#1
Harbor

Docking ships
in rippled waters,
the anchor shattered
on cobblestone piers;
it seemed adventurous,
the pills politely
asking for a dance
under moonlight stars,
amongst the steal,
the air thick
with sea sick breath.

I harbor
everything.
We harbored
everything.

The harbor closes
as rusted titans
bicker with patrons;
fat and lazy.
Hot tempered water
sauntering up,
the bubbling oil
spoiling for a broil.

Working late
in the basin,
the seaweed stench
already in my lungs.
No room for breathing,
no space for letting go.

I harbor
everything.
We harbored
everything.

I distill in pity,
empty whiskeys at my
typical side.

I harbor
everything.
We harbored
everything.



This was a 'return to form', ie I'm back writing lyrics again instead of poetry. My band had a few songs void of lyrics and I needed a new method of voicing myself, so here's our newest piece, called... Harbor, or Harbour.

Digitally Clean
#2
I'm a sucker for anything nautical. Pulling out some lines...

"asking for a dance
under moonlight stars" -Too poetic, used...

"amongst the steal,
the air thick
with sea sick breath." -Rhythm, and just plain out nice, kind of like a flannel shirt.


"The harbor closes
as rusted titans
bicker with patrons;
fat and lazy.
Hot tempered water
sauntering up,
the bubbling oil
spoiling for a broil" -Just fell off my toungue. Had to re read it to understand because it just slipped away the first time. Enjoyed.
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i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#3
Quote by AngryGoldfish
Harbor

Docking ships
in rippled waters,
the anchor shattered
on cobblestone piers;
^ This line seems to break the flow.
it seemed adventurous,
the pills politely
asking for a dance
under moonlight stars,
Even though a bit cliché, I like this part
amongst the steal,
the air thick
with sea sick breath.
Good internal rhyme. This verse is quite good, but not amazing...

I harbor
everything.
We harbored
everything.
This is what I call repetition choruses. I hate them. But it's just a personal opinion.

The harbor closes
as rusted titans
bicker with patrons;
fat and lazy.
Hot tempered water
sauntering up,
the bubbling oil
spoiling for a broil.
This stanza is really strong, very well written and good rhymes.

Working late
in the basin,
the seaweed stench
already in my lungs.
No room for breathing,
no space for letting go.
^This seemed the bridge that builds up the beat from slow to heavy. I like the last two lines, everything before just doesn't work IMO

I harbor
everything.
We harbored
everything.

I distill in pity,
empty whiskeys at my
typical side.
Nice...

I harbor
everything.
We harbored
everything.


Digitally Clean


Welcome back to your roots ! Now, except the chorus and some lines I mentioned, this is quite good. I don't really have much to add to what I said before. Simply: Good Job
#4
All I can really say about that piece is I wouldn't change a thing, that was really well done.
I'd definitely love to hear the song, you should update with a link when/if possible.
▼▲
Quote by shdowfox17
awesome avatar,denn0069!
Quote by Valo
The most truth I've heard in the pit.
ever.
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#5
Thank you for the crit. I decided to comment on this piece because your Love and Socks were a little too weird for me. Anyways, I really enjoyed reading this piece. It flowed really well and you had some great lines. especially, "No room for breathing/no space for letting go" and the chorus. Also, I loved the sailor imagery.
#6
One of your better ones as far as having a well-developed idea. Content, imagery, etc. great. The tone was foggy; it is narrative-esque, but those line breaks completely interrupt everything. I think it'd make a great song (and I'm sure after reading the fine print it will indeed turn out to be a song) but as far as poetic aesthetics go, it was a little rough.


EDIT: And go figure, it is a song.
Nicely done, then.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
Last edited by Billyjson at Oct 1, 2008,
#7
Quote by AngryGoldfish
Harbor

Docking ships
in rippled waters,
the anchor shattered
on cobblestone piers; just one too many syllables
it seemed adventurous,
the pills politely
asking for a dance
under moonlight stars,
amongst the steal,
the air thick
with sea sick breath. Love internal rhyming

I harbor
everything.
We harbored
everything. Great chorus, love the wordplay

The harbor closes
as rusted titans
bicker with patrons;
fat and lazy.
Hot tempered water
sauntering up,
the bubbling oil
spoiling for a broil. Haha, brilliant. lvoe the tongue twisting alliteration

Working late
in the basin,
the seaweed stench
already in my lungs.
No room for breathing,
no space for letting go. Great build into the chorus, especially the last two lines

I harbor
everything.
We harbored
everything.

I distill in pity,
empty whiskeys at my
typical side. Can't see the purpsoe of this. Its not bad, i just can't see why u need it

I harbor
everything.
We harbored
everything.



Brilliant song. Very well written, great flow and language and the rhyming is very natural and doesn't seem force. I really liked the twist with the wordplay in the chorus. The verses make you think its about the nautical harbor, but the chorus is about a "safe harbor" or protecting someone. Very clever. link in my sig (Nighttime: A City) if your interested.
#8
Thanks for the crit on mine.

I very much enjoyed the tone of this piece. It felt very foggy and melancholic. The best part, in my opinion, was the chorus bit. The past tense gave a very important nudge in the right direction as far as mood goes. I can't see the piece without it.

Also, "empty whiskeys at my typical side", stellar wording. Sorry I can't add much.