#1
This was written on the spot. I might change the title but that's not important. What IS important is helpful crits, because I'm putting together a portfolio in order to apply for a poetry class and I don't have the required amount right now Any help appreciated.


I met a man in Cassis last fall, as
I was waiting to be inspired. The
wind chill snap-licked at my neckline
as he brushed his arm against mine,
handing me a map.

"Are you lost?"

Yes, I'm at a loss for words. I am
tumbling headlong into the
inky skin of indecision.
I am standing at the dead end
of a dirt road with arms open wide, watching
the dust that hovers high in the middle
of the afternoon sun. I have had too
much to drink this evening.
Should I be gone by morning? Am I
running for no good reason?

Can I trust in my own judgement?

Could I collect the pieces of our broken
past, and weave them together to
dismantle our bad beginnings? Could I
trace our futures forward with my
fingertips? I blush.

"I'm so lost I've come full circle".
Drop another coin in the slot, and I will tell you more...
Last edited by Chak at Sep 27, 2008,
#2
I met a man in Cassis last fall, as
I was waiting to be inspired. The
wind chill snap-licked at my neckline
the expression snap-licked is foreign to me.
it's disruptive, and requires a moment to think about what you're actually saying.
that might sound negative,
but actually, i think it adds interest.
as he brushed his arm against mine,
he brushed his arm rather than his arm brushed
implies specific intention on his part.
is that what you're going for, here?
handing me a map.

"Are you lost?"

Yes, I am so lost for words. I am
pet peeve of mine: using so as an adjective meaning very.
i also prefer understatement.
at a loss rather than so lost feels more comfortable to me.
just my preferences. not saying any of this is "wrong".
standing at the dead end of a dirt
road with arms wide open, watching
the dust that hovers high in the
middle of the afternoon sun. I have
had too much to drink this evening.
Should I be gone by morning? Am I
screaming for no good reason?

Can I trust in my own judgment?

Could I collect the pieces of our broken
past, and weave them together to
dismantle our bad beginnings? Could I
trace our futures forward with my
fingertips? I blush.
this is confusing. who are the "we" in our broken past?
this started as apparent strangers.
the only "other" mentioned thus far is the man you met.
all the collecting, weaving, dismantling, and tracing, works well
but the confusion about "our" bothers me.

"I'm so lost I've come full circle".
at first i'd thought this was a conversation having the stranger in quotes
and your part between.
now i'm guessing the part between was internal to your thoughts.
this is just your reply to the man.

i do like this,
but having to reason out the man as not being who you are referring to
in "our", took me out of the moment.
i don't have any suggestion for how to clean that up,
only that it caused a problem with my read.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#3
Thank you thank you thank you for reading this I rarely post here because I rarely get any help. A lot of this was just me playing with the sounds of words rather than trying to convey a meaning. Snap-licked for example, and the alliterations throughout.

I like "at a loss" better, thank you. I thought that part was iffy as well. I meant for this to be confusing, because it's an internal monologue of a character like... myself It was more of creating an image and playing with sounds that I was focusing on, but the questions and unsure statements throughout further amplify how complicated the person is.

Keep in mind that this is my first draft I may lengthen it or add more detail or scrap the whole thing, who knows?
Drop another coin in the slot, and I will tell you more...
#4
Listen to SYK. He always knows best.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#5
Quote by Chak
I rarely post here because I rarely get any help.
bound to be that way. you're hard to crit.
most of your work is tightly woven and exudes intelligence.
a bit intimidating for us mortals.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#6
I hate to think you don't post here because of receiving little help, so hopefully a few decent crits on this can change your mind. I'm trying not to duplicate anything SYK said, 'cause for the most part I agree.

I met a man in Cassis last fall, as
I was waiting to be inspired. The
wind chill snap-licked at my neckline
as he brushed his arm against mine,
handing me a map.

I too had to stop at 'snap-licked', I understand your intention, with sound over meaning but even then it's a flaw rather than a plus, imo. I almost read it 'chap-licked' like a chap-stick, and kinda liked it, but that's me. I wasn't a fan of 'handed' here, something a little softer of the tongue might work better, given the soft nature of the content, even against is slightly rough but a little less easy to change.

"Are you lost?"

Yes, I'm at a lost for words. I am
standing at the dead end of a dirt
road with arms wide open, watching
the dust that hovers high in the
middle of the afternoon sun. I have
had too much to drink this evening.
Should I be gone by morning? Am I
screaming for no good reason?

I thought the phrase was, 'at a loss for words'? which I think would fit better, the repeat of 'lost' didn't sit well with me, and the implication and wordplay by using the two words would be more impressive. Also the enjambment at the end of L2 really felt awkward. In L4 you have the alliteration of 'hovers high' which I think could be duplicated in L3, by swapping 'wide' and 'open', it'd give those few lines a nice rhythm, almost beat-like. The last line was a bit meh, screaming makes the line feel cliche, but not in a good way.

Can I trust in my own judgment?
Judgement

Could I collect the pieces of our broken
past, and weave them together to
dismantle our bad beginnings? Could I
trace our futures forward with my
fingertips? I blush.

Interesting wordplay in this stanza; the words themselves are not all that strong but the content is. So it's a catch-22. I think the stanza is a little lacking in a killer punch. The blushing seems to come from nowhere and you haven't directly mentioned him again since the first stanza, so I'm wondering if this is a good place to do so. The triple 'f' alliteration was very smooth.

"I'm so lost I've come full circle".

This is interesting, but oh so very alone, if you could fit this to a stanza, one that lends itself to leading up to this final line it would be far more powerful. I like what you've got going in this piece, I like your writing so it's not unexpected, and the piece is definitely worth working on/tweaking, imo anyway. Hope that helped.

Steve
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#7
Quote by The Hurt Within
Can I trust in my own judgment?
Judgement
this might be a North America / Europe thing.
in NA, the standard spelling is judgment.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#8
Yeah, it is. But spell check did that on me anyway. I've made some revisions. Thank you guys so much, this is a big help A sober viewpoint also helps to make better sense of it too
Drop another coin in the slot, and I will tell you more...
#9
Quote by Chak
This was written on the spot. I might change the title but that's not important. What IS important is helpful crits, because I'm putting together a portfolio in order to apply for a poetry class and I don't have the required amount right now Any help appreciated.

LET'S DO THIS!


I met a man in Cassis last fall, as
I was waiting to be inspired. The
wind chill snap-licked at my neckline
as he brushed his arm against mine,
handing me a map.

There's not much to offer here, I especially loved the short and snappy lines that were illustrated. The two rhymes of neckline and mine was used effectively. There's nothing bad at all here, everything felt complete and orderly.

"Are you lost?"

Yes, I'm tumbling headlong into
the inky skin of indecision.
I am standing at the dead end
of a dirt road with arms open wide, watching
the dust that hovers high in the middle
of the afternoon sun. I have had too
much to drink this evening.
Should I be gone by morning? Am I
running for no good reason?

"Inky" didn't feel terrible composed as an adjective but everything else felt complete. I love the disorderly atmosphere effect that you created and I felt, as a reader, as if i was lost in the perplexity.

Can I trust in my own judgement?

Could I collect the pieces of our broken
past, and weave them together to
dismantle our bad beginnings? Could I
trace our futures forward with my
fingertips? I blush.

"I'm so lost I've come full circle".

This was a very sincere conclusion to the piece and I thought it added that lick into it. You used a great range of technical abilities and too be honest there really wasn't much, at all, to offer.


A great read.
#10
I liked the loss/lost. :[

Always a good read, you are. Post more. You are talented and deserve to be read.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#11
^

Yeah I thought the lost/loss wordplay would be really good. lol Chants can't win.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#12
Cleeeearly you don't know me very well because I always win I'm too tired/lazy/hopped up on flu medicine to edit this at all right now but I'll perfect it

Thanks for the compliments too guys, makes me feel like I should write more but I really can't most of the time. Plus a double major doesn't exactly offer a lot of free time But if I get into this poetry class I will have a new piece every week for 14 weeks at least.
Drop another coin in the slot, and I will tell you more...