#1
Hi guys.



i. deception

somewhere between early august and
auburn leaves you took that
softly swirling feeling, that
succubus whip-lash sting,
away from her,
away from me


ii. monsters

there are monsters;
the wolf ran you down,
little rabbit, as we were
running through the forest.
i followed blood trails and
pieces of fluff from your tail
to the shores of our
imaginations, now nightmares.

the full moon cackles madly at me.


iii. the countess

some saintly figure,
standing solemn in the forest,
soft light lighting the lectern
from which he reads from a
book entitled,
“demonology.”


iv. air

i am near sighted.
they told me my night vision
was pretty shitty, but with these
lenses i would see better.

it’s still pretty ****ing dark.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#2
this was different.
i think it could've done without the last line. either removed, or maybe just remove "pretty ****ing" from it; i believe the cursing retracts from the seriousness it's supposed to impose(if i'm reading it correctly).
i find it surprising that this has went without comments for as long as it has.

i liked it.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#3
I liked it up until the last stanza, where I think the vulgarity offset the rest of the piece, which seemed quite poetic. I'm not against bad language, but I don't think it fits in here. I also thought the last line of part 2 felt tacked on. It could have ended after nightmares.

Other than that I loved the first three parts and it read very beautifully.
#4
Thank you both so very much. I appreciate it.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#5
I could appreciate this so much more if that last stanza weren't there. It really just ruins everything you've built up for me.

As it stands, its a bit luke warm to me. The writing and flow is gorgeous... but the first and third stanza felt a bit lacking in sentiment. The mood and tone was there... I just personally wished they would have resonated a little more loudly and not been caught so much behind an ebb of stylistic images. Could just be personal taste though.

Still a very solid offering, and I have no regrets in reading it.
#6
I think the third stanza brings the fourth into focus, because you're slowly changing gears into this "you", out of this romantic, vampiric aura to this goddammit the reality of the world in 20XX feeling, and considering that, I think fucking is in the right place (take me out of context here!)

It's really good, and I'm always of fan of chaptered poetry. Never take the world as seriously as it doesn't take you.
#7
I really liked this. I think the last stanza was spot on in terms of tone. yeah, I prolly will be back, I know I owe you a bajillion (really). But I really enjoyed this. it was refreshing.
#8
Your style is great, but at some point along this piece it takes over too much.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#9
Thanks a whole lot everyone. I don't know what I want to do with part four.

@Dig, eh?

I have the rest of it "finished", but I don't know if I want to post it.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#10
i. deception.

lacking a little punctuation, especially in L2. I love the twists here, I used succubus in a french piece of mine in may, I like the image a lot. I'm unsure about the repetition here (away from you/me) , but then again, it fits the mood that I think you are trying to convey.

ii. monsters
repetition of monsters so early after the chapter title bugged me but it's no biggie. Same with the "run" repetition. That one-liner really adds up. I like the way you developed the image, drawing it out of cliché. I have nothing but good words on that one.

iii.The countess
line break for L4/L5 bugged me a bit. I like the images of femininity (what an ugly word) that carry all the way throughout. It's not directly referenced here, but I'm sure you know what I mean.

iv. air

what a change in tone. Very s&l-ish, a bit too much for my liking. it's good for what it is, but I don't see how it wraps the piece up, what I got out of it so far. Of course it might be some sort of conclusion content-wise, but it's such a cassure in the voice... It stood out to me, in a bad way.


It's good to see you posting. I'm looking forward for the rest of it.