Guns N Russians
Axl Williamovich Rosenov
Join date: May 2007
436 IQ
#1
[Verse - moderate tempo]
I have more problems than a math book
She's got more issues than the new york times
I speak to her in metaphors
She answers me in rhymes
I drink myself to sleep each night
And to the sandman oh, she cries
I can't come to a conclusion
And she keeps on changing her mind



[Bridge 1 - fast tempo]
We're so different
yet so similar
We're complete strangers
yet so familiar



[Chorus 1 - slow to moderate tempo]
There's little lies in all my truth
And so much truth in all her bull
Does it matter if the glass is half empty or half full?
It's all the same difference to me
yeah it's all the same difference to me



(NOW HERE IS WHERE I WANT TO PUT ANOTHER VERSE. BUT I CANT WRITE ONE FOR THE LIFE OF ME. I REALLY LIKE MY FIRST ONE AND CAN'T COME UP WITH ANYTHING AS GOOD...DO I REALLY NEED ONE OR CAN I JUST GO RIGHT TO...)


[Bridge 2 - fast tempo]
I see the unseen *OR* I see the unknown
She is blinded by the clarity
What is one to make
of this oh-so-sad-hilarity



[Chorus 2 - slow to moderate tempo]
I'm falling up beneath the sky
She's rising down above the ground
If a tree falls and no-one's there, will it make a sound?
It's all the same difference to me
yeah it's all the same difference to me


(I MIGHT REPEAT BOTH BRIDGES AND BOTH CHORUSES FOR LACK OF A VERSE HERE...FOLLOWED BY REPEATING "Yeah it's all the same difference" AND VARIATIONS OF THE LINE UNTIL THE END OF THE SONG)
.................

I wrote this YEARS ago...but it's still one of my favorite songs that I've written. I haven't really done anything with it since then. It was inspired by how silly I think the whole phrase "same difference" is. It's a total oxymoron and makes no logical sense.

Mostly I'd like advice of whether or not to force a second verse and something I can do to make that first line REALLY catch. It really has to have the whole "more problems" thing. Cause really, you've all seen those bigass math textbooks with all those problems in them. I just wanna say it more poetically but so it still flows nicely with "she's got more issues than the new york times". I like that. Just the first line seems to throw it off.

Any feedback will be appreciated and I will c4c for sure!
Last edited by Guns N Russians at Sep 23, 2008,
calvin27_2002
Calvin27
Join date: Oct 2006
161 IQ
#2
Haha bout your ques~ yeah i supposed u need a 2nd verse to make the song complete. i love this piece! it sounded really cool! not sure how the song goes but it kinda gave me a feeling tat i'm listening to songs from bands like pink spider, the fratellis.. moderate to fast pace pop-rockish kinda feel~ Love it!!
DigUpHerBones
I don't like The Misfits.
Join date: Aug 2006
2,526 IQ
#3
I think I see the unseen is better than the alternative you wrote, and that it's fine as it is. Does it really need another verse? I don't think so. I think the first line works well and see no reason for you to change it, it's going to be a song so it doesn't have to be the most poetic hook ever.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
Guns N Russians
Axl Williamovich Rosenov
Join date: May 2007
436 IQ
#4
Hey thanks for the input! I'll be sure to critique back in the very near future.

And I have a bluesy/punk/poprock kinda sound in mind. The main verse is the blues, the bridge punk and the chorus more poprock.

I hate sticking to one genre and therefore infuse my songs and playing with an array of styles.
Laces Out Danny
Really.
Join date: Feb 2008
2,254 IQ
#5
hmm, I like it. The parallelism in the first verse is pulled off well.

"Does it matter if the glass is half empty or half full?" seems kind of off-flow, but as I have no idea what the song is like, I would'nt have any idea.

I can envision this being really catchy as a song.
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
Joel2
NinjaPirate
Join date: Dec 2005
179 IQ
#6
This is good. I like the fact that, unlike most lyrics up here, you use rhyme...and well!
Also, the similies in the first verse are proper!
i like it....get that second verse sorted nd itl be rate good!
if you cud stop by nd give me sum crit on my stuff, thatd be great!
AngryGoldfish
do I "urk" you?
Join date: Jul 2005
6,606 IQ
#7
Add another verse if the song you have wrote it requires it. If it doesn't, don't force anything out. There's no shame in experimenting, but as you said, you have already worked your ass off to conjure up something new and as adept as your first verse, so maybe you should leave it.
That said, I think this needs more to it. You repeat the same idea throughout without adventuring into new territories. Now, I'm not saying you should, but try and see where you could fall when you evolve the theme into something new and different, and then weave it into the song itself.
"I see the unseen" - Better

This was good stuff, mate. Very pleased to read it and thank you for getting to mine, I appreciate it.

Digitally Clean
seventh_angel
So-Called New-Age(d) Poet
Join date: Aug 2007
3,144 IQ
#8
Quote by Guns N Russians
[Verse - moderate tempo]
Interesting that you give an idea of the tempo in every structure of the song
I have more problems than a math book
She's got more issues than the new york times
I speak to her in metaphors
She answers me in rhymes
These are like one of the best first lines I ever read in a song !
I drink myself to sleep each night
And to the sandman oh, she cries
I can't come to a conclusion
And she keeps on changing her mind
Still good. I don't think anything will beat the first four lines though.



[Bridge 1 - fast tempo]
We're so different
yet so similar
We're complete strangers
yet so familiar
Nice



[Chorus 1 - slow to moderate tempo]
There's little lies in all my truth
And so much truth in all her bull
Does it matter if the glass is half empty or half full?
I'm sure not, but by reading it, this lines breaks the flow
It's all the same difference to me
yeah it's all the same difference to me
Good chorus, but I think it doesn't add any much iunformation to the song, nor does it sum up the situation.



(NOW HERE IS WHERE I WANT TO PUT ANOTHER VERSE. BUT I CANT WRITE ONE FOR THE LIFE OF ME. I REALLY LIKE MY FIRST ONE AND CAN'T COME UP WITH ANYTHING AS GOOD...DO I REALLY NEED ONE OR CAN I JUST GO RIGHT TO...)
(NOW HERE IS THE PART WE'LL BE EXPECTING IT)


[Bridge 2 - fast tempo]
I see the unseen *OR* I see the unknown
I see the unknown
She is blinded by the clarity
What is one to make
of this oh-so-sad-hilarity
Better than the first one. This song is really promising ^^



[Chorus 2 - slow to moderate tempo]
I'm falling up beneath the sky
She's rising down above the ground
The first cliche thing I've read in here so far... But what the hell, we all fall into them once or twice in a song
If a tree falls and no-one's there, will it make a sound?
It's all the same difference to me
yeah it's all the same difference to me
Same as chorus 1


(I MIGHT REPEAT BOTH BRIDGES AND BOTH CHORUSES FOR LACK OF A VERSE HERE...FOLLOWED BY REPEATING "Yeah it's all the same difference" AND VARIATIONS OF THE LINE UNTIL THE END OF THE SONG)
(THAT'S OKAY TO ME)
.................


For a song, this was really fresh air, especially the first verse as you might have noticed.

Nothing really much to say, get the freaking second verse ffs ! xD

Thanks for the comment in mine, check it out as I esplaines the streetlight/lullabye thing.

Oh yeah, and I cheked the other one but I didn't comment since it had a week without any comments; but it's another good job as this one.

Take care !
bigwilly
Registered User
Join date: Apr 2007
414 IQ
#9
Quote by Guns N Russians
[Verse - moderate tempo]
I have more problems than a math book
She's got more issues than the new york times
I speak to her in metaphors
She answers me in rhymes
I drink myself to sleep each night
And to the sandman oh, she cries
I can't come to a conclusion
And she keeps on changing her mind

I think that the parallel structure was broken here.
verb tense coming-changing or come-change
Heres a suggestion for the last line that I like better "She can't make up her mind"



[Bridge 1 - fast tempo]
We're so different
yet so similar
We're complete strangers
yet so familiar



[Chorus 1 - slow to moderate tempo]
There's little lies in all my truth
And so much truth in all her bull
Does it matter if the glass is half empty or half full?
This is a little cliche, but if thats what you want then feel free to keep it
It's all the same difference to me
yeah it's all the same difference to me



(NOW HERE IS WHERE I WANT TO PUT ANOTHER VERSE. BUT I CANT WRITE ONE FOR THE LIFE OF ME. I REALLY LIKE MY FIRST ONE AND CAN'T COME UP WITH ANYTHING AS GOOD...DO I REALLY NEED ONE OR CAN I JUST GO RIGHT TO...)


[Bridge 2 - fast tempo]
I see the unseen *OR* I see the unknown
I like see the unseen better, as it continues some of the parallel structure present before, just in a different way
She is blinded by the clarity
What is one to make
of this oh-so-sad-hilarity



[Chorus 2 - slow to moderate tempo]
I'm falling up beneath the sky
She's rising down above the ground
If a tree falls and no-one's there, will it make a sound?
Again, this is a cliche statement, but that doesn't mean its wrong.
It's all the same difference to me
yeah it's all the same difference to me


(I MIGHT REPEAT BOTH BRIDGES AND BOTH CHORUSES FOR LACK OF A VERSE HERE...FOLLOWED BY REPEATING "Yeah it's all the same difference" AND VARIATIONS OF THE LINE UNTIL THE END OF THE SONG)
.................

I wrote this YEARS ago...but it's still one of my favorite songs that I've written. I haven't really done anything with it since then. It was inspired by how silly I think the whole phrase "same difference" is. It's a total oxymoron and makes no logical sense.

Mostly I'd like advice of whether or not to force a second verse and something I can do to make that first line REALLY catch. It really has to have the whole "more problems" thing. Cause really, you've all seen those bigass math textbooks with all those problems in them. I just wanna say it more poetically but so it still flows nicely with "she's got more issues than the new york times". I like that. Just the first line seems to throw it off.

Any feedback will be appreciated and I will c4c for sure!


Overall I really like it. I think a second verse could help and add substance to the song, but if you don't have any material to put in the song, then there's no point in forcing a second verse into it.

And if you have the time c4c? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=968767
Quote by Sonicxlover
I once told a Metallica fan I liked Megadeth, and he stabbed me 42 times.
ZanasCross
C(k)=Epsilon(ijk)A(i)B(j)
Join date: Jul 2007
9,587 IQ
#10
I'm going to treat this as a poem. I know its a song... but if I treat it as a poem you don't get to use the "well its good with the rhythm" excuse to make up for places I call out for being lacking. I'm going to be overly harsh too, you have some talent... but no use having raw talent if you can't refine it. I didn't hate this, but the next few paragraphs will probably make you think I did. I didn't particularly like it either though... but just a heads up.

That said, when I look at this, I see something that is lacking in originality and execution. Let's be honest, your piece is the same piece that has been written by dozens of others... you might have some slightly original idea, but on the whole... this isn't ground breaking, this isn't earth shattering, this isn't the type of things that wows me. This just simply paced along at a comfortable speed, and barely engaged me as a reader. I didn't feel like you gave a shit about what you were writing about. Your word choices were bland and safe... your grammar and sentence structure was the exact same as every piece since English became a language of poetry. The english language has more words and colloquialisms in it than any other language, and I'm hard pressed to find any where in your piece where you used the tools at hand to describe something in a way I couldn't find in any book I picked up. Bridge one is, to be honest, borderline appalling. It's so.... boring. You basically repeated the first stanza in 4 lines... which tells me that your first stanza needs to be cut down. You're losing your punch in a barrage of words that are, for the most part, empty and filler. Condense, condense condense. Make every word count... make every image quirky and original, make your piece say something only you can say... not something that Nickelback has been selling for the past 5 years, you have to make yourself part of the piece. This was so detached that I couldn't look at it and tell you who wrote it. I couldn't tell you whether it was someone who was hurting, someone who was depressed, someone who needed to vent about life, someone who was in love... I can't tell anything from this. It's just words on a page. You need to give your words life. You need to go beyond pen and paper and sprawl something real out there... because right now, it feels contrived and a bit half-assed. I'm sure you meant it, I'm sure something inspired this... but for now, it feels hollow. Like you wrote it because you were bored and had nothing else to do. Tone and emotion behind the words in 90% of the battle. You could write absolute tosh, but if you can convince me it means something to you and your poetic voice carries a tone that compliments the piece, it will still come out ok.

On the technical side, this was also boring and safe. You followed conventions... you dotted every i and crossed every t. Which can be ok; but here, I'd have liked to see something more. Things like alliterations, original metaphors, working in your own style of speech, some slang, etc... can make it feel more personal and help carry the pace of the piece as well as making it more relatable.

I dunno, just rambling now. PM me if you have any questions, hope this was helpful, even though it was mostly negative. Just take it in stride, and keep writing.

-zC
Guns N Russians
Axl Williamovich Rosenov
Join date: May 2007
436 IQ
#12
Hey, thanks a lot for all the comments everyone. I'll get back to all the critiques as soon as I can.

Joel2 - I'd be happy to critique your stuff but you don't have a link for it. If I find one on the pages I'll be sure to get to it though.

And ZanasCross (Your name is Zach, is it not?), I'd like to thank you especially. I truly appreciate your honesty and your actually taking the time to write a meaningful and thought-out critique. And I really didn't take it as a bashing, cause you're absolutely right.

I really was bored and had nothing better to do. And yeah, I wrote this a few years ago...but for some reason I still kinda like it. Nothing in particular inspired this either. But I see what you mean about it being hollow and half assed. I really need to write more often. I can feel this unlimited potential inside of me, and all my life everyone told me how talented I am and the limitless things I can accomplish, but I've yet to live up to anything close to it (ooh, maybe there's something I can work off of...)

I don't think that this was supposed to be that groundbreaking. Maybe the whole point of it was that I just don't care. Whatever happens "it's all the same difference to me". Maybe it was my intenton was to make it seem hollow and half-assed! Haha, and maybe I'm just bullshitting right now (though there could be some truth in it, eh?).

I do think that the way I have the end-result in my head (with music and all super-produced and stuff...which is still a looooooong ways away) it'll be a very catchy song and could do quite well on the radio. Nickelback is multi-platinum so there are plenty of idiots who eat this stuff up*.

But yeah man, thanks again.

...

*DISCLAIMER - All those who said they liked my piece are NOT the people I'm calling idiots. You are all very intelligent and have great taste in poetry and lyrics.
Last edited by Guns N Russians at Oct 2, 2008,
kdownes
one among the Fence
Join date: Dec 2006
2,587 IQ
#13
Quote by Guns N Russians
[Verse - moderate tempo]
I have more problems than a math book try "I've got more problems than maths book" or make it humourous "I've got more problems than a despot" or something like that. meh, i dunno
She's got more issues than the new york times haha, love the humour
I speak to her in metaphors
She answers me in rhymes
I drink myself to sleep each night
And to the sandman oh, she cries Love this, simply put but beautifully put. much better than "she cries herself to sleep". Way to get around a cliche
I can't come to a conclusion
And she keeps on changing her mind

I am in love. This song was such a breath of fresh air. Well done. If it was just this one stanza, i would be happy.

[Bridge 1 - fast tempo]
We're so different
yet so similar
We're complete strangers
yet so familiar



[Chorus 1 - slow to moderate tempo]
There's little lies in all my truth
And so much truth in all her bull
Does it matter if the glass is half empty or half full? hmm, works but doesn't quite seem to flow.
It's all the same difference to me
yeah it's all the same difference to me



(NOW HERE IS WHERE I WANT TO PUT ANOTHER VERSE. BUT I CANT WRITE ONE FOR THE LIFE OF ME. I REALLY LIKE MY FIRST ONE AND CAN'T COME UP WITH ANYTHING AS GOOD...DO I REALLY NEED ONE OR CAN I JUST GO RIGHT TO...)
no, stick with it as it is

[Bridge 2 - fast tempo]
I see the unseen *OR* I see the unknown I see the unseen
She is blinded by the clarity
What is one to make
of this oh-so-sad-hilarity



[Chorus 2 - slow to moderate tempo]
I'm falling up beneath the sky
She's rising down above the ground
If a tree falls and no-one's there, will it make a sound?
It's all the same difference to me
yeah it's all the same difference to me

Good ending


I really like this piece. It flws really well, the laguage is great, the rhyming is very natural. A very good piece all around. link in my sig "Nighttime: A City" if u wanna C4C
ZanasCross
C(k)=Epsilon(ijk)A(i)B(j)
Join date: Jul 2007
9,587 IQ
#14
Like I said mate, I was treating it as poetry. The thing with songs is... you can write a song where the main lyrics are "she fucking hates me" repeated over and over... and with a catchy bit behind it, I'd buy it and listen to it all day. AS proven by Puddle of Mud a few years back. As a poem, this does nothing... and in the end , lyrics are just poetry with a rhythm behind it; the problem is its easier to dismiss bad writing in lyrics if it works.

And yeah, I figured you weren't going for ground breaking... but that doesn't lessen the fact that this fell far from it, and it seems like you do have a lot of potential, and you are capable of writing a much more solid piece (at least from my perspective). And, with a little more emotion and originality, you could write something ground breaking.

-zC
ILoveGuitar07
Registered User
Join date: Mar 2005
2,005 IQ
#15
I did feel the vibes man. I like it as a whole, but my fav was this 1st verse.

--------------------
I have more problems than a math book
She's got more issues than the new york times
I speak to her in metaphors
She answers me in rhymes
I drink myself to sleep each night
And to the sandman oh, she cries
I can't come to a conclusion
And she keeps on changing her mind
---------------------
.