#1
I will.
eye rape you
cover up in a sweater
put out seventy- five
just to stay warm
during the winter

my blanket is yours
geode under the covers
older autumn colors
department store
bomb shelter in the cellar

a tenement window sill
our bed is theirs
lived in two rooms
smoked on the fire escape stairs

calling all lude peoples
torturous distance
motel room bibles
spell out "forfeit".
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
Last edited by freshtunes at Sep 23, 2008,
#2
What kind of music is this set to?

I could see it working as an ATDI/Mars Volta style experimental delivery.

It's interesting, but'll take skill (and balls) to pull it off.
#4
Well, other than the lack of attention paid to spelling, I like its simplistic attitude set to monotone sincerity, and I really hope it does not become a Mars Volta song. It's lavish, but stays in the Elliot Smith realm of down-to-some-other-planet. It's like... looking around your environment and reading signs, and writing them down with a twist of the nose and forgetting who knows what's going on? It's good stuff.
#5
Thank you, spike. However, reelbigfish, constructive criticism only. You can shit all over my piece, as long as you give a reason as to why you are. Just by stating "it sucks" does not help me at all, please explain why "it sucks".
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#6
Loved it. Very pretty, concise, heavy, light. You do a good job creating a mood.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#7
"but stays in the Elliot Smith realm of down-to-some-other-planet."

People always steal what I think before I can tell people. This.

I was taken aback by your forced entry into my feelings as a reader by your introduction. Very good, very good.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#8
i read every piece you post.

you always create wonderful moods (as you do here) along with a nice choppy rhythm to pieces, but they always seem to be so... cryptic. but not in the sense that i couldn't take some kind of meaning from this - i could, but it just seems unnecessarily indirect. you remind me of the man who has one night stands with beautiful women because he doesn't want to get into a relationship and be hurt. i think you should start writing more... understandably, in a universal sense. if you did, you'd probably be my favourite writer on this site.

favourite parts:

the title was witty, and the fire-escape line brought back so many memories and created a beautiful scene.
#9
i completely understand what you are saying skag...(name?). others have told me my writing is to abstract as well, and i think i'm starting to outgrow it. good writing should make you draw connections to it, excellent writing should make you believe the author is sitting in your mind with a typewriter.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#10
I don't think this was too abstract. I took out of it what I did and it worked well. Made me smile. The one mistake you could've done would be to make one near-the-end statement too bold, which you didn't do, and because you didn't it was awesome.

and +1 with the writing more, you're ruddy talented mate. Sorry to not be more helpful.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!