#1
It seems I've got a midnight fever
With my head on the reciever
Another fight to stay alive
Another night just trying to recieve her
But she takes flight
If I could just retrieve these things that meant so much to me
maybe I could get some sleep
But it's my head under lamps and lights
In lieu of blankets and sheets
It's these pieces of the puzzle
that keep me so completely incomplete

And you never knew what you wanted
But you had no need for me

I'm opening the window
maybe there's something in the air
This wind whistles and howls at you
Until you admit you're scared
It'll never get it out of me
I still don't feel prepared
I'm ready to tell you everything
But you're not ready to care

And the nights are getting longer
Yeah they go on for days here
This used to be my home but
It's slowly filling up with strangers
As you learn to fly
And every reason that I stayed here
is departing from my side
"it'll never work, you're living in the past'
A past so full of brighter futures
All those hopes couldn't outlast our greatest fears

And you had me right where you wanted
But it just wasn't here

I'm opening the closet
The one I could never bear
The one you promised me you needed
But that you always kept bare
Now I know there was a reason
I'm certain something's there
I was willing to hear everything
That you could never share

And I'm waiting for the moment
when the strangers disappear
When you ultimately notice
That all you need is here

And I'm ready to tell you everything...
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#2
It seems I've got a midnight fever
With my head on the reciever *receiver
the rhyme seems slightly forced

Another fight to stay alive
Another night just trying to recieve her *receive
i like the front loaded rhymes - Another fight / Another night.
but the length of what follows on each needs to balance.
and receiver / receive her is weak when there is so much distance.

But she takes flight
If I could just retrieve these things that meant so much to me
maybe I could get some sleep
But it's my head under lamps and lights
In lieu of blankets and sheets
It's these pieces of the puzzle
that keep me so completely incomplete
i liked the last half of this better than the first

And you never knew what you wanted
But you had no need for me

I'm opening the window
maybe there's something in the air
This wind whistles and howls at you
Until you admit you're scared
It'll never get it out of me
I still don't feel prepared
I'm ready to tell you everything
But you're not ready to care
the rhyme pattern here is uneasy.
having the inner pair (ared)
sounding so similar to the outer (air)
weakens it.


And the nights are getting longer
Yeah they go on for days here
This used to be my home but
It's slowly filling up with strangers
As you learn to fly
And every reason that I stayed here
is departing from my side
"it'll never work, you're living in the past'
A past so full of brighter futures
All those hopes couldn't outlast our greatest fears
there were a few interesting expressions here
nights go on for days, past full of futures
but as a whole, it didn't wow me.
the rhythm varies widely.
just about the time a pattern is established
you change it.


And you had me right where you wanted
But it just wasn't here

I'm opening the closet
The one I could never bear
The one you promised me you needed
But that you always kept bare
the structure of this is stressed
just to pair bear with bare.
not much of a reward.

Now I know there was a reason
I'm certain something's there
I was willing to hear everything
That you could never share

And I'm waiting for the moment
when the strangers disappear
When you ultimately notice
That all you need is here

And I'm ready to tell you everything...


most unrequited love poems
are a horrible waste of time.
the fact that this is only mildly disappointing
is a huge success.
still, it's two thumbs sideways, not up.
Meadows
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I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
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#3
^ I believe he writes with the purpose of being lyrical. I could be wrong, it has been many years since he was a normality around here.

Ah, typical CFA.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#4
hey thanks for that detailed critique, sorry I never made it back here... and yeah culex is right, it's meant to be lyrical, not really poetic
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#5
Yet lyrics are written to be heard, so without your voice, we resolve to read them as poems.

And, I can't really add anything on to SYK.
#6
I can completely relate to this. It describes a situation that I'm in exactly, though I doubt I could ever express it so well.

Thank you.

I'm not expecting any comments, but if you want something to read the two links in my sig are my latest.
#7
It's always a pleasure reading you Dereck. I'd love to hear this. I think you need to settle the flow a little, but it's pretty decent. Enjoyable.

Take care of yourself man.
#8
Derek! I can't remember the last time I saw you (never) so why do I know your name?

Does that Florida symbol mean you live in FL?! I do too!

How have you been? How was your mission?

I can't read this here but to future sober self: Edit in a crit here please.
#10
thanks a lot guys, and Corey I still live in Utah but I was in Florida for a couple years, I haven't bothered changing anything on my profile cause I've barely been on here at all, so whatev. Keenan, Corey, Mat, what's been up fellas?
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#13
thanks guys, I'm contemplating posting something else real soon so keep an eye out
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