#1
Entranced in our cavern; the tear of wine
scrapes the lantern, though our laments
never kept us still. And our last candles
quivered within the midst of the water:
“All has been heard”.

In a game of chess, between the refrain
and the snare, we convene the undone
in our seek we know nothing. The conclusion
ends in dust, like a broken vessel of clay
fleeting on the leaves of grass.

AND THERE ARE…

Imperial eagles near the city lights
turned like a wheel, wherein
the constellation.
In the face of the rocky hills
we sit in solitary, sorely
in a perfect circle
‘til oblivion.
#2
i love reading your work.
that is all.

EDIT: i take it back, it's not all.
if you don't mind, would you care to explain the capslock usage?
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
Last edited by ottoavist at Sep 24, 2008,
#4
i hate trying to crit your work because it's so damn hard, Fred.
you create, like, a different world with your pieces. the caps lock line was kind of nagging on my thinker; i didn't like it at first, but i now can't see the piece without it. very smooth, the way it runs into the last stanza. while i'm still clutching straws, i'll go ahead and mention that too, in the last line of stanza 1("the leaves of grass"); did you mean "leaves and grass" or "blades of grass." it missed my eye on the first read-through.
i loved the last three lines of the last stanza.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#5
jesus christ. it's indescribable. it IS jesus christ, in literary form, but more believable.

AND THERE ARE…

Imperial eagles near the city lights
turned like a wheel,

I can quote all day on the great parts, but it all fits so fluidly. the ending is scrumptuous. the In a game of chess, between the refrain and the snare, it's lovely. I could read it all day. I just may.
#6
No I actually did mean "Leaves of grass" in its self-conscious identity. Identity, indeed is the key here; the piece talks about our inner struggles and the outburst of what we call "reality". It also talks about Armageddon and the ancient world of Gehenna. But everything is wrapped up by personal experiences. Unconscious battles, to say the least.
#7
aha.
*inserting foot in mouth*
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#8
I didn't crit this when I first read it because I didn't have anything negative to say about it. Thought something might creep up. You'll be happy to know that it didn't.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#10
Contentwise, it was nice, I just disliked some of the linebreaks, especially towards the end of the piece.
Personally, and it's probably just me, I feel like some of the meaning is lost because you focus so heavily on wording and a certain structure, almost like a forced sense of depth, and 'I'm missing something, I must be.' . It's like you're intentionally being really vague, when I'm not sure it's always necessary.

But having said that, there is definitely always a ton of stuff to sift through and examine with each of your pieces, and I like that.

So, you may think, I am contradicting myself. Indeed I may well be.
I'm confused in my thoughts.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#14
back later, just blackdotting

edit:
crit time now.

to be honest, i didn't get anything out of this. I honestly could have never guessed this was about inner struggles, outburst of reality, armageddon, an ancient world and personal experiences. really. i'm sorry but this just didn't do anything for me. You have a great vocabulary and your writing is awesome, i really loved some of your lines, the snare, the last stanza, etc. however; like i said, i didn't really understand what you were getting at. Another thing that bothered me was the linebreaks, some of them just felt odd. I'm also not a fan of starting new sentences in the middle of a line, they just don’t feel right to me. I’m sure many people disagree with me though. Overall, this was nicely written, you are an amazing writer, but this felt empty meaning-wise. im gonna stop repeating myself now. sorry for such a lame crit, i have a math exam tomorrow im supposed to be studying for. ill try to get to your next one though.
Last edited by cubs at Sep 28, 2008,