#1
pt. 1
before the deluge


Hash smoke danced on my tongue
and the tongues of my friends,
dancing forwards
to Springs end,

I walked, listening to songs,
Jackson Browne’s Late for the Sky,
with that feeling of belonging
and the thought of summertime.


pt. 2
the load-out


I lost those friends,
some time along the summer,
Nature brought me to her side
and asked me to help her,

I broke free from Manchester.
Now it remembers.

So September smiles
come forced and polite;
the sky above me is black
but the hours of the night
are dwindling,
with the spread of sunlight.


(stay)



meh (not you, Mr. Meh you!). c4c.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
Last edited by DigUpHerBones at Sep 24, 2008,
#2
This was the simplicest piece I have read from you, but its actually the most varied as well. I can find many different hella' cool meanings out of this, when before, I struggled to avoid the main criteria and theme; which shows your branching out.
What I liked about this was the fact that it was more down to earth, I reckon your pieces needed it.

- "I walked, listening to songs,
Jackson Browne’s Late for the Sky,
with that feeling of belonging
and the thought of summertime." - The third line in this section broke the flow and the potent feel in the song, which is a bit annoying seeing as it seemed to thrive on the fluid action of it.

- "I lost those friends,
some time along the summer," - This may take a few reads to enjoy properly. The word "along" here didn't really click with me straight away which is maybe something you could watch out for?

- "I broke free from Manchester.
Now Manchester remembers." - I personally thought the repetition of Manchester here was irritating and clumped it up too much. I wouldn't mind if the words were more spaced apart, but they are repeated in close contact with each other and it drags this down.

- "So September smiles
come forced and polite;" - I didn't like the line breaks here.

Great read, a nice change from you that was desperately needed.

Digitally Clean
#3
This is my favorite type of writing, both in it's gratifying times-and-places-and-elements-have emotions-and-actions and in the time line in which the events take place. Like Mr. Goldfish, I don't like the repetition of Manchester so closely. Perhaps if a stanza was in between those two lines, and you could eloquently and brilliantly finish the thought by coming back to the fact that Manchester, New York, Chicago, Istanbul, Bangkok remembers everything.
#4
i'm going to nit-pick.
didn't like "forwards." just take the "s" off the end; it'll flow and sound better than it already does, which is amazing, so there ya go.
"i broke free from Manchester" is okay by itself. if you're choosing to keep some sort of remnant of it in the second line, maybe you could remove the actual name "Manchester" and just attribute some personification to it. like, "now she remembers." maybe even "it" would work good.

that's all i've got.
you're a delightable writer to read, Katherine.
and thank you extremely for the comments on my recent pieces.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#5
Thank you
I like the s's on my forwards, so I won't change that.
Changed the Manchester. Don't want to make it a she like Nature is, so an it it is.
Also edited the end. Thoughts on that would be nice, but meh, it's staying.
The along is there because I wanted it to have a more subdued feeling.

The next piece I will post is, I'm afraid, another ruddy storytelling one, but I'm glad this style goes down well too . It's not how things naturally come out from me. You'll be able to tell that I guess.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!