#1
busy with the breadpan, turning
on itself. "Put in some more flavor,
it's getting harder to swallow at this time."
And the sunflower would do anything to turn blue.
"You cut out my parachute."
the proof was burned in butter,
swimming in a sea of sweet sugar.

busy with the fretting hand,
confiding in itself. I thought it artificial,
like a blue plant in the summer,
it could only get there by chance.
Jesus was simply shining for a girl,
but only for a moment, before she
lays in a dark coffin,
and that's what the afterlife is for.

the cardboard box is walking away from me,
containing something fragile, "don't stack,
just put me down gently."

I took good pictures, but left my broken camera in a taxi cab.
And I had my fill, but could not prove
the existence of the blue sunflower,
whose hue was left imprinted on,
invited in, divided though,
my hemispheres.
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
Last edited by Laces Out Danny at Sep 23, 2008,
#2
and remember to lift with your knees, not you back
Quote by Jaymz_515
I pretend I'm a huge spider laying eggs, then when I flush the toilet I fall to floor screaming "MY CHILLLDRENN!! NOOOO!"


If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
- Mitch Hedberg
#3
Not sure what to make of this sir, but it is certainly interesting writing. I'll probably be back.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#4
Damnit.

Now I'm gonna spend the next few sleepless nights trying to figure out what "the fretting hand confiding in itself" means.

Mindf*ck poetry pisses me off...and at the same time, I freakin' love it. Good job. I really like this. It's like a Charles Simic/ee cummings lovechild.

W00t. as they say here in the S&L forum...C4C!
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=962262
OR BETTER YET
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=963993
OR BETTER YET
BOTH!
Last edited by Guns N Russians at Sep 23, 2008,
#5
i liked it.
i wasn't too sure about the opening stanza. i thought that "Put some more flavor,
it's getting harder to swallow at this time." felt a little awkward and didn't read particularly well.
i really liked the middle stanzas and most of the final part however i wasn't keen on the opening of it. i thought it felt a little elementary and the image of the camera could have been portrayed a little differently as came across as being a little lame.
on the whole i enjoyed this. good job.
Quote by Jaret Reddick
wake me up when september ends makes me cry evry time!

emos forever
:-(
#6
thanks for the crits, guys.


Guns N Russians, i'll get to yours, I promise. I've been very busy lately.
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian