#1
Ummm, I hadn't written anything in a while and thought I'd try something a lil' new, or at least I think this style is somewhat new to me or whatever....

c4c as always

Enjoy



Hours pass as pencil scratches paper
My neck aches after slouching for so long
I look out the window, it's dark out now
And realize that my social life is gone

Secluded, yet encompassed
I'm an insomniac with no ideas
You see
Just a lunatic caged inside
Walking outside, fresh air
would make any man feel free

O' the silence is the greatest noise
Deemed to miss the sounds of fellow comradory
An empty heart with holes
No one to talk to, O' God I feel so lonely

I'm not a writer, I'm not an artist
I'm not someone you could easily talk to
And to think that I'm not harmless
But really the truth is
That still remains a question to me
Vivamus mea Lesbia, atque amemus,
rumoresque senum seueriorum
omnes unius aestimemus assis!
#2
I was a bit confused by you saying that your not a writer, yet the first image is "pencil scratches paper". That can be used to your advantage, to state you scratching out things written down, but the rest of the piece doesn't follow suit.

Stanza two's second half was split up in a way that muddled the thought, which slowed the reading down.

Language tetered on the edge of being great, but it felt like mere descriptions rather than experience. That's the path you've chosen, and that's fine, but there always seems to be this wall that I can't quite explain. I think the only time this wall is broken through is during stanza three, where the character actually sounds like a poet. I guess what I'm trying to say is that's the only time where you get a true feeling for the character, where his sentiments are almost in outburst.

So, it goes in, it does its dance, it makes sense, it never screws up, and it even gets my attention from start to finish, but I never really felt a whole lot of sentiments for him. It's hard for me to explain really, so disregard it if you choose.

If I've been any help, then you can crit the one in my sig.
#3
I guess I wasn't clear enough in this piece (which I wrote in like 15 min.) The idea behind it to me is somewhat vague as well....The best way I can describe what I was feeling in this piece when I wrote it was that there's times when I really want to write something and nothing comes to mind and it ends up driving me nuts...Yeah on occasions I'll actually take a mid night stroll to calm my nerves....The last verse shows my uncertainty of who I am and what I want to be....

The second stanza, I just did flat out on purpose

Anyway for some reason, everyone has said this
"it felt like mere descriptions rather than experience."

I try to get it in as an experience, but for some reason, I don't know how...but I manage descriptive and I can't seem to break that barrier between the two
Vivamus mea Lesbia, atque amemus,
rumoresque senum seueriorum
omnes unius aestimemus assis!
#4
Personally, I love this piece because it captures exactly what I feel when I write. I'm constantly looking for faults within my writing and trying to pick it apart because it's never really good enough. As for what I can critique here, I'd say that I don't like the last line of the first stanza, I understand what you mean to say but it just comes off as really forced in order to rhyme with "long". And I love the last three lines but not how they're written, they just sound really jumbled with all the conjunctions in there. I think you could write it a lot more elegantly while still keeping the rhythm and meaning.
Drop another coin in the slot, and I will tell you more...
#5
Like Chak said, it made me think of me trying to write songs.

I think the two previous posts have already pointed out any problems with it.
So, in short what I'm saying is, I quite liked it.
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