#1
This is the first song i've submitted to this site, actually the first decent one i've managed to finish completely. It's set to relatively simple acoustic guitar in a major key, (think hey there delilah kind of thing, but completely different chord progression and tone). I'm worried i'm trying too hard with the imagery and fancy words ("generic gears," "machine") and stuff like that, and some of it doesn't fit into an essentially kind of cheesy acoustic song, but anyway, any help would be hugely appreciated, thanks!

Untitled

Call me a romantic, but I can't block out this fantasy of
Leaving this behind, let's run away together, you and me
Forget these faceless people, we can be more than generic gears
Escape from this machine together, on the road to Anywhere But Here

(more melancholy instrumental interlude)

Sometimes I look at the place we live, and I think as nice as it is
There must be something better, at least something real
Lets be in places no one sees, exist in other worlds than these
We're living in a shadow, of the larger than life things that we could be

(variation of same interlude)

I think the answers might be in the simple things we feel together
Lets spin our own universe, where you and I can hide forever
I can feel a darkness, emptying my soul from under me
This dull gray template for a life, where none of us are ever really free

(much longer variation of interlude, kind of a breakdown i guess, with small improvised elements but nothing particularly fancy)

Don't know about you, but I know I could never live like that
This life is way too short, I can't exist in a world that's so dull and flat
So let's run off together, Escape into eachother
Find a place for us alone and live forever in eachother's arms

Any help at all with this would be really great, thanks so much!
#2
Sorry it took me so long to get back, I have been sick.

As I read through it my first time:
Lets run away together seems like a cliche because a good chunck of every love song is about "We will escape this place, Live happily ever after" etcetera. So this got off to a bad start with me. I like the "the road to Anywhere But Here." I like the "at least something real" line because it could not be any more true . No offense but I got a little sick reading this. jk Its just so full of Love its grossing and cliched but then again what is'nt CLICHES: Love, Love Lost, Love Never Had, anything with love (excpet the love of Bagles)

After REading it through a few more times:
Overall this would make a really sweet acoustic piece you could easily play live or for a special girl .

Lines I loved:
Sometimes I look at the place we live, and I think as nice as it is
There must be something better, at least something real

So of the best lines I read today

Lines I loved not:
So let's run off together, Escape into eachother
Find a place for us alone and live forever in eachother's arms

Yuk too mushy for me.

Thanks man for doing mine. If you have another piece on here crit another one of mine and I will do that one too.
^This post was probably sarcastic

GO LEAFS GO

Chief Executive Officer of Music Games of THE ULTIMATE-GUITAR GAMING FORCE
#3
This is good....heartfelt man
I especially like the second verse
You perhaps couldve expanded on a few things...like james water says it gets a bit cliched and soppy at times however I like the bit about the machine, generic gears etc. its good imagery nd technique so perhaps more of that would, for my tastes anyway, improve it a little
Its really good tho!
Would be appreciated if you would crit the one song that I got up here!
#4
Quote by Stratocaster93
Untitled

Call me a romantic, but I can't block out this fantasy of
Leaving this behind, let's run away together, you and me Very cliché. Sorry.
Forget these faceless people, we can be more than generic gears As you mention, the generic gears are a bit clumsy, but not because of the words. It's really mostly because it sounds clumsy with the lines that lead up to it (we can be more than). If you change either, I believe the flow of the line would benefit strongly
Escape from this machine together, on the road to Anywhere But Here This is a great line - please do keep the 'machine' part.

(more melancholy instrumental interlude)

Sometimes I look at the place we live, and I think as nice as it is
There must be something better, at least something real
Lets be in places no one sees, exist in other worlds than these Cheesy, but I gather that's the point.
We're living in a shadow, of the larger than life things that we could be This line you're trying to be too clever and it hurts the flow of the line. Either cut a couple of words (like 'of the' and 'that' - it won't hurt the meaning and the flow will be much better), or change it into something less clever. I can only urge you to do the first , as I really like the content of this line.

(variation of same interlude)

I think the answers might be in the simple things we feel together
Lets spin our own universe, where you and I can hide forever Again, cheesy. And again, it seems to be your intention. I'm still pointing it out though :P
I can feel a darkness, emptying my soul from under me I like the content, but 'from under me' seems clumsy. You can do better - the rhyme with free shouldn't be too hard for you to find a less forced ending of the line.
This dull gray template for a life, where none of us are ever really free Great line.

(much longer variation of interlude, kind of a breakdown i guess, with small improvised elements but nothing particularly fancy)

Don't know about you, but I know I could never live like that 'live like that' would gramatically refer to the universe you wanted to spin - the life you're not living. If it's the life you've already got, it would be 'live like this', in which case 'I could never' seems out of place - you already are. Either you 'can't/couldn't continue to live like this', 'can't keep on living like this' or something of the like. Don't leave it as is.
This life is way too short, I can't exist in a world that's so dull and flat Forced rhyme. Very forced - but if the above line is changed that shouldn't be a problem.
So let's run off together, Escape into eachother
Find a place for us alone and live forever in eachother's arms The most cheesy part of the entire song. Really. And that's saying something.
I did my best to rip the song apart, seeing as that's the way I'd rather have it done to my songs. All in all, it's very cheesy and sugary sweet, but with some great lines to shake the listener/reader out of his/her sugar rush. I lhonestly enjoy those lines and I find myself wishing the entire song was made up of those rather than the candy-floss you're serving

As for the title of the song, your idea about calling it 'Anywhere But Here' is good. Its not repeated in the song, but it doesn't have to be. The theme reccurs throughout the song.

I'd really appreciate it if you would return the favor and rip my song 'Calculated Innocence' to shreds .
Last edited by AlienFinger79 at Sep 25, 2008,
#6
I like this. Yes, there are some cliches here and there, but since the others have done a good job at pointing them out I won't. If this were going to be a power metal ballad I would cringe at the cheesiness, but it's ok to be cheesy with an acoustic guitar (in my opinion), and lots of people often like that type of mood.

The only line I didn't like was:

"Don't know about you, but I know I could never live like that
This life is way too short, I can't exist in a world that's so dull and flat"

As Alienfinger pointed out, it seems very forced.

The first time I read through the song, I thought you said "genetic gears", which I thought was rather interesting even if it doesn't make quite as much sense (I thought the biological to mechanical transition would have been good). Still, the line as it is is fine, and I don't think you need to be worried about overemphasizing that image. Overall, I think this is great. Good job.