#1
part 1. there is, on your forehead, a map.

there was, on your forehead, a map
of the atlantic, pacific and indian
oceans and the mediterranean sea.
often i would look at it, at the beauty of it, for hours,
and then skip off to the bathroom and masturbate.

but when i returned this time, the oceans had frozen,
and the mediterranean sea had all dried up.
i sobbed for hours, caught my tears in a
glass and preserved them cryogenically.
those are my oceans now. a sad souvenir
of your forehead (and what it meant to me).

part 2. the roundabout (and why i shy my eye, at christmas)

the associations are swarming
towards you like rush hour traffic
at a roundabout. in winter what does it mean?
i will signal right, skip into the right hand lane over
the frosty road-markings, continue signalling,
and then revolve and dissolve for hours and hours
because the driver of the ford punto
infront of me (whose wife is fellating him) doesn't know
whether he's coming or snowing.

part 3. keys on keyboard

me: i'm real tired. i'm going to bed...
her: don't go just yet
Last edited by skagitup at Sep 26, 2013,
#2
Your first and second verse were awesome, your third - and remainding - verse's were nowhere near as good. It felt all over the place, as did the ending. I just have no idea what you are trying to say. I know that you often write like this, but in a case like this, I have to say something. I only enjoyed the first verse because I found a certain meaning from it, but I did not have as much good fortune with the second section.

Your line breaks felt very awkward in this, I think you were trying to be too clever with them. Just simplify them, it adds nothing to the flow or feel of it when you go crazy with the breaking up of the lines.

- "of the atlantic, pacific and indian
oceans and the mediterranean sea." - Didn't like the line breaks here at all...

- "i sobbed for hours but caught my tears in a
glass and preserved them cryogenically." - This is an awesome idea delivered poorly. The "but" in the middle of the sentence ruins it for me.

- "the associations are swarming
towards you like rush hour traffic
at a roundabout. in winter what does it mean?" - This was actually difficult to read!

I much prefer the pieces that are more clear cut from you, although this is still worth reading.

Digitally Clean
#3
You've improved so ****ing much.

This is beautiful.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#4
Damn. That was very intereseting. I haven't enjoyed much of your work, it always seemed to poetic, fluffy. But....this...this...is excellent. Some great lines, every stanza worked well. No idea what this piece meens to you, but I can deffinately relate to it.

"coming or snowing" -made me chuckle, some wit deffinately nice.

"i sobbed for hours but caught my tears in a
glass and preserved them cryogenically.
those are my oceans now. a sad souvenir
of your forehead (and what it meant to me)."

-That one really got me. Not many people can talk about crying in there poetry without sounding like an average, cliche- loving-prick. Amazing lines.

Deep down inside we all want to masturbate in the woods.

-Nick

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=964189 comment, maybe? Thanks.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#7
you expose life in your pieces, like i wish i could.
whatever you'd prefer to call this "ethereal" sense you have to describe and transcribe things the way you do; don't ever lose it, but pay close attention to it, also.
i feel like it could literally make, or break, you; for lack of better phrasing.

btw, this is the best i've ever read from you, hands down.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#8
I haven't commented on this? Well, well, well...

I loved it.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!