#1
Is it odd that I don’t judge people on how they first appear? I don’t think it’s that unusual, but sometimes the difference of it all...
Just bothers me.

Why don’t they just follow my lead? Why do they just sit, and enjoy their sick jokes, never looking past the aggravating paper wrapper on the bottle?

They need to come to terms with the fact that they’ll go nowhere if they have this perspective on life. They’ll go on offending people, never looking back to see the looks they’ve imprinted on faces.


Sometimes it’s not your own punch you’re drinking, but someone else’s.
ok, yeah. my name is silly because I signed up when I was 13.

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Last edited by ratmblink123 at Sep 23, 2008,
#2
i thought some of the phrasing was awkward. for instance "how they first appear" could simply be "appearance" "if they have that perspective on life" could be "with that perspective" and so on. the replacements i've given aren't necessarily the epitome of phrasing - my point is that i felt that the flow suffered from what appeared to be deliberately lengthy wording.

"never looking back to see the looks they've imprinted on faces" was just icky word-choice.

i liked the start of the last line. again, "but someone else's" is a very bland way of saying that. i genuinely warmed to the message. the whole "looks can be decieving", "don't judge a book by it's cover" etc. etc. idea's not uncommon, but i found this fresh. could be the unusual typography. i didn't really like the bolding of aggravating and never looking back. they're self-evidently the more important ideas and so aren't really satisfied any more or less by the highlighting, making the bolding pretty redundant.

you have a nice way of keeping things interesting, but i think you could do with revising sentence-structure and putting more time into effective word choice. there's really no imagery to be found here, bar an extremely mundane image of someone looking at the paper wrapper on a bottle.
#3
Thanks, man.

Yeah, I was unsure of some of the flow, I probably should have said so. This is my first poem where it isn't straight up rhyming the whole way through, and I think that might have jacked up my flow a bit.

I'll change a bit, and either edit this, or repost it with a title I'm comfortable with.

Thanks for the crit.
ok, yeah. my name is silly because I signed up when I was 13.

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