#1
She Hurt Me - the insecure - So Much

Why did she have to hurt me?
She took away my heart and
everything else in between,
then threw it away like a wet tampon.

Its so hard to live on without her
and knowing she is with someone
else just tears me apart,
one piece at a time...

hang on,

I'm in love with another girl.


Before you say it, I'm not trying to be clever here, and if you think it is clever, fine, but this is idealy meant as a parody of all the 'loss of love' songs out there and how cheap they make me feel.

Digitally Clean
#2
I wish I had more hands...


So I could give those lyrics four thumbs down.
Do you feel warm within your cage?

And have you figured out yet -


Life goes by?
Quote by Hydra150
There's a dick on Earth, too
It's you
#3
Very short. Very very short. First stanza: on the fence about the wet tampon bit. It felt like a silly approach, which, being a parody, seems fine. It's starting to grow on me. I hated the line break in stanza two: "someone / else". Just slide "else" up with its buddy, and I think it'll read better.

The ending seemed to be the defining part of this piece.

Overall, it felt like a parody should, and nothing more. I'm wondering if a little extra length would take away from the tone. So, really, there's nothing too terrible for me to find here. Short, gallopin' fun.
#4
Fingers up will do, either.

The idea of the odd line break is to show how incompetant some folk are at writing love songs or the pain of loosing love - no one but a fool without a purpose would have that positioned there. Its really just a criticism of how other people's writing methods and themes totally ruins the idea of love. Thats all it is. Thats all that it was supposed to be.
No poetic techniques, no this that and the other, just a parody of itself.

EDIT: its not a song, its a poem. I stole the inspiration from Bukowski's work. I think the guy who has posted first was looking for a song to sing and criticism, but its not that at all and I can totally understand why you would hate it if you arrived at it from that particular point of view.
Last edited by AngryGoldfish at Sep 22, 2008,
#5
Quote by AngryGoldfish
Before you say it, I'm not trying to be clever here, and if you think it is clever, fine, but this is idealy meant as a parody of all the 'loss of love' songs out there and how cheap they make me feel.

Digitally Clean
nice start, then.
but imho, it needs to be more over the top to stand on it's own as a parody.

leaving an open end on your heart and everything in between was a nice omission, though.
sufficiently clumsy.


don't you DARE bump mine,
but i think you'd do well if you could split the difference between your piece and this,
in terms of obvious sarcasm:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=755960
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#6
It felt rather crude.

But iunno, I saw some sort of cycle in it that may or may not be there.

I don't know it that wins over the crudeness.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#7
Quote by AngryGoldfish
She Hurt Me - the insecure - So Much

Why did she have to hurt me?
She took away my heart and
everything else in between,
Cliché, simple and I know it's exactely what you were going to.
then threw it away like a wet tampon.
I laughed at such stupid line. In a good way.

Its so hard to live on without her
and knowing she is with someone
else just tears me apart,
one piece at a time...

hang on,

I'm in love with another girl.
Small, direct and plain. Everything I was expecting for this.


I follow your work a long time ago, I'm starting to know what you're going to right at the beginning of every piece, I didn't need the explanation to know you're just mocking every "love-song-we've-heard-and-read-a-million-times-and-still-we-keep-on-reading-new-stuff-that-says-the-same-thing-hair-metal-power-ballads-said-three-decades-ago". I liked this for what it is, and any deeper thoughts would ruin such simplicity. I'd made all my fingers thumbs to thumb this up ten times.
#8
This didn't even tap into your potential. It highlighted all the wrong parts of your writing, and omitted pretty much every thing that naturally flows from your pen. I can accept a parody... but only a well done one. You had 3 decent lines of parody and the rest was empty filler, that was supposed to be "worded like a normal love song." If you are going to parody, you need to hit on every level or you are going to come off as someone who half-assed something because they thought it was a funny idea and they had a witty line for the idea (in this instance, the punch line).

If you are going to hit, hit hard... otherwise, you're better off letting your leading card in your writing be the fact that you are able to describe things in such a fluidly acidic and abstract way. This just fell deaf to me.


Just being honest.

If you have a chance, I'd appreciate just some thoughts and a bump on prayer (sig). If not, no worries
#9
I understand you, Mr. Goldfish. Just place this quietly between two of your other pieces in that book you're envisioning, and it'll come off as making fun of every Chris Carrabba and Alan Jackson out there. You're fine. Well done.
#10
I'm sick of you young people trying to be clever. it seems like being clever is all you care about. clever clever clever. clever. clever clever.



anyways, I think it could use more hyperbole, it is not clear at all that this is a parody except for the fact that you told me. the wet tampon line would be funny if I couldn't see half the writers on the board using it in order to have their piece stand out (actually, thats kind of a cool symbol anyway). shrug. I liked the idea of it, just didnt feel like you fully committed.
#11
yeah i agree with zanas' first paragraph, there just didnt seem to be that much here at all. and a parady has to be crazy good for it to work, probably. i also really didn't like the wet tam line. it's kind of a gross image, and thats one of the things i subconsiously avoid myself.. anything gross. looking forward to your next one man
#12
Weird Al couldn't cover You're Beautiful and call it a parody. You can't do the same with love poetry.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#13
I only liked the wet tampon part. Did it mean the character ****ed her?
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
#14
^
i didn't make that connection.
in my interpretation,
it just meant his heart was disposable.
like kleenex
or toilet tissue.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.