#1
crematorium.

it all begins with a notch of blatant spontanuity
and superfluous disregard for the broken clock that's
still right twice in a day.
it waves and unravels in the silent, black corner
that's got ahold of your cock and balls
like the woman who's making more money
than you: the envious prick.
it cuts deep like the axe you'd love to put in your
neighbor's oak, that casually leans over your
privacy fence from time to time
and knocks on the windows and sideing
like a stranger in the night
when it's windy or storming.

and it settles,
unsettling;
deep within your soul,
like the voice of divinity.

the hardest part of writing anything -
beit poem, song, book, or whatever;
is not the work itself.
nor the ending; because closure is
nothing more than fate;
unstoppable and unchangeable.
it's the beginning that will make
or break
you.

so,
i wrote this poem
after taking a shit
and thinking about what it'd
be like to rub my dick all over
the quick-mart cashier's cigarettes.
then i could say that she sucked it
twenty times in a day.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
Last edited by ottoavist at Sep 22, 2008,
#2
lol, i enjoyed this. some nice ideas, comparisons. you should let me know if you get music to this and record it.
#4
Quote by pageisgod493
:|E iz got fangs
LOL WOW UR SO FUNNEE.
you know what's not funny? spam.
*reported*
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#7
I was very much unimpressed until reading the second half. Personally, I'm fully against works that are about poetry, but this was still pretty effin' good.

The first stanza just felt like a whole lotta images, but they fit the piece well, even if they're not very pointed.

I did not like settles, unsettling. That made my stomach churn. In fact, that stanza in itself was hardly any meat, and "divinity" was just a cliche image that people fall back on.

As I said before, I thoroughly enjoyed the last two stanzas. They made the piece, pretty much.

Overall, some of these images initially felt unrelated, but the vibe I was getting was just being spontaneous, and its delivery was very good.

Piece be in my sig, if you want to return.
#9
Comically, it's your beginning that I dislike the most.

EDIT: The opening two lines, really.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

Last edited by culex-knight at Sep 22, 2008,
#10
Yeah, my only real problem is that the last stanza just takes what you've already defined really well and with a fairly good flare; and adds a penis joke to it. Its an interesting idea that deserves to be in a piece, but I don't think it fits. I think bringing two instances of "blunt imagery" cuts down on the impact of the first one... it doesn't stick out so much anymore.

Second stanza was good... but it struck me as also being out of place... like a diamond super-glued to a foil engagement ring. It's gorgeous... but in some instance, a bit trashy will blend better than a gorgeous couplet. For me, if you drop stanzas 2 and 4 (more correctly, move them to a piece that better suits them), this resonates a lot louder and with a lot more force because those asides aren't in there anymore... I don't feel like I've been jerked in and out of a bunch of different styles and piece... which leaves me a bit more content with my read.


Prayer in sig, if you could.
#11
thank you guys for getting to this.
really really really appreciate it.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#12
I still think it would do better dropping

"it all begins with a notch of blatant spontanuity
and superfluous disregard for the broken clock that's
still right twice in a day."

Much too slow of an opener for this piece, I feel. Beginning without that grabs you almost immediately. It's actually exciting.

Just felt I didn't elaborate enough, good work here, sir.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#13
i think you'd better watch out, because you're slowly falling into a mesh of beat poetry(and/or bukowski-esque free verse it looks like) and losing everything that's delightful about yourself in writing.

this is a fantastic poem, but i can't help but wish i felt more of the old kent. you've gone from overuse and dependence on rhythm and meter, to occasional use of rhythm and meter (i.e. employing it when it was beneficial to the piece as a whole, which was not only alarmingly unique but at times genuinely effective poetically) to disregarding it entirely, which i think is a turn for the worse. although you're writing better pieces now than ever, i can't help but feel the evolution of you as a writer (and particularly your creativity) has transcended your idea regarding the importance of poetic style. i guess it comes down to: would you rather write a great piece of poetry that could of been written by anyone, or would you rather write a good piece of poetry that is, typically and undoubtedly, "you"? the irony is that you never had to make this choice - you were progressing nicely as a writer at the same time as you were sorting out your issue with delving into rhythm and were all set, but you've sacrificed your style (partially, i can still tell you wrote this) in what appears to be a sub-conscious effort to improve.

like good actors, musicians and artists, an incredible poet can be comically caricatured. i could of done that to you a couple of months ago. i'd struggle to do it now.

it's not essential that you take my advice, or even that you agree with this, but acknowledgement whereby you can at the same time will that i should stop talking, is salient.
Last edited by skagitup at Sep 23, 2008,
#14
Hmm. I dig it.

I'd change the last three lines of the first stanza to something more "poetic" since that stanza is a gangbang of metaphors. Other than that, I like it. It'd be funny if you'd change neighbors oak to neighbors skull. Cause cold blooded axe murder is always funny.

Heh, I also enjoy the crudeness of the last stanza.

I really like the first three lines of the first stanza, but after thinking about it, it does kind of give it a slow start. I say recycle them for another poem, cause like you said...it's the begining that makes or breaks you.

Good job though. Unique blend of eloquence and toilet humor.

(And the ever cliche C4C!)
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=962262
#15
Alex, when you comment, sometimes i think you understand me better as a writer than i understand myself. as a writer. i've never considered your advice to be anything less than heeded.
it turns me inside out, outside in, sometimes.
right now, for instance.

thanks to the lot of you.
i'll be returning soon; if anyone else wishes to comment, go ahead and do so. i'll return in the manner it is given.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#16
i've been saying the same thing for months.

"so disregard your flow, engage the reader, and then reingage the flow. that is my advice. ignore it as you see fit "
- me on "grove" 20th of june, 2008.
#17
Quote by skagitup
i've been saying the same thing for months.

"so disregard your flow, engage the reader, and then reingage the flow. that is my advice. ignore it as you see fit "
- me on "grove" 20th of june, 2008.
yes i know.
thank you for observing my many failures to apply this advice since June.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
Last edited by ottoavist at Sep 23, 2008,