#1
I really suck at line breaks, so help will be much appreciated. I will pay back any helpful comments, as usual.


I'm a frayed,
strand of rope
part of a larger
puzzle. a gag
for my muzzle,
something I
can't spit out.
not that I don't mind,
having my tongue tied.
it keeps me from
spilling the shit
from my mouth.
#2
I used to suck at line breaks too, but then I started writing my pieces in long paragraphs with no breaks. Doing that, then reading over your work will help you see the natural flow of the words you use and where the breaks should be. Personally with this piece, I would break it up:


"I'm a frayed strand of rope,
part of a larger puzzle,
a gag for my muzzle,
something I can't
spit out.

Not that I don't mind
having my tongue tied.
It keeps me from spilling
the shit from my
mouth"

But that's what works for me. For the piece itself, I think it needs some work. The puzzle/muzzle lines are weak, I don't really understand why those lines are needed or what they contribute to the piece as a whole. The rest of it is written very nicely, but what does it mean? I feel really lost when reading it. You should be aware of your audience when writing.
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#3
i have to agree with Chantal about the puzzle/muzzle issue.
this feels like you were just meandering about with
the rope metaphor, looking for something interesting to say.
nothing wrong with that.
but it didn't seem to hit it's stride.

the most damaging is how the continuation of the metaphor
changes the relationship.

first you are the strand of rope
and that's part of something larger.
then you mention the gag in the same train of thought.
you don't point to anything in that reference,
so by default,
it's just another way of stating this something larger.
but the gag is for the muzzle
and the muzzle is for you.
so the whole thing comes full-circle
in a confusing way.
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#4
Damn. The whole line break thing started because of the first line (I'm a frayed/I'm afraid...get it? haha) but I guess it didn't come across too well. The strand is supposed to be a small part of the rope, you know, those tiny threads that all wrap together to become an actual thick rope.

I guess I missed the mark this time, thanks for the comments all.

EDIT: Also, muzzle means mouth in this context, if that helps make things clearer.
#5
Less line breaks at the start. Stop at "not that."

"this feels like you were just meandering about with
the rope metaphor, looking for something interesting to say.
nothing wrong with that.
but it didn't seem to hit it's stride."

^ This.

You had a good idea here, should've just let it cook a bit longer.
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