down by the swearing. I can understand someone being upset with god, even in prayer, but it seems out of character for someone in this persons position to cuss good out DURING a prayer. Maybe I'm wrong on that, but every time I read this, it detracts from what everything else is doing.



For me, the swearing is sort of what sets the mood. Its supposed to give off that ambivalent feeling.... to set the place of the narrator with respect to God. Try reading it without the swearing and see if you get the same tone. For me (I originally didn't have it in there), it didn't have the same flare. So I added it in to sort of put a personalized stamp. I also added it in because I have sworn at God before... I've sworn in prayers, I've said fuck in a prayer... so it has a relation to me as well.

I greatly appreciate the input guys. Glad you've enjoyed it so far. I'm fairly proud of this one.
#6
I think we've all written this letter before.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#7
Quote by ZanasCross
For me, the swearing is sort of what sets the mood. Its supposed to give off that ambivalent feeling.... to set the place of the narrator with respect to God. Try reading it without the swearing and see if you get the same tone. For me (I originally didn't have it in there), it didn't have the same flare. So I added it in to sort of put a personalized stamp. I also added it in because I have sworn at God before... I've sworn in prayers, I've said fuck in a prayer... so it has a relation to me as well.

I greatly appreciate the input guys. Glad you've enjoyed it so far. I'm fairly proud of this one.


They've grown on me a bit, but it just really threw me off. It's not too bad though.
#8
i know everytime i comment on your pieces i say "this is my favorite from you" and although i have liked pretty much everything i have read from you, this is the most relatable. therefore making it my true favorite.
ya know how you said to me you read "all dressed up for church on colombine" at least once a week. well i can see myself doing that with this piece. i just feel like you just said everything to god that i never had the balls to.
#9
Get rid of my penis; it's already been said and implied and now sounds stupid. I think you need a new kicker there, that list shouts filler.

The rest was awesome.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#10
Quote by ZanasCross
c4c


Dear God,

hey its me... again.
I know I seem to always show up
when shit is hitting the fan (and the fan's
on turbo-ultra-killer mode)
i dont care how conversational the tone is, this last line is so out of place and absurd. it makes a mockery out of what you are going to say next. regardless of humor in a piece you always want it to be taken seriously and this past line will make it that much harder to do that. Unnecesary line too that broke your flow.
but, that's mostly your fault.
you made me the self-righteous asshole
that thinks he can do it all himself.
Don't look at me.
i kind of want a "man" after "dont look at me" I dunno. like the rest.

Seems estrogen is getting the best of her again;
this line is implied and this line is merely a set up for the rest of the stanza. start the stanza on the next line and it will be more engaging.
you're a bit of a fuck up for creating estrogen, mate.
makes her crazy and bitchy which makes me
crazy and bitchy and impatient.
Anyways,
she says she's bored with me. I've
become too routine. Hell,
I can't even get her to put out anymore.
Something about emotional connections being needed
for her to want to take part in sexuals.
tone works great here. almost a dramatic irony here as well, or at least an elephant in the room.
I just want to plug her hole, again.
eh, I think you could phrase this better, either softer or more despicable. this was too moderate to resonate cleary what I should get from it. at least for me.
If you could sorta, intervene;
I'd appreciate it muchly.
I've put everything into that girl:
stop the stanza here with a period, the rest is like something I would do and it's stupid.
love
trust
loyalty
my penis.

I just want it all to work out,
and since it isn't... I thought maybe you might
awkward line break
do that voodoo that you do.
I didnt like this last line here but i dont know what you'd put there instead.
If not, you'll just be the same God I quit praying to
a long time ago.

So... yeah.
cool.

Thanks God,

Zach


#12
Having read this for the millionth time, I've decided that the line in this piece that I don't like is

You're a bit of a **** up for creating estrogen, mate.


As a line, it was good... so I'm not sure why I didn't like it. I just didn't. Go justification. Before the edit it was too repetitive, afterwards it doesn't say it quite right.

I think it's that it goes in to the idea too quickly, the introduction before it was fine, but it was too up front a split from it. MSN me if I'm making no sense, I'll try to explain better

Other than that like though mate, you did good. The way I read it could be a Dan vs. Scroob song if it was longer. Compliments of the highest order.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#13
i've looked really deep into this, so bear with me bro.

i think the piece sort of defeats itself into the conflict of Man Vs. God, which almost makes this spiral out into a conundrum of sorts. i don't think you proposed any indication that this was indeed a victory for yourself for whatever personal reasons, but i saw it more as God actually having the upper hand in equation.

man, without direction at the moment, lashes out and tries to reason with the "creator."
gets mad when he thinks that he's talking to himself more than anything else.
and when he feels the finality of the argument coming on, he backs out, still talking to God, but believes that his words are more of a vocal chord vibration, absolving into the air; no divine ears listening in the first place.

i didn't like this. i heard it like it came from the mouth of an angsty, wannabe-atheist-but-too-scared-he-might-be-wrong-in-giving-up-God-just-yet 15 year-old. it just sounded way too immature to hold steady and create some sort of validity among the quite mature points you were shooting for.
sorry if i came off harsh man.
i figured you'd want an honest crit more than anything else.
btw, thank you very much for the words on my pieces.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#14
i think calling God a prick rather than a fuck up for the estrogen, would be more on-target.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#15
I dig it. It makes God seem like a bad parent and somewhat humanizes Him; at the same time, it shows how much "control" He really has and that you secretly depend on Him to have your back when, as you say, "sh*t hits the fan".

Maybe somewhere in there add in "keep this up and i'll become an atheist". i think it'd be funny and at the same time, relevant. You seem to be negotiating more than praying, per se...and I think that giving God an ultimatum would be apropriate.

I'd also revise "don't look at me, man" to "dont look down at me, man". I think it just seems better that way with the whole Man vs. God theme. I agree with SomeOneYouKnew that "prick" is better than "f*ck up". Cause they say that "God" is perfect and doesn't make mistakes. He didn't "f*ck up" when He created estrogen...He was just a "prick" and wanted to make you miserable for shits and giggles.

Also, one little thing: anyways is not a word. it's anyway. It's nothing major, but I'm a grammar wh0re and people saying anyways is a pet peeve of mine.
---
C4C, Yo.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=962262
or better yet
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=963993
or better yet
BOTH
Last edited by Guns N Russians at Sep 23, 2008,
#16
- "I've put everything into that girl." - The only line I really liked, and I really did like it!

This reminds me of so many bad things that happened in my life, and no doubt other people's too. I think, for me anyway, you hit the wrong nerves and went too far. Its too rough for my tastes to enjoy. I can understand what you are saying, certainly, but the whole irony I noticed wasn't clear enough. I think it needed humour or a tasty blend of what you already have written here, with pretty lines, just something to lift it from the muck that it sat in.
The thing is, I didn't really feel any sadness or emotion (apart from the line I mentioned already) I just felt old sand circling around in my mouth... sand used to mop the vomit up off an old life.
I personally think you've taken on the extremes of writing in this style too frequently recently, don't become caught up in writing material like this.
Just my thoughts.

Digitally Clean
#17
This works well. The rhyming, the swearing (to an extent), the tonality.
I'd just like to see you write something other than religious pieces every now and then.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.